“The only things you can take with you when you leave this world are the things you’ve packed inside your heart.”

— Susan Gale

I have always found joy in reading quotes, or inspirational writings. They get things off my chest.
Depression is a very different thing from sadness. I dont know how to explain it by words. Lately I have been feeling like its stain is starting to creep into my heart again. The last thing i want is to be dependent on medicines. I hate seeing myself like this.

I came across this quote few days ago. It made me wonder what i have packed with me so far, and what my grandma took with her when she left. I heard she was nearly unconscious during her last days. Was her heart tightly sealed with sorrow before she left? I wondered if mine would be too, if the same thing happened to me.
... Maybe, maybe not.
But then i realized my grandma was the kind of person that forgives before i even ask for it... yeah.. i think she really was that kind of person.

...

I had a lucid dream about her few days ago. Lucid dreams are any dreams that one is aware that they're dreaming. I was somewhere near the edge of a virtual reality. Not long after that, i knew i was going to wake up very soon. I felt my eyelids tightened and tears constantly running, while my mind was helplessly grabbing the left over of my dream. I didnt want to wake up.

My grandma was doing sth in the front yard of our old house, wearing her usual black pant and light blue shirt, short wavy hair, tall and skinny. I remember the little version of me hiding in her shadow when we were walking home from school during hot sunny day.
There was a bus.

Waiting for me is like waiting on the wrong side of the road for the last bus that has already passed...

My grandma called me Manh at home, it means "strong". I have been sick and weak ever since i was born, so she gave the name so i could grow stronger. My childhood friends used to make fun of it. Even my friends now find it funny too, not in a mean way though. I just laugh it off. I love that name. I love everything i got from her, my name, my quietness, my saving, my persistence with life...

The things you love the most are things that you will let hurt you the most. 

 My grandma was a strong old lady. She carried the world on her shoulders. She, too, carried me on her shoulders.

sometimes i wish i were a little stronger
sometimes i wish i were something different, like a big tree maybe. a big tree that watches its leaves falling off little by little, branches bending in the strong wind, but the tree remains standing.
... just something more than this vulnerable self.



When i opened my eyes, my parents were fighting a again. I felt really bad. I felt like my heart was in a serious panic that even my breastbones were shaking. I hate dreaming.
I couldnt stand it any longer so i called my friend hoping she would pick up. It was 3 or 4 in the morning and she's a heavy sleeper. But thanks God she heard my call.
I feel relieved and secure to fall asleep with someone on the phone. I have a bad habit of having someone on the phone with me when i feel strangely uneasy at night, especially during the days i coped with depression. It feels nice, well to me at least, like you know you're not by yourself, someone else who actually cares is there too. Im very blessed to have such people in my life.
I dont like sleeping by myself. I'm still not used to it. I mean it's not a big deal but it could have been better to have someone to kick and snore to.
im kidding i dont snore.

this blog is giving me a headache. goodnight~

12:15

how much a heart can hold

hot hot hot (￣▽￣;)

My room is like a green house. It's soo hot i cant sleep. Ugh. +_+. It hit 85 today. Did all the heat get trapped in here or sth?? ~~~ eotteokhaeeee I cant tolerate hot weather +_+. Someone help........... I need to sleep. I have a goddarn 8 am class tmr, and a midterm after. I just barely recover from my flu. I ve been in zoombie mode for a week. My window stuck, cant open it...argggg.
Despite how hot the room is, i cant sleep without a part of me covered in blanket.. Im an idiot. Is God challenging me?... Jk. Enough w the hyperness. I hate myself everytime for staying up so late. I need to start a 1 week challenge to sleep at 11ish. Winner can stay up till 4 the following week. Hhaha. Jk.
My baybi is back in May. Im so happy i cant wait <3
I washed all my blankets, bath towels, pillow pets and boori today. My bed smells like fresh linen<3 boori bear is super fluffy and two times fatter C: but since the pillow got fat too, now i cant sleep well with high pillow +_+ this post is never gonna end lol. goodnight world~

ugh.

i went home today with a heavy heart. the max stopped running few mins after i got on and i didnt even notice,  i had a bad time from work, so i blanked out at my seat. after half an hour i finally snapped out of it and walked back to pioneer to catch another max and end up wait another 20 mins. it stopped again half my way home so it totally took me 2 hours to get home. i have been moody all day and that just not helped at all.
since i came home so late all my plans were canceled. i thought i should have at least study or do sth productive, just to ended up in the kitchen helping my mom w food and cleaning up. i felt bad if she had to do everything by herself, and i ended up feeling so much worse after cause basically i didnt get anything done today, while there r so many many things to work on.
i have been stressed out so much ever since last term. i'm suffocated in a pile of pressure i put on myself. i feel like i have failed myself so badly. im disappointed. every night i go bed bracing myself not to give up, and try again the next day. i did got things done but i could have done more. lets be fair, i need learn to give myself some credits instead of pressure.. i do feel good about the fact that i havent given up yet after all this time. at the same time i hope im not just trying in vein.
it's a terrible experiment, for me at least, to watch yourself hit rock bottom knowing its all your fault, and to try pulling yourself back up. but the lesson learned was worth it, so i guess i dont regret. i can't. if i spend too much time looking at failures in the past, i wont be able to see the future.
battles with yourself  are always the worst ... and i need to win.

i m not the type who vent to others, which sometimes i wish i were.. it might have been better than to bottle up inside. My doctor once told me "maybe thats why you have gerd", i wasnt sure if he was joking. I write a lot instead, like a lot a lot. i have a diary, 2 bloggers, tumblr, twitter and many many notes on my ipod and on my phone. i have habit of spilling my mood and feeling out on words whenever i feel like it. i suck at writing tho, that's why 80% of my posts are still saved as draft cause i always fell asleep before i could finish them.
I dont want my parents to know any of my business, maybe its bc i grew up alone. i did have few close friends during my early teenage years, but those were the carefree innocent days. when life started throwing bricks i was all by myself.
i got carried away again. anyway, i felt so bad at the end of the day that i just lied flat on the couch like a dead fish, pretended to watch drama w my mom so she wouldnt question me anymore about my day. my brain froze and tears rolled down before i could realize it. i didnt know my eyes were all wet till i caught my mom looking at me, then she did the most nicest thing to comfort someone in her very own way: she reached her foot to my face and tried to wipe my tears with her toe. -__________- well at least that made me laugh out loud.

kay lets talk about sth positive. i had lab at 9am and we finished early so my friend thuy and i had some times to walk around farmer market in the warm sunlight. we took the street car to nob hill district later for some crepes. my friend hannah recommended this place called love via crepes few days ago. i LOVE their crepes! so yeah that crepe was the only good thing that happened today.
oh noo there r actually few more things!! my boho lace skirt came and i love it! my ball string lights also came. wheeee. i ordered 3 packages: rainbow, blue/ivory and shades of purple C: prettyyyyy! imma hang them up soon!

henny.

drove me to a stage where im just lying here watching a thousand thoughts in my head to crash and explode. i have always wondered if people actually enjoyed the taste of alcohol, or most of them just drink for a social sake. i still remember my first shot ever. my dad was a party guy, he usually asked me to go buy him this brown liquid since the store was only couple of houses away from ours. yeah in asia there s really no law. you have money or power, you pretty much can do everything, at least that was how things worked in my area.

lack of sleep.

It's 1:30am and im supposed to be studying right now but like always, i ended up on youtube... I have a thing for sky lantern ever since i was little. I've watched this vid in HD a million times! This has to be the most fascinating scene i've ever seen from disney :D The first time i watched this movie was in 3D, everything was just so vivid! The first sight of the lantern light brought a hugeee smile on my face, and around 1:40 i forgot to breath, that's how crazy i am for sky lantern haha.

I remember having a list of "things-to-do-before-i-die" from years ago and seeing a sky lantern festival is still on top. Sometimes i imagine myself graduating from university (or grad school if i can) and take my mom to Thailand, Taiwan or China to see this! It'll be soooooo awesome n______n
still, i kinda wonder what happens after, it's not very eco-friendly is it?... Thousand of lanterns must have killed much oxygen... and maybe pollution after they all burn up and ashes spread out everywhere...uhm.. :|

I bought many cotton balls string lights and hung them all over my rooms. When I'm in between the border of reality and dreamland, they look like they're all floating and glowing in the air as I slowly fall asleep feeling lighthearted C: my cure of stress or depression; David Choi - By My Side and glowing lantern lights C: I leave the music playing all night whenever my mind is heavy and my heart feels weighed down. And the next morning when i wake up to soft music playing and warm yellow lights, even if it's just for a short time, it feels much better.

I always wake up early around 6 7 when i dont feel very well, emotionally. Tiring, but it's my favorite time of the day; when the sun isn't up yet, rays of blue-ish dim light sneak through the window curtain and draw stripes on the wall. Most of the time i curl up in my blanket and just lie there in good-quality solitude. I <3 sleeping in piles of blankets, "protection". Isn't it nice?
"it feels lonely" - others said. That's true in some ways. Sometimes the line between being alone and being lonely is too thin i couldn't tell them apart myself. I've read that if we enjoy the person we're alone with, we wont feel lonely, it's a quote about self-gratitude. I like the silence. I grew up around too much noise. When the world is quiet, i can finally hear myself, my thoughts, my desires... just mine and nothing else. When there is a war going on outside, I find a way to shut out everything but my own thoughts, it'll guide me through so i wont feel so lost... Not all who wander are lost anyway.

i got carried away...nvm, goodnight world C:

Im drowning in the endless stream of thoughts and mixed feelings.

"Faded way too long I'm floating in and out of conciousness.."

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