Just our nights...

"Should I be patient, or should I make chances?"...

"After a painful love, I thought I understood the world... Why did I pretend like I knew everything?..." - Wang
"Your hands are always cold like this." -


I felt like writing a lot tonight, now no right word comes out.
My parents had a huge fight again earlier. They smashed my brother's room door and it hit my piano badly. I haven't checked on the piano, but i supposed the door would fell out very soon. I think it's my first time seeing their fight this bad, physically. They usually just hit or throw small stuffs. My heart stopped for a second. I was startled and, like always, i burst out in tears. Then I covered my mouth and rushed back to my room so they wouldnt hear me. I didnt know what to do... I missed them after a long finals week staying at my friend's place at school, and 3 days camping. Now i'm back just to watch their same old drama.
I felt so sorry for my mom. She satisfied so much and tried really hard to make my sick dad comfortable. But he took her for granted. I also felt so bad for my dad. He's married someone who got too frustrated over years that she's prepared to fight everytime. Is my house a battle ground and my parents are warriors... Then i felt bad for my brother, who's always quiet and does his own things alone. I bet he has a different world somewhere else with his friends, the world he never wants his family to come close. I guess that's what happens after many confusing teenage years watching his parents fighting again and again.
Then i felt bad for myself. I felt like i haven't done well enough to make this family a better place to stay.
I guess that's one of the reason why i always feel so sad deep down and blame my myself all the time. I spent years expecting too much of myself yet done so little.
During finals week i felt like depression hit me again. It's that same feeling, the feeling of having no feeling at all. lifeless, clueless, terribly lost, aimlessly drifting here and there. I was on the phone with Tammy, and for a second i recalled that feeling during that time. Within a second, it was so hard to breath, like air was sucked out off my lungs and blood was drawn out from my body. I snapped back to reality and gasped for air in the dark room. Do i sound really dramatic... People who's gone through depression know it's much worse than any word can tell...

I want to spend a long time on my own to find my balance again... it worked last time it should work this time...
but i dont know anymore
why am i so afraid all the time...
im so afraid all the time...

Just got back from camping this afternoon. It was funnnnnn i like it a lotttt :D. I met new friends, learnt more bout camping, walked and drew on the sand, breathed the ocean air, saw the skyline and sunset. The nicest thing was that i could take all the heavy thoughts and feelings off my mind for awhile and lived as if i could really be happy even though headaches were around..
Gotta sleep now.. Add more tmr

Sometimes I wonder how things would turn out if i could just go easy on everything and do what everyone else is doing. Still i cant seem to figure out one solid reason to initiate things i have none interest in.


I dont think i miss you at all... but the memories of you...
if that makes any sense...

This, too, shall pass?...

"What are you supposed to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you supposed to give it to someone else?"
— Maggie O’Farrell, After You’d Gone



There is this thing I hold dear to my heart, yet it's so.. so far from the reach of my hand...
Is this deja vu all over again?
But this time, a little clearer, a little wiser,
Is it true
that ignorance is bliss
that happiness in intelligent people are the rarest thing

Children are afraid of imaginary objects that adults dont, yet so courageous of the real things we're afraid to touch, the things we always find excuses not to try out.
My professor once explained why time seems to pass by much faster as we grow old. When we were kids, growing up was like an adventure. There are so much knowledge and concepts to explore, and the process of learning new things day by day makes time appear longer, and fascinating. As we grow, the more we know about the world, the less surprising and fun life becomes. In order to stay young at mind, always learn something new everyday. And if growing up is an adventure, growing old is, now, like a habit of repeated routines.

And I wonder if that's what I've spent all these years trying to achieve, to grow old with the heart of a child.

"Some people die at twenty-five and aren't buried till they're seventy-five"

- Benjamin Franklin

"Some people are old at eighteen and some are young at ninety. Time is a concept human created."

- Yoko Ono

"I dreamed a thousand new path. I woke and walked my old one."

- Chinese proverb

"Sometimes it seems to me that that’s all my life has been, a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have."

— Amanda Hocking, Ascend