"Should I be patient, or should I make chances?"...

"After a painful love, I thought I understood the world... Why did I pretend like I knew everything?..." - Wang
"Your hands are always cold like this." -


I felt like writing a lot tonight, now no right word comes out.
My parents had a huge fight again earlier. They smashed my brother's room door and it hit my piano badly. I haven't checked on the piano, but i supposed the door would fell out very soon. I think it's my first time seeing their fight this bad, physically. They usually just hit or throw small stuffs. My heart stopped for a second. I was startled and, like always, i burst out in tears. Then I covered my mouth and rushed back to my room so they wouldnt hear me. I didnt know what to do... I missed them after a long finals week staying at my friend's place at school, and 3 days camping. Now i'm back just to watch their same old drama.
I felt so sorry for my mom. She satisfied so much and tried really hard to make my sick dad comfortable. But he took her for granted. I also felt so bad for my dad. He's married someone who got too frustrated over years that she's prepared to fight everytime. Is my house a battle ground and my parents are warriors... Then i felt bad for my brother, who's always quiet and does his own things alone. I bet he has a different world somewhere else with his friends, the world he never wants his family to come close. I guess that's what happens after many confusing teenage years watching his parents fighting again and again.
Then i felt bad for myself. I felt like i haven't done well enough to make this family a better place to stay.
I guess that's one of the reason why i always feel so sad deep down and blame my myself all the time. I spent years expecting too much of myself yet done so little.
During finals week i felt like depression hit me again. It's that same feeling, the feeling of having no feeling at all. lifeless, clueless, terribly lost, aimlessly drifting here and there. I was on the phone with Tammy, and for a second i recalled that feeling during that time. Within a second, it was so hard to breath, like air was sucked out off my lungs and blood was drawn out from my body. I snapped back to reality and gasped for air in the dark room. Do i sound really dramatic... People who's gone through depression know it's much worse than any word can tell...

I want to spend a long time on my own to find my balance again... it worked last time it should work this time...
but i dont know anymore
why am i so afraid all the time...
im so afraid all the time...