Days of reminiscence and uncertainty

I spent the past few days listening to my old favorite Studio Ghibli piano songs. It’s been a while that I forgot how mind calming they could be. And they make me feel things in my heart, things Idk how I explain.. a bit of tranquility, reassurance or contentment? maybe some consolation too..

These days Im anxious. I talk in my head every night to calm myself. They said self compassion is also important but sometimes we forget about it. I watched Joe Hisaishi play Summer. I looked at him with his piano and I could see evidence of time passing on his features. But he played with the same heart. 

Me, who has no talent in music, always find myself in awe with admiration and gratitude for the artists, the composers, the performers. Their creation, their crafts keep me going. 

When pp ask what youre most grateful for. The first thing in my mind will always be that my hearing is intact.. 

I, too, would be thankful if I can grow old with the same heart. 

—

I had 2 really yummy fruit teas the past 2 days. Made me feel so good.

I listened to a new song I Build A Friend by Alec Benjamin today and felt a lump in my throat. Such a sad yet endearing song. It‘s technically not new. His voice really compliments this one😢. It’s truly his song. 

My cats r about to murder each other, at midnight.

...

I wish i’m better at expressing myself. I suck in both languages haha

I miss the kids.. missing out on many of their stuffs. JK is really inspiring he really improved so much. This kid is crazy talented and diligent T_T 

...

Goodnight.

Are there people in the world who are also too quick to feel and too much at once?

Growing up I’m thankful for it.. Despite its sad sad core, I think it’s made me kind, and resilient, and empathetic. 

But there are days out of the blue when all those emotions rush back and I got caught in the moments. 

And there’s an elephant sitting on my chest. 

These days I practice making peace with stress and anxiety, the same way I did with those hollow feelings at 19 y/o that I couldn’t name. 

I stopped fighting it. 

I stopped masking it. 

It waxes and wanes. 

I still find joy in everyday, which I’d like to pat myself in the back for. 

I feel like I’m missing a life I haven’t even experienced yet.. 

I dont know what I’m writing

It doesn’t even make sense in words

Tonight is one of those strange nights

Tomorrow will be better

I’ll make myself feel better :)

I can.

“ It is both a blessing

And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply.”

- David Jones