In the end, it's family we run back to.
Because as we get older, we live fast.
Sometimes we go through life so fast we miss the time spent holding on to each other's hand.
I ve been feeling unease lately. I have splitting headache frequently, and my tummy is upset i cant eat normally without feel nauseous. To make it worse, there r thousands strings pulling my stomach and it sucks. You know that feeling when you think of sth unpleasant and it just knocks you in the stomach.
I spent the evening snuggled up to my mother's laps just to get some warmth. I love skinship... esp when im feeling low...
I asked my mother if friendship is such a periodic thing.
"Do you have a bestfriend or a closefriend?"
She quickly replied with a name. I recognize the woman. I last saw her when i was five. My mother must havent seen her friend in years.
"Do you talk to her often?"
"No."
I told my mother my feels, how ceci got married and i wondered if she catched up with friends often, how sentimental i am, friendship of the young adults, marriage and family, priority shifts...
"You guys are still dreamers", she said, "You still idealize things. Once you settle down, you ll spend all energy for your family."
I guess she's mostly right.
"Mom dont we all go through phases in order to grow up...? Thats what we should do?... When im at your age i ll probably look at my kids and think the same thing you said. But just because sth doesnt last forever doesnt mean it wasnt meaningful while it did last.. It doesnt mean it wasnt inportant, does it...? Sometimes im having such a hard time sorting out my relationships with people.. I didnt have much faith in people or friendship in general. The wonderful yet scary thing about a person's heart is that it can change, no matter what. I guarded myself like a top secret. The older i get the more i realize i need focus on myself... But sometimes i place my happiness on such unpredictable things like friendship and love. And i find myself running back to family when things get tough. Its where i were once a child. Children follows their hearts so easily... Adults are held back by constant pain and dissappointment..
I dont want to be selfish...
My head hurts and my heart is so heavy at times. I think a lot bc im afraid of being unprepared. The advantage of thinking a lot is that eventually you have to force yourself to learn how not to let your thoughts negatively control your action and your life. My thoughts are in a separated world of their owns. I learn not to complicate things... But still... I guess one of the hardest lesson i ll ever learn is to let go and take a step back when time comes.
...
"Mom are you happy?"
She always says yes. The person who laughs less than i do and often looks tired, always replies with a yes. I think her secret is that she trusts herself no matter what others do...
