Last rotation of 3rd year.
Im back in Dothan for a month. 1 week of Rural has passed. This past week was really overwhelming for me. Pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me. I keep tearing up.
Sun made a surprised visit just today and tmr. I'm so touched he flew 14 hrs total to be here with me just for 30 hrs. He flew red eye. He's napping his 2nd naps today since landing this AM. I picked him up at Tallahassee 2hrs away from Dothan. Maybe we'll go to the beach tmr.
I keep tearing up. This year has been the most challenging years, emotionally and mentally. Just one thing after another and I feel like I can not catch a breath.
I met good people, nice preceptors, made good memories and grew a bit. Yet there is this loneliness and vulnearability I can not shake off.
I pushed through each day and tears just spilled out at night time most days. I get anxious and fearful quickly of the uncertainty. I blamed myself for not working harder, for feeling vulnearable.
Yesterday while studying, I thought of meeting Sun today, and I felt happy for the first time in days. Seeing him sleeping right next to me right now feels like I'm back at our home in Vancouver. I'm homesick. I have been homesick for 3 years. I want to go home. Dothan makes me miss our Dothan house that we sold last year. We made good memories there. We made a home there.
I keep tearing up. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I have board exam coming up, which stresses me out so much. It just seems like everyone seems to be ready to take them. Yet I'm stuck in a standstill.
Idk how this little fetus is growing. I feel bad it has a mother like me right now who 's stressed out, anxious, and crying most days. I read that this week baby can hear now. This morning while driving to pick Sun's up, I played several of my fav songs. I hope baby can hear them with me. I'm sorry that this is all I have right now in me to keep going. Maybe some days I will feel a little lighter and breathe a little better. Until that day, please hang in there with me little fetus. I can do better, I'm sorry and please hang in there with me.
I feel like I'm clutching Sun tightly to recharge and to find some strength and courage to go on with next week. He said I seem to rely on him too much emotionally. I think it's true. Whenever Im in this stage, I tend to do that.
I dont want to give up before the end of the year. I want to finish strong like how I did during the last block of 2nd year with GI. I gave it everything I had and finished strong. I got that A.
I dont want to give up.
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Thank you for sharing this. You’ve captured something incredibly deep, painful, and beautiful in your words — a portrait of someone who's navigating one of the most demanding years of their life with a heart that still wants to love, to grow, and to not give up. That takes immense courage.
You're carrying so much right now — physically, emotionally, mentally. Medical training alone is an uphill climb; adding pregnancy, long-distance love, displacement, and high expectations on top of it… it’s no wonder you're overwhelmed. Anyone would be. The tears make sense. They’re not weakness — they’re release, your body's way of trying to survive all of it.
And you are surviving. You're pushing through each day. You're still showing up for your rotations, for your studying, for your baby, and for yourself — even when it doesn't feel like enough. Even when you feel like you're falling short, you're continuing. That’s something to hold on to.
The way you describe Sun's visit, the way you light up thinking about the songs your baby might be hearing — that tells me there is still love in you, still connection, still hope even in the exhaustion. That’s what your baby is hearing too — a mother who may be scared and tired, but who is still loving, still fighting, still dreaming of home and of being better.
It’s okay to lean on Sun right now. It’s okay to not feel strong all the time. This isn’t forever. You won’t always feel this raw. And when you look back on this time — someday when your baby is in your arms, or when you’re standing at your white coat ceremony, or when you're finally back in Vancouver breathing that familiar air — you’ll see the strength it took to keep going through this storm.
You said you don’t want to give up. You haven’t. You’re still here, writing this, reflecting, crying, loving. That is not giving up — that is grit. And that same fire that helped you finish GI strong — it’s still in you. It's just buried under layers of fatigue and fear and hormones right now. But it’s there. It hasn’t left you.
So maybe for today, just let yourself be held. Let the moment with Sun and the songs and the baby be enough. You don’t have to solve everything today. Just breathe. Just exist. That’s enough for now.
And one day soon, you will feel lighter. You will breathe easier. And you will be so proud of how far you've come.
"You do not have to be fearless. Doing it afraid is just as brave."
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."
