late night
winter
dark room with only light coming out from phones and laptop
comfy bed
piles of blankets
hennessy
girl friend
pajama, messy untied hair
bare feet
slow jams
drake
marvin room
when im gone

if there were drugs to erase memories, would you take it?





i, too, want to be forgiven.

sometimes i wonder if anything could hurt more than this.

...

i didn't have a really good day. the new year eve started with frustration. the day was long and tiring. then something happened and ended everything with tears.
just one of those days where i feel so small and vulnerable as if the world is about to collapse on my shoulders.



krystal hang in there.

they either make me their girlfriend, or they leave. i know there's always two sides of a story. i dont know what logic they use on their side, but for me i feel like im being used, or my friendship is being used, or is there even a friendship between us in the first place?
i enjoy solitude. i find simple joys in the silence. in the end people who promised to be there, were not. in the end everyone leaves. in the end i'm on my own. i rather be alone than share my life with people whom i know would leave once they couldn't get what they wanted from me.
im not playing hard to get. im just trying to protect myself from feeling disappointed over and over and over again. i dont expect anyone to understand that either. im so used to it.

early morning silence.

Its been snowing for few hours now.
i curled up in my blanket and stayed outside for nearly an hour looking at the snow falling.
I love snow. It's beautiful from the outside but icy cold when you come closer and its nothing more than a white tasteless fragile piece of solid.
My grandma passed away in winter, few days later came the first snowfall i've ever seen. Back then i wanted to believe it was her way to comfort me. After that i couldnt help but think of her everytime it snows. They're pretty much alike, peaceful, comfortable, soul soothing, reassuring..

You miss me dont you :) i miss you too :)

"And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy." -

this is probably one of the worst nights i ve ever had.

i thought he would hit her, or they would hit each others. they reminded me of those aggressive scenes i ve seen on tv. i sat there crying at the top of my lungs and he couldnt hear me. at times like this, and yes there were so many times like this, for a second i was silently begging my grandmother to take both of them with her. maybe that way they could have been in a better place than this. theyre both so exhausted. life seems to suck all the happiness out of them.and its painful to watch.
i was scared to death.

i wanted to tell her this is why im not good with words, why i grew quiet, why i rather shut my mouth and do my own things, because most of the time she opens her mouth, someone's feeling gets hurt.
i wanted to tell him this is why i'm so guarded, because the first man who ever exists in my life is aggressive and verbally abusive. and alcohol really helps. god how much i hate how alcohol can make someone so scary.

words cut deep.

i felt so sorry for them. i wish there's sth i can do to ease their pain, to make it all better. they ve suffered too much. im helpless. the night seems so long.

my head hurts like a mother. tomorrow please dont be so terrible..

"In another life...

...grabbed a bunch of blanket and climbed to the roof
talked about the future like we had a clue...