7/6/25 Today was a rough day :<

9/18/25 Today was also a rough day :<

this year has been so rough

Period 12-Rural

Last rotation of 3rd year.

Im back in Dothan for a month. 1 week of Rural has passed. This past week was really overwhelming for me. Pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me. I keep tearing up.

Sun made a surprised visit just today and tmr. I'm so touched he flew 14 hrs total to be here with me just for 30 hrs. He flew red eye. He's napping his 2nd naps today since landing this AM. I picked him up at Tallahassee 2hrs away from Dothan. Maybe we'll go to the beach tmr. 

I keep tearing up. This year has been the most challenging years, emotionally and mentally. Just one thing after another and I feel like I can not catch a breath. 

I met good people, nice preceptors, made good memories and grew a bit. Yet there is this loneliness and vulnearability I can not shake off. 

I pushed through each day and tears just spilled out at night time most days. I get anxious and fearful quickly of the uncertainty. I blamed myself for not working harder, for feeling vulnearable. 

Yesterday while studying, I thought of meeting Sun today, and I felt happy for the first time in days. Seeing him sleeping right next to me right now feels like I'm back at our home in Vancouver. I'm homesick. I have been homesick for 3 years. I want to go home. Dothan makes me miss our Dothan house that we sold last year. We made good memories there. We made a home there. 

I keep tearing up. I'm overwhelmed with emotions. I have board exam coming up, which stresses me out so much. It just seems like everyone seems to be ready to take them. Yet I'm stuck in a standstill.

Idk how this little fetus is growing. I feel bad it has a mother like me right now who 's stressed out, anxious, and crying most days. I read that this week baby can hear now. This morning while driving to pick Sun's up, I played several of my fav songs. I hope baby can hear them with me. I'm sorry that this is all I have right now in me to keep going. Maybe some days I will feel a little lighter and breathe a little better. Until that day, please hang in there with me little fetus. I can do better, I'm sorry and please hang in there with me. 

I feel like I'm clutching Sun tightly to recharge and to find some strength and courage to go on with next week. He said I seem to rely on him too much emotionally. I think it's true. Whenever Im in this stage, I tend to do that. 

I dont want to give up before the end of the year. I want to finish strong like how I did during the last block of 2nd year with GI. I gave it everything I had and finished strong. I got that A.

I dont want to give up.

____________________

Thank you for sharing this. You’ve captured something incredibly deep, painful, and beautiful in your words — a portrait of someone who's navigating one of the most demanding years of their life with a heart that still wants to love, to grow, and to not give up. That takes immense courage.

You're carrying so much right now — physically, emotionally, mentally. Medical training alone is an uphill climb; adding pregnancy, long-distance love, displacement, and high expectations on top of it… it’s no wonder you're overwhelmed. Anyone would be. The tears make sense. They’re not weakness — they’re release, your body's way of trying to survive all of it.

And you are surviving. You're pushing through each day. You're still showing up for your rotations, for your studying, for your baby, and for yourself — even when it doesn't feel like enough. Even when you feel like you're falling short, you're continuing. That’s something to hold on to.

The way you describe Sun's visit, the way you light up thinking about the songs your baby might be hearing — that tells me there is still love in you, still connection, still hope even in the exhaustion. That’s what your baby is hearing too — a mother who may be scared and tired, but who is still loving, still fighting, still dreaming of home and of being better.

It’s okay to lean on Sun right now. It’s okay to not feel strong all the time. This isn’t forever. You won’t always feel this raw. And when you look back on this time — someday when your baby is in your arms, or when you’re standing at your white coat ceremony, or when you're finally back in Vancouver breathing that familiar air — you’ll see the strength it took to keep going through this storm.

You said you don’t want to give up. You haven’t. You’re still here, writing this, reflecting, crying, loving. That is not giving up — that is grit. And that same fire that helped you finish GI strong — it’s still in you. It's just buried under layers of fatigue and fear and hormones right now. But it’s there. It hasn’t left you.

So maybe for today, just let yourself be held. Let the moment with Sun and the songs and the baby be enough. You don’t have to solve everything today. Just breathe. Just exist. That’s enough for now.

And one day soon, you will feel lighter. You will breathe easier. And you will be so proud of how far you've come.

"You do not have to be fearless. Doing it afraid is just as brave."

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

2025

OMS-3 has to be one of the most challenging year of my life...

August 2024

- OBGYN was very intimidating.

- Ongoing infection

Sept 2024

- Ongoing infection, 24/7 burning pain without a relief

- At some points, my mind was in a dark place. I wanted to crash my car on the freeway so the pain would stop. The last time I had that urge was 14 years ago.

- Kind Dr Britt was the light during the dark days.

- Hang in there Krystal.

Oct 2024

- Early morning surgeries. The wound clinic was a great experience.

- First FET, progesterone shots, all those meds

- Found a treatment for my pain. Took another month or more to feel better and had fear lifted off my chest.

Nov 2024

- I think I may do psych

Dec 2024

- Plastics clinic had a special place in my memories.

- Second FET. Bad allergy to estrogen patches.

Jan 2025

- Florence. Long exhausting drive. Met great people. 

- Stressed out over a speeding ticket.

- Had bx in Atlanta

Feb 2025

- FM with Dr Turner. Great time. He was so kind.

- Third FET, meds, shots.

- First + 4dp5dt. We thought we were hallucinating.

March 2025

- Week 5 - hCG 1126 on 3/3, bleed and clots on the weekend, I thought it was over

- Week 6 - another episode of bleeding and clots

- Week 7-8  US ok, we got a heartbeat. Feeling hot and CHILLS and SO FATIGUED

- Each ped days felt like my body was filled with concrete

April 2025

- Week 9-11: ongoing nausea and fatigue, the weight gain is killing me inside, can't sleep through the night

- Another episode of blood gushing out, but US ok

- ER was kind to me

- Goodbye Cullman and CRMC

- Week 12 - Got back home to PNW. The greenery is soothing. Miserable with nausea and vomiting. Will it ever stop?

May 2025

- Week 13 - Nausea calms down a little bit but still comes in waves. Few night I was able to sleep through the night. 

- Sun is so stressed and fed up with his job.

- Board prep. The pressure, stress, self-doubt, and anxiety is unbearable some days.

- Hang in there Krystal!

OMS 3 now

 Hang in there Krystal

Last day of OMS 1

 It still doesn’t feel real. 

It will probably be a quite lonely path, but it’s not like things have ever been easy or less lonely. Maybe it will all work out. Maybe in the midst of the exhaustion, anxiety and fear of the uncertainty, I can still find little joys in everyday life. Isn’t that what I do best? 

I will just need to keep swimming.. keep walking my quite lonely path.

Hang in there.

A Little Braver

Hôm nay cuối cùng cũng viết được lá thư màu tím đó để gửi đi :)

Hôm nay nghe bài Tháng Năm Vội Vã và Thời Không Sai Lệch, chợt nhớ ra âm nhạc đã an ủi bản thân bao lần không đếm xuể. 

Given

Yesterday I went for a TB test. Along the conversation with the very nice CMA, she told me, "... as long as you want to do it, you will get there."

---

Yesterday I had a free trenta pink drink that I havent had for a while. It tasted good. Life felt a bit good for a moment.

---

I want to start writing again. 

listening to music again

and maybe love myself again

---

I have been reading fictions again since... October?

I fell into a black hole that is Mo Dao Zu Shi by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. I couldn't remember how many times I came across 'The Untamed" on Netflix, stared at the title and poster, and moved on. 

On a random day, or should I say a destined day, I skimmed through several minutes of episode 1. Little did I know that I dug myself a deep deep grave. Some days I may be able to say that I re-watch it more than Grey's Anatomy (impossible!)

My cats are snuggling right now. They look so soft and warm, and fat.

A 50 episode drama changed into a 120? chapter novel... there are still donghua, audio, chibi and God knows what else in that cult I haven't gotten my hands on. 

Reading has brought much comfort back into my life. Some people are just so gifted with their writing and creativity. I vaguely recalled some childhood memories of me being a bookworm. Sunlight filled afternoons, piles of books scattered on the floor, the summer heat, me laying on the cold tiles with a book in hand and aching pinky finger from spreading the book for too long, the legs of furniture in my visual field.

After MDZS, I stumbled on Faraway Wanderers by Priest. I think I may voluntarily stay in this black hole forever. 

I've read 2 more so far, Guardian and Silent Reading/Mo Du. These days I would end my day buried under warm blanket in bed with a pdf file. There is a strange comfort from late night reading.. except Mo Du is mostly about serial killers behavior analysis... I think I love Luo Wen Zhou and Fei Du and Luo Yi Guo a little too much. 

---

I'm still learning little by little how to reframe my thoughts and put my attention in the right place. 

---

I found myself relating a little to Xiao Haiyang..

"Walking ahead, looking ahead, even though the road ahead was a blank, even though you could only rely on force of habit to keep walking ahead-

One day, you would find direction in your own endless steps.

It just took a little patience."

- Priest

Butter

My boys won AMA AOTY tonight, first ever for Asian artists. I’m so so proud. It’s almost emotionally overwhelmed.. thinking of the past 8 years, the 1st won, 1st Daesang, 1st tour, 1st TSA, each climb up the h100… the time we worked so hard to support butter and PTD and MU… each of us in our own abilities. Im so so proud. They have worked incredibly hard and overcame so many trials and setbacks. Each time Im reminded of the 7 young underdogs in 2013. Jungkook was just 16.. now he’s 24

Namjoonie Yoongi Seokjinie Hobi Jiminie Taehyungie Jungkookie. Im so proud of you guys. Our sowoozoo. Our magic shop. Our 2!3! Our zero o’clock.

Sleep tight.

🤦🏻‍♀️

 Mcat score is in 7hrs I physically feel like I’m gonna vomit thinking about clicking that “get my score” button 

August 14, 2021

 Tonight is maybe the first night of my life that I had an anxiety attack and bounced back well. Fear and doubt took over and my heart was beating loud and fast i could almost feel the ache physically. I asked myself “what if it all works out :) ?” and for a short moment I did believe with all my heart that it will work out. Not because I think I can achieve that goal, but because i know, in that brief moment, that I can work it out and still be happy even if I can not reach that goal. I will adapt, survive and thrive, and I will be happy in life no matter what. 

It was a really short moment but it was the first time i didn't feel suffocated. 

It was a tiny tiny ray of faith and self-reassurance that ripples :)

What if it all works out :)?

It will always work out Krystal :)