Bliss

I’m home by myself for 2 nights. I’m under a pile of blanket listening to my piano playlist and Lee Sora. 

God it’s been awhile ...

Pandemic life makes me forget how healing solitude can be.

Feels so so good, and peaceful. 

God I didn’t realize I need this so much until I’m warm in bed in absolute silence but the cats’ paws stepping on wood floor, the sound of acoustic guitar and piano

🥺 

I love this so much.

9/14/2014

 “The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy." 

- Thich Nhat Hanh.

The kid on the hill

I was going to write that these days I've been feeling too much

then I realize I feel too much my entire life haha..

I want to get a new tattoo. Few more weeks Sept will be over and I can start over again, clean and re-organizing my disoriented life, repot the plants, and maybe get a hair cut, and more tattoos..

Today I wanted to go back to when I was 13 year old, sitting at Mimosa hill under the clear sky looking out to the green tea plantation and telling myself to carve that afternoon carefully in my memory.

“Even if our footsteps may not align,

I’d like to walk on this path with you.

Still will you.”

Days of reminiscence and uncertainty

I spent the past few days listening to my old favorite Studio Ghibli piano songs. It’s been a while that I forgot how mind calming they could be. And they make me feel things in my heart, things Idk how I explain.. a bit of tranquility, reassurance or contentment? maybe some consolation too..

These days Im anxious. I talk in my head every night to calm myself. They said self compassion is also important but sometimes we forget about it. I watched Joe Hisaishi play Summer. I looked at him with his piano and I could see evidence of time passing on his features. But he played with the same heart. 

Me, who has no talent in music, always find myself in awe with admiration and gratitude for the artists, the composers, the performers. Their creation, their crafts keep me going. 

When pp ask what youre most grateful for. The first thing in my mind will always be that my hearing is intact.. 

I, too, would be thankful if I can grow old with the same heart. 

—

I had 2 really yummy fruit teas the past 2 days. Made me feel so good.

I listened to a new song I Build A Friend by Alec Benjamin today and felt a lump in my throat. Such a sad yet endearing song. It‘s technically not new. His voice really compliments this one😢. It’s truly his song. 

My cats r about to murder each other, at midnight.

...

I wish i’m better at expressing myself. I suck in both languages haha

I miss the kids.. missing out on many of their stuffs. JK is really inspiring he really improved so much. This kid is crazy talented and diligent T_T 

...

Goodnight.

Are there people in the world who are also too quick to feel and too much at once?

Growing up I’m thankful for it.. Despite its sad sad core, I think it’s made me kind, and resilient, and empathetic. 

But there are days out of the blue when all those emotions rush back and I got caught in the moments. 

And there’s an elephant sitting on my chest. 

These days I practice making peace with stress and anxiety, the same way I did with those hollow feelings at 19 y/o that I couldn’t name. 

I stopped fighting it. 

I stopped masking it. 

It waxes and wanes. 

I still find joy in everyday, which I’d like to pat myself in the back for. 

I feel like I’m missing a life I haven’t even experienced yet.. 

I dont know what I’m writing

It doesn’t even make sense in words

Tonight is one of those strange nights

Tomorrow will be better

I’ll make myself feel better :)

I can.

“ It is both a blessing

And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply.”

- David Jones

A soap bubble

Sometimes I imagine myself on my deathbed. When that day comes I hope I can finally understand life. 

Sometimes it feels like a never-ending cliff,

Other time, like soap bubbles 

These days I’m learning again how to be kind to myself. 

“Caught in the most curiously depressing circumstances. For years I’d been stuck, unable to take one step in any new direction. The world kept moving on; I alone was at a standstill. In the autumn, everything took a desolate cast, the colors swiftly fading before my eyes. The sunlight, the smell of the grass, the faintest patter of rain, everything got on my nerves.  

How many times did I dream of catching a train at night?”

- Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase

Life is a long farewell.

I can’t fall asleep from all this sadness inside...