"I turned to one side and played a soft song on the phone hoping it would distract and sooth my mind.

Personally, i think the hardest part after a break up is that it was the last thing on my mind before i fell asleep and the first thing i remembered when i was just barely awake. Its like my body knew it stucked in some kind of a neverending circle, and everytime i woke up was another round, another same round... I slept a lot. Someday i wished i didn't wake up. I thought sleep was the safe zone, the time-out break, but it wasn't. Sleep was when reality failed and dreams took over. Those dreams haunted me. I hate dreaming.
Every early morning, when the world was most quiet, when i could hear my mind the loudest, consciousness was my own enemy."

...



This midterm week needs to be over asap. I'm barely on the edge of pulling myself together.

Im sleeping with my mom tonight.. I feel sick in the stomach. These days i ve been feeling so weak and tired all day, moody, stressed out of upcoming exams, stuffs... And above all i feel so unease at heart.

Its so cold in her room...
I miss my dog... Today my friend said sth about adopted dogs and cats that reminded me of my dog. Those were harmless words. But her words were very sad, at least to me they were. And tears spilled out before i realized, and i missed my dog... Back then when we had to give her away, i had a thought of her ending up in some poor adoption shelter. That happened very often... She was old. She was a very normal breed, the type people wouldnt notice... I heard she was doing fine though, that she gave birth a few times. My grandma took her home from the next door neighbor when i was in 2nd grade, summer 1997 or 1998 i think...

Its true that you can forget the doings but you can never forget the feelings. But there r certain memories i dont allow myself to touch... I got exhausted from the nostalgia, regrets and tears. Sometimes i think of those first few years after i moved to the states and a big part of me shut off. 5 years arent long at all. And even now i could barely see myself visible...

All this sickness and studying really drains me out..

I feel like throwing up

Its like when you re with your best friend you have all the confidence in the world to be yourself but when youre with someone you like you re always self-conscious bout whatever youre saying and doing :(

Day 6: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Since i dont find much interesting things about myself, i ll just write 30 random facts...

1. Everyone who knows me believes that im a kpop freak, but piano/instrument is still my most favorite type of music, because there s no word.
2. I have a list of things to do before i die and the first one is to see a sky lantern festival.
3. Cute socks make me happy.
4. My dream wedding location is in the middle of a cherry blossom park.
5. Myungsoo
6. My current most favorite song is Wind Crest The 3 Trails from FF X-2
7. I like books and quotes. I like Haruki Murakami's style of writing.
8. Sometimes i drank so that i could cry. But tears didnt come out and i felt like crying so bad. I used to cry a lot as a kid and teenager. I cry easily.

4am
I decided not to know anymore. I should care less. It's not my business. It shouldn't be my business. I did all i could. I can't please everyone. When it ends, it ends, even if that means that i'll have to be by myself again.

...

What a night...

"Sadness touches everyone, even the ones who shouldn't feel sad at all..."
"There's so much pain, and sadness, and emptiness, it never stops..."
Some nights I just feel so lost inside of myself.

"What is she best at?"

"running away."

Sometimes i wonder if he and i ever stand in the same memory..
And if that ever happened, i wish he remembered the good things i had done instead of the fool i was.. Like i have always tried to remember his kind wounded heart instead of all things that were wrong.

Other pp play piano as if their fingers are streams flowing softly. Why do i play piano like im forcing myself to poop ??????

Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life.

Like right now, my headache is killing me...
Jk.
I've never felt like ending my own life. I think i was close, but not to that point yet. I think i wasnt born to end my life half way. I rather finish what i start. There were multiple times i forgot how to feel, or times i felt like a dead person living.. And everything was dead black. But there s more to life than just the pain, isnt it?... No matter how original my life is, im meant to make sth out of it.. right...?
And to imagine someone ending their own life is beyond my imagination. Some say pp die not bc theyre sad but bc they need to stop the pain somehow. Some say pp die bc they want to feel again. I would like to hear what they really think, i want to listen for a long long time, even though im not sure that would help me understand anything.
The mind can be such a terrible place.




“In a sense, I’m the one who ruined me: I did it myself.”
— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

I love my camera very much. I also love myungsoo very much. I love the fact that myungsoo loves his camera very much. I think i love myungsoo a lil bit more than my camera.

Happy Snake Year~~~~~ :DDDD

Snakes are so cool I like snakeee~~~

Rose.

"An 87 Year Old College Student Named Rose

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me
with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?”

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze.
“Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked.
She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…”
“No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.We became instant friends. Every day for the
next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine”
as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and
she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was
introduced and stepped up to the podium.

As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell
you what I know.”

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, “We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop
playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day.

You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing
older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.

If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.
Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those
with regrets.”

She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.”

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died
peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s
never too late to be all you can possibly be .When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they’ll really enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS
OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give."

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