Everyday i feel like im living two lives at once. One second im just an original kid, easily amused, easily happy. I find joy at the simplest thing. click. Im now this sad person i dont even understand, and im not sure if i want to. I dont think sad is the right word.
I told myself I wasnt suicidal, or at least I didnt think I was. I admit I've had thoughts about it. Now and then while I was driving on the freeway bridge, I thought to myself "what would i be if i braked" "would everything stop?" It would be nice if everything could stop. I dont know if people sometimes think the way i do... Doesnt everyone want to end their lives at some points in their lives? ... Or maybe it's just me. Still, they were simply just thoughts. I just didnt have any will to live, even when I knew i had all reasons to. I think that's my problem. I was just so numb to everything. That feeling comes back once in awhile. But recently it comes back too often. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way to stretch out all my thoughts and feeling, would i be submitted into mental hospital?
I really think being happy is a choice. It's all in the mind isnt it.... But I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy with my surroundings. More than anything I'm not happy with myself. But at the same time I am happy. I'm happy listening to my old westlife tracks. I'm happy to see my cat. I'm happy snuggling in my blanket with my mom. I'm happy when i see a sunflower...

I'm a full box of paradox.

When i was little i wanted to grow up to be happy. Now that i'm 21, i'm neither grown or happy.