last thoughts of 2011

2011 is almost over in a blink of an eye...

even though many unpleasant incidents happened during the break, which drove me insane, it's still great overall. im really enjoying the break C: it didnt rain much this winter. i was surprised we even got many sunny days. i love sunny days <3 but these 2 days it's been raining dogs and cats.

here r few thoughts to wrap up this year, few words for some pp that i didnt have a chance to tell them

- remember when i begged you to help me out? i was frustrated with you since i didnt hear any answers. but eventually in time, i realized you had done so much for me. i really appreciate it.

- thank you for always being there when i was down. i sometimes took you for granted. maybe we all did that. but im glad we're still there for each other in the end. everytime when i was about to give up, i remembered the effort you made for me and it kept me going. i might not have made it this far without you.

- you taught me what matters and what doesnt, who cares and who's just curious. you taught me not to have expectation on friendship. having 4 quarters is better than 100 pennies.

- go ahead and treat me like an option, no matter how much i care, i'll learn to treat you like one. it's not pride, it's self-respect.

- bottom line is, i dont need anyone in my life who doesnt want to be there. i dont have time for people who walked out on me, you're not welcomed back.

- i hope you find the happiness you deserve. thank you for looking out for me.

- we have lots of things in common; the way we smiled was the same, the look in our eyes when we smiled was the same, our desire was the same, our depression was pretty much the same... when i looked at you, i saw myself. maybe that was why i kept looking at you. maybe that was why i did things i should not have done.

- you deleted my camera records and acted like nothing. the fuck...? are you stupid or what? it's so obvious. did you think i cant figure out that it was you? if you want him that bad just ask. if he really goes for you im pretty sure he's welcomed to. what's with those people who can't get off someone else's boyfriend?

- sometimes i really wish i could slap you with a burning pan.

- i hate it when people touch my head. no patting on my head. no playing with my hair. no checking my forehead temperature. no stroking my face. no holding the back of my head or my neck. no no no NO NO!!!! even my dad cant touch my head. do that again i'll bite your hand off U____U

- to be honest, it still hurts me thinking back of what happened.

- i was really tired of our love-hate relationship. no one can ever love me as much as you do. no one ever hurt me as much as you did. you take care of me physically. you abuse me emotionally. i care for you with all my heart. i annoy the hell out of you everytime. if the world were going to end tmr, i would run to you knowing that i would be safe. at the same time i build up all the walls around me and lock you out. im scared of the invisible distance between us. sometimes i pretend it isnt real. i never see it, but i can aways feel that it's there. i dont think we can ever go back to when everything was fine between us. time changed us, pain changed us. it's too much for me to handle. im sorry i failed you. im sorry we failed each other. i can't do it, at least not right now. if one day i can finally make you happy, i hope you'll forgive me, i hope i'll be able to forgive myself.

- didnt you say these months was really hard for you? it was like hell for me too. it's sad how the reason you ended it was the reason i started. you have no idea...

- things i'll always remember, you already forgot. im the lonely keeper of those memories.

- youre my motivation. you changed my life to a better direction. i'll remember all the lessons i 've learned from you. im really blessed that i met you.










it has been hell of a year, i failed at everything. i lost almost everything, but it could not have been better, in the end everything was worth it. i never got what i want, but somehow eventually i received sth else better. maybe that's how it's supposed to be... my mom always say God has his own plan for everyone. i believe God helps us write our destiny, but we have to be the writers. i also believe if something are meant to be, it will be, at the right time, with the right person and for the best reason.










bye-bye C:

"And you tell me I'm just like my father, my one button, you push it.


You love me, and I love you, and your heart hurts, mine does too.
And it's just words and they cut deep but it's our world, it's just us two.
I see painkillers on the kitchen counter, I hate to see, it all hurt so bad.
But maybe I wouldn't have worked this hard if you were healthy and it weren't so bad." -

"May your neighbours respect you
Trouble neglect you
Angels protect you
And heaven accept you." -

and i held your hand through all of these years...

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, i wish that you would just leave. your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds wont seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.

when you cried, i'd wipe away all of your tears.

when you'd screamed, i'd fight away all of your fears.

and i held your hand through all of these years...

I'm blessed with such amazing people in my life. I cant even put into words how much thankful I am for them.
just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

december 4, 2007

It was an unusual morning, thats how i remember. I was asleep and felt like someone was calling for me. I wasnt dreaming, there was no sound, just a slight feeling. I opened my eye, wide awake, no tiredness, no sleepiness, no headache, it was 5am. Dim lights reflected from my window. I lied still for awhile staring at the ceiling, then i heard footsteps. My grandmother knocked at my door telling me about my mom's call, the phone call that changed our life forever: "your mother called from vietnam, you grandma just passed away".
I went to school like any other tuesday. I dont remember crying or feeling the grieve. I thought it might be because i wasnt there, or i was just glad she was no longer in pain, that she would be happier in a better place. Not until days or months later that i realized this was the kind of pain that will stick with me till the very end. The only thing i ever regret in my whole life was that i could have been there when she died, but i wasnt.
I remember listening to "when the love falls" all day long while i wrote diary about her. Later on i wasnt able to listen to that song again. Even till now, i still have that chill down my skins when i hear it.

"Grandma you tried all your best didnt you? Maybe you should rest now. Granmda i think it's time to sleep...
.. Goodnight."

When my parents came back to the states, none of us ever talked about her last days or the funeral. It was too much to bear. It was the kind of silence that you can hear the slowly cracking sound in your chest.

Few days later it snowed the first snowfall of that winter. Everything was covered in white, and the day seemed brighter. It was the first time i saw snow. It looked really peaceful. I know this sounds silly but that day, for a short moment, i felt like it was a comfort from you.

We're all going to church tmr to pray for you C: its 4am now +_+ This week was deadweek before finals and yes im sure pretty dead by now... please wake me up on time or your beloved son will strangle me in bed...

i miss you too Grandma. I ll see you and Mino again really soon C:
rest.in.peace.