Krystal,
You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy.
You are not a quitter.

수고했어요, 종현아. /In Memory of Kim Jong-hyun, 4/8/1990 - 12/18/2017/

They buried you today.
The past 4 days have been a mixture of emotions that I can’t bear..
They buried you today. It did not hit me until today that it is really over.
You’re really gone today...

Rest in peace, Jong-hyun. Farewell, Jonghyun.
Once I heard that maybe life isn’t meant for everyone...
You lived and worked so hard to pursue the meaning of your life
And you found it
And you eased the pain of so many people
You had a black dog and its name was depression
No one will forget you, Jonghyun.
People dont die from suicide.. they die from sadness..
Over there, I hope you're no longer hurting
You went so young..
Wherever you are, I hope you find peace in your heart
Maybe overtime, we’ll have a chance at forgiveness
I think we will have to forgive that you had to go this soon
We will have to forgive what hurts
As long as you’re re not hurting anymore.. we’ll figure it out ..
So dont you worry.
You did very well, Jonghyun. You hung on for so long. You fought for so long. You tried so hard.
You truly did well, Jonghyun.
Now, just rest.

수고했어요, 종현아.. 고마웠어요 종현아..


- In Memory of Kim JongHyun, 4/8/1990 - 12/18/2017

Don’t let the world make you hard
Don’t let the pain make you hate
...

I miss my best friend. I miss having a best friend close by.

I hope my life will make sense some days.

Time changes people. Life changes people. Unfortunately, sometimes they love you a little less. In the beginning, you were everything in their sight. Some days you feel a little smaller, a little less important. Not visible enough, not important enough, to be considered like the first time.


It started with less concern
then no sympathy
then "get lost, get out of my house"
then "fuck you!"
then "useless"
then "brainless"


When it's good, it's wonderful. When it's bad, it's heartbreaking.
Each time I asked myself how I could improve it, what else I could do, which way I could work around with, how I could communicate.
I have tried to live with both.
I am now trying to live without both.

I don't think "we always hurt the one we love" is a good enough reason.
I don't think we should break the one we love.
I don't think it's anyone's fault.
Maybe time changes people, life changes people.
Maybe there is a cost for every achievement.



.

There is an elephant stomping on my chest.
But unlike 6 years ago, I now know how to make myself happy, even when I'm sad.

Thank you for the past 10 valuable years. Please be with me always for the rest of my path. We will reunion soon :)

10/31/2007 - 10/31/2017

I learn that more often you forgive people simply because you still very much want them in your life.

I also learn that, unfortunately, certain things will happen again and again to you until you realize the lesson you’re supposed to receive is already delivered. You have already learnt what you needed to learn. There is nothing else but to accept that certain things are only meant to teach you, they are not meant for you.

I learn that “we always hurt the ones we love” is not an acceptable reason.

I learn that you should not loose yourself in the process of loving someone so much.

I learn that respect is the ultimate value someone can give to another one. 

There is this saying:” In the end, only 3 things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

I have loved someone very much.

I have lived gently.

Now I will learn how to gracefully let go of things not meant for me.

.

Today marks 10 years since I came to the States. When I first set foot on this land, a 16 y/o wearing her heart on her sleeves, I did not imagine this could be the life I would have. I did not imagine that exactly 10 years later, a 26 y/o me, a bit more flawed, a bit wiser, a bit more wounded, a bit more empathetic, laying in bed with an aching yet content heart writing this diary. I will always be grateful for everything and everyone that crosses my path. I grew. I lived my truth. I lived kindly. I did not allow life to make me bitter.

I am alright :)

People suck. Family suck.
Everyone suck
Everything suck

Leave me alone
Leave me alone

Expectation.

Once in a while I wish I could just get away from everyone for a month, living in quietness and spending quality time on my own. People talk so much. Why do they talk so much? All these voices surrounding... Everyone is so damn demanding. I feel so out of balance. I just need some times on my own.

I had a pretty good day until my tummy decided to get all upset :<
Deciding whether to just throw up or sleep it off...

Sutures

I got to cut the sutures today haha my doc is so nice I mean those are such quick little steps for him and Im sure I slowed his procedure down but he let me cut them hahaha who gets all thrilled from cutting sutures and removing staples hahaha 😂😂😂 this girl 👈🏻 😱😆  #mydocisawesome Did I mention he made a long pretty incision?👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Last month marked my 2nd year being a scribe. I learnt so much, emergency, knowledge, tests, decision making, bedside manners (my fav), welcomes and goodbyes :<
There are days I felt so draggy getting to work but for some reasons once my badge made that beep sound to open the doors, all tiredness disappeared. *insert dramatic opening theme"
I think the reason I get to learn and love this job is thank to the people here.
On Brett's last day at the ED, we had a little talk and I told him I spent years wandering my paths not knowing where I belong or what I can make of myself. But now I know exactly where I want to be and he gave me that chance :) and Im forever thankful for that.
Then I remember feeling delighted to know that Marcus was taking over I mean he has been so encouraging and caring enough to give us regular feedbacks that are real helpful. He gave me a lot of courage.
I do remember he was the first doctor that said to me a few times "you can call me Marcus" haha. I grew up in a culture where doctors are often viewed like the cold superior or the almighty, I wasnt even used to calling their first names haha but everyone is all unique and nice here ^_^
I'm gonna be sobbing and so sentimental when I have to leave this place hahaha I wasnt even that close to Derrevere but I was all teary already. I hope he is doing fabulous and surrounded by awesome scribes😂 So is Dr Westcott n Dr Lancefield n Dr Lee n Dr Shaw :D
I hope Marcus and everyone stay here for a while more😱
Idky Im writing these when Im supposed to sleep🙄
... Probably because of the sutures hahaha

I remember seeing a patient in room 22 with torticollis. He kept his head tilted >45 degrees to the right for comfort. I was wondering how that could be. Then I got the same thing over the past 2-3 days😑
I worked through a 10 hour shift with my neck bent to the right and slightly backwards😑
I need this thing to stopppp😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑


I'm liking these 10hr shift, even though Im a little dead afterwards😅😅😅


Im missing my babies😽😽😽


I played Grey's 1st ep in the background prior to sleep and it made me so sad. George dies Izze leaves. It's not the same after Mark and Lexie and Cristina and Derek😢😢😢 and Callie is gone too😢


My parents would not stop. Watching them makes my heart so so heavy...


Sometimes I crave for everything to stop...
These days I have thought about it too often...

I listened to a heart murmur today😱😱😱
It sounded like the wind whooshing🌬🌬🌬
I heard the heart beating too ba boom ba boom ba boom😱😱😱 those heartbeats from movies got nothin' on this😆
I watched a tube went down the throat up close the other day too😱😱😱
One day I will get to put one in myself 😱😱😱💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
#mydocisawesome 😆😆😆

I like the heart murmur sound😄

Sunflowers love :x

Despite my sad n pathetic week,

I stumbled upon a video on fb yesterday about a giant dancing sunflowers field and Im still SO! OBSESSED! LIKE! OH! MY! GAWDDDD! 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
HEAVEN!!!!!!!!
Just looking at it makes my heart full 😚😚😚☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️
Can I just go there and lie there for the rest of my life😌

I seriously need to start taking pictures again... my sad and lonely camera is dusty🤦🏻‍♀️
🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Blessing and a curse

One of those days when you're physically and mentally exhausted and fed up with everyone and everything...
you end up on the couch with smudged mascara, bloodshot eyes, stuff nose, and a heavy heart.


I dont know how to love my parents..
trying to love them is like trying to hug a pair of porcupines
You have to put in effort to open up and to bond; at the same time you have to guard yourself so you dont end up alone in your front porch trying to glue yourself together, over and over again
somepeople are so difficult to love..
I dont know why I keep trying and trying

I dont know how it's always family that hurts most.

I am so tired..

I am so so tired
...

Today at work Marcus Dr. Chiodo told me that I'm the most thorough😄😄😄😆😆😆

super happy😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

*dancing crazily*😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆


#dontgiveup
#motivation

#

I came through a tumblr post that violently reminds me of the old days.
“It’s like a mother, when the baby is crying, she picks up the baby and she holds the baby tenderly in her arms. Your pain, your anxiety is your baby. You have to take care of it. You have to go back to yourself, recognize the suffering in you, embrace the suffering, and you get a relief.” - TNH

There was a period of time in my late teens early twenties, I was drowning.
..So I closed my eyes while driving on the freeway.
But I caught myself.
I went back to myself.
I accepted what hurt.
I accepted my lifeless self.
I embraced the suffering.
I made peace with it.
I carried it with me gently like carrying a child since the moment I was barely awake in the morning til the monent I drifted off to sleep at night.
I told it "I know you're there. I hear you I feel you even in my sleep. You can stay as long as you need to let go."
And there was just the two of us, crawling in my little chest wall listening to the clock ticking by.
And one time I had a relief.
And one day it left.

Sometimes it creeps back in to find me,
and we sit in silence like the old days,
and I say, "I know you're there. So don't be sad."

"It's okay that you stay for a little while, just a little while. I am good now."

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck :)