I came here with scrambled trains of thoughts...
Fall was transitioning into winter the past few days. Despite winter being my fav season, I think I can feel my serotonin dropping.. so today I danced along a cheerful 16 y/o song and wore a cute pairs of socks to boost my day, which worked.
...
I’m afraid I’m just another disappointment.
The days are better.. the nights are a bit harder.. 3-4am is like a bruise I try to avoid..
These days I feel as if Im forgotten. Im at standstill, like I have already been through the past few years.
Im afraid I can’t make it up.
My mom doesn’t talk to me much these day. Im not sure why. I dont know anything. I reached out but I didnt get much. So again I felt forgotten. I try not to write about moms in general ... at time I feel like there are things the more I try to fix the more shattered they become..
I didnt think I would cry. Somehow tears spilled out before I realized it. I think Im just hormonal, plus the anxiety and stress. So I let them out for a short while. And tears kinda worked their magic.
I remember the time when I cried on a daily basis. Those days were blurry, hazy afternoons, empty inbox, and the smell of swiffer lavender cleaning solution. I guess my body has now taken tears as a recovering mechanism, whatever works to get you going.
I think as much support as you deserve to have, sometimes you just gotta power through it on your own without holding a grudge.
It’s been 25-35’ since I started writing this. I feel a lil better. When I came back from the bathroom earlier w stuffed nose and ugly sobbing face, Garu meowed in his typical high pitch and arched his back while sluggishly coming closer to rub his chubby body against my shin. He looked up with sleepy half opened eyes and his nose slightly crunched. This kid is my light bulb on gloomy days.
I rubbed his back a bit, appreciating the much needed reminder that I have these 3 fluffy crazy constantly hungry magic workers with me. Life w them has been a bliss. Why do pp do drug when they can adopt cats!
Anyway he got me up to 82%, then 89% as Im writing my feelings out. I have this habit of “just write dont think” since 7-8 yr old. I was a sentimental kid.. still am..
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I need to find a krimson queen.
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I ve been listening to old songs these days. They’re soothing in a way.
Tomorrow will be another chance.
