this is probably one of the worst nights i ve ever had.

i thought he would hit her, or they would hit each others. they reminded me of those aggressive scenes i ve seen on tv. i sat there crying at the top of my lungs and he couldnt hear me. at times like this, and yes there were so many times like this, for a second i was silently begging my grandmother to take both of them with her. maybe that way they could have been in a better place than this. theyre both so exhausted. life seems to suck all the happiness out of them.and its painful to watch.
i was scared to death.

i wanted to tell her this is why im not good with words, why i grew quiet, why i rather shut my mouth and do my own things, because most of the time she opens her mouth, someone's feeling gets hurt.
i wanted to tell him this is why i'm so guarded, because the first man who ever exists in my life is aggressive and verbally abusive. and alcohol really helps. god how much i hate how alcohol can make someone so scary.

words cut deep.

i felt so sorry for them. i wish there's sth i can do to ease their pain, to make it all better. they ve suffered too much. im helpless. the night seems so long.

my head hurts like a mother. tomorrow please dont be so terrible..