i went home today with a heavy heart. the max stopped running few mins after i got on and i didnt even notice, i had a bad time from work, so i blanked out at my seat. after half an hour i finally snapped out of it and walked back to pioneer to catch another max and end up wait another 20 mins. it stopped again half my way home so it totally took me 2 hours to get home. i have been moody all day and that just not helped at all.
since i came home so late all my plans were canceled. i thought i should have at least study or do sth productive, just to ended up in the kitchen helping my mom w food and cleaning up. i felt bad if she had to do everything by herself, and i ended up feeling so much worse after cause basically i didnt get anything done today, while there r so many many things to work on.
i have been stressed out so much ever since last term. i'm suffocated in a pile of pressure i put on myself. i feel like i have failed myself so badly. im disappointed. every night i go bed bracing myself not to give up, and try again the next day. i did got things done but i could have done more. lets be fair, i need learn to give myself some credits instead of pressure.. i do feel good about the fact that i havent given up yet after all this time. at the same time i hope im not just trying in vein.
it's a terrible experiment, for me at least, to watch yourself hit rock bottom knowing its all your fault, and to try pulling yourself back up. but the lesson learned was worth it, so i guess i dont regret. i can't. if i spend too much time looking at failures in the past, i wont be able to see the future.
battles with yourself are always the worst ... and i need to win.
i m not the type who vent to others, which sometimes i wish i were.. it might have been better than to bottle up inside. My doctor once told me "maybe thats why you have gerd", i wasnt sure if he was joking. I write a lot instead, like a lot a lot. i have a diary, 2 bloggers, tumblr, twitter and many many notes on my ipod and on my phone. i have habit of spilling my mood and feeling out on words whenever i feel like it. i suck at writing tho, that's why 80% of my posts are still saved as draft cause i always fell asleep before i could finish them.
I dont want my parents to know any of my business, maybe its bc i grew up alone. i did have few close friends during my early teenage years, but those were the carefree innocent days. when life started throwing bricks i was all by myself.
i got carried away again. anyway, i felt so bad at the end of the day that i just lied flat on the couch like a dead fish, pretended to watch drama w my mom so she wouldnt question me anymore about my day. my brain froze and tears rolled down before i could realize it. i didnt know my eyes were all wet till i caught my mom looking at me, then she did the most nicest thing to comfort someone in her very own way: she reached her foot to my face and tried to wipe my tears with her toe. -__________- well at least that made me laugh out loud.
kay lets talk about sth positive. i had lab at 9am and we finished early so my friend thuy and i had some times to walk around farmer market in the warm sunlight. we took the street car to nob hill district later for some crepes. my friend hannah recommended this place called love via crepes few days ago. i LOVE their crepes! so yeah that crepe was the only good thing that happened today.
oh noo there r actually few more things!! my boho lace skirt came and i love it! my ball string lights also came. wheeee. i ordered 3 packages: rainbow, blue/ivory and shades of purple C: prettyyyyy! imma hang them up soon!
