thanksgiving

it's another thanksgiving grandma. thank you for 20 years of my life, for bringing out the best in me. i was at church the other day and unconsciously thought of you. honestly grandma, i've never felt like that guilty heavy burden in my chest was taken away whenever i think of the past, but you taught me to forgive my past and forgive myself. sometimes i wonder if you were ever happy all those years, if i ever made you happy. some lessons just cost too much to learn... i wanted to grow up to be like you grandma.. everyone girl wants to meet someone who can make them the happiest girl in the world. i want to be able to make someone else the happiest person in the world, my parents, my friends, my partner, my children, my grandchildren... just like how you did.

grandma, im currently in this long and confusing process to figure out who i am and what i want to do with my life. i wander around aimlessly. i fail more than i win. im easier to feel lost than happy. my cup is neither half-full nor half-empty. im like a cracked cup. no matter how full i fill the water in, it's leaking out. and sometimes im afraid to be thrown away or to be left behind, cause no one would want a cracked cup. but grandma even during the worst times, i have faith in myself. i just kind of believe that everything i do im doing it for a better me. i have faith in that cheerful carefree courageous little girl i once was, and it's all because of you C: you raised me up to more than i can be C: 

im not sure how im gonna do this right grandma, but when i meet again, i want to hear you say that i make you proud, i want to tell you  how fulfilled i've lived my life. so until we meet again, please walk with me along my path and guide our family through hard times. mom and dad need you. you know how crazy my parents are. they bring out the worst in me as well as in themselves. everyone's physically and emotionally drained. i guess the only good thing was that thank to them i toughened up and learnt to live independently. sometimes it scares me seeing them getting old. they're parents but they're children too, and i think they need you to be there for them to lean on sometimes, and to teach them to be courageous like you were. i want to be there to pick them up when they fall. one day i want to tell  my parents to sit down and rest cause im able to take care of this family now. we need you with us grandma.

im turning 20 next monday. Jesus im old. grandma i think that there's a part of me that refuses grow up, and i love it cause it's where i find you in me C: i miss you. i'll see you very soon. happy thanksgiving.

C: