Garu who saves his hooman’s day.

I came here with scrambled trains of thoughts...

Fall was transitioning into winter the past few days. Despite winter being my fav season, I think I can feel my serotonin dropping.. so today I danced along a cheerful 16 y/o song and wore a cute pairs of socks to boost my day, which worked.

...

I’m afraid I’m just another disappointment.
The days are better.. the nights are a bit harder.. 3-4am is like a bruise I try to avoid..

These days I feel as if Im forgotten. Im at standstill, like I have already been through the past few years.
Im afraid I can’t make it up.


My mom doesn’t talk to me much these day. Im not sure why. I dont know anything. I reached out but I didnt get much. So again I felt forgotten. I try not to write about moms in general ... at time I feel like there are things the more I try to fix the more shattered they become..

I didnt think I would cry. Somehow tears spilled out before I realized it. I think Im just hormonal, plus the anxiety and stress. So I let them out for a short while. And tears kinda worked their magic.
I remember the time when I cried on a daily basis. Those days were blurry, hazy afternoons, empty inbox, and the smell of swiffer lavender cleaning solution. I guess my body has now taken tears as a recovering mechanism, whatever works to get you going.

I think as much support as you deserve to have, sometimes you just gotta power through it on your own without holding a grudge.

It’s been 25-35’ since I started writing this. I feel a lil better. When I came back from the bathroom earlier w stuffed nose and ugly sobbing face, Garu meowed in his typical high pitch and arched his back while sluggishly coming closer to rub his chubby body against my shin. He looked up with sleepy half opened eyes and his nose slightly crunched. This kid is my light bulb on gloomy days.
I rubbed his back a bit, appreciating the much needed reminder that I have these 3 fluffy crazy constantly hungry magic workers with me. Life w them has been a bliss. Why do pp do drug when they can adopt cats!
Anyway he got me up to 82%, then 89% as Im writing my feelings out. I have this habit of “just write dont think” since 7-8 yr old. I was a sentimental kid.. still am..

——-

I need to find a krimson queen.

——-

I ve been listening to old songs these days. They’re soothing in a way.


Tomorrow will be another chance.

Day 515

I bought a silver dollar vine today. My long time wishlist favorite 💚 
I have a thing for round leaf plants.
It’s too cute ☺️

I’ve been nostalgic these days but idk for whom or what. I just feel that way.. missing some people or sth. 

My brother left to Seattle for his new job. Im a bit 😢 

I like to stay close to family 😢  though I'm really thankful that he s only 3hr drive away. A friend of mine recently said farewell to her sister to Texas. Now I’m going through it I guess it must have been even harder for her. 

I guess I miss my old work place too and the leads and Marcus and Dori and .. just things. Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their summer time. And of course not me I need the cold back 😅 the heat and sunlight is driving me nuts. I must have been a vampire in my past life. 

I guess it’s also my hormones 🤢 

My friend just started labor. Tomorrow I can meet the little baby. 

Sometimes it would be nice to have a close friend to talk to about these feelings, just someone who understands these kind of moments.

I miss the boys too. Theyre on a 2 month rest but I bet they’re working on Shadow. These kids never sleep😤

These days I really enjoy listening to Heartbeat but sth about it gives me this feel as if it’s the last song they’d perform as 7 on their last stage, which is so sad to think of tbh. Idk if it’s the harmony or the lyric or what.. a strong rush of nostalgia, like our whole journey flashes back 🥺 i love the song but the thought is almost unbearable.

Does anyone out there feel like this with their music? Do pp sometimes feel strongly about certain melodies they listen to it’s just my sentimental self😐 

Anyway my vine makes my day a little lighter.

Why am I rambling on and on today?

Day 549

:( I miss JS

I’m half awake. I want to write more these days..

I’m at mom’s house today, so I miss the kids too.

We brought pizza to the ED today..

These days I just want to spend time w the kids and my plants 🌱 

Wouldn’t it be nice to just be w the kids n the plants for a long long time without any body around?

...

Im thankful for good music. 

Forever Rain and Seoul during a rainy drive back home from a 10hr shift; 4 o’clock on early mornings when I feel blue, when it’s dark outside and the trees are still asleep; Song Request during 5am ride to work, when the sky is grey with a tinge of pastel.

I always feel very blessed that I can see colors and that I can hear. I get to see splendid sunset sky, the wild flowers and the evergreens, autumn tree farms when all the leaves put on such warm yellow coat,

and good music, melodies that tug at my heartstrings, lyrics that speak quietly to me when I can’t seem to find a word.

They get me by.

I also get to see my kids, their sleepy contented look when I cup their faces in my hands , their paws kneading on my blanket. I rest my head on their chest listening to the soothing rhythmic purrs.

Being able to see and to hear is really a blessing. 

-

It’s Monday July 1st :<

This week has been a roller coaster ride :< I went to a nursery hoping to cheer myself up and bought a neon pothos.. maybe it can make friend w my neon philodendron.. I wanted to get the hoya pubicalyx too but I guess I’ll wait. I wanna go to Solabee soon..
I went home and make banana milk.. and wiped my pothos leafs

😶

🙁

I scribed for Marcus’s last June shift yesterday🙁
Im having one more shift on Saturday that ll be my last.
I interviewed with OHSU today and will be starting w them soon.
I’m looking forwards to the new experience and new people I’ll meet.
I should be excited..
Why am I feeling blue all day🙁

I think I’m slowly losing sth really precious. 

It’s all my fault.

I brought this to myself.  

I can only blame myself. I’m exhausted of myself and my loved ones are tired of me.

Working June scribe schedule, the last month of my almost 4 year being here, makes me a bit sentimental... 

Everything comes to an end. I should make more effort to move on too. 

I should really try taking a step forward before it’s too far gone that I bring myself to that dark dark place again...

I, too, hope my life will make sense some days. 😶

I couldn’t watched Christina left. 🥺

I watched the episodes when Derek died and that chasing cars song kept ringing in my head 🥺
I watched it for the n time and I think I bawled for the n time 🥺

Now there s a lump in my throat I can’t sleep🤦🏻‍♀️

The cramp goes from my lower back to my pelvis, radiating down my left thigh and right hip. I could feel every inch of my muscles cramping up and twitching. One of those days when I often wonder what I have committed in my past life haha...

🥺

The older I become the more I realize I don’t necessarily have to be friendly or caring or attentive to everyone. Some people are not worth the time or energy. It’s not my job to judge their characters but if I could sense that they bring negativity or toxicity or unpleasantness, sometimes all I should do is just ignore them.