Im lying on the hard carpet floor at the beach house trying to sleep. Its kinda hot in here so i left the door leading to the balcony slightly open and lied next to it. From here i can hear the strong wind blowing outside, and the silence of the night.
The atmosphere is so good here.
Just a few minutes ago i was dozing off thinking of how we were going to leave early tomorrow bc my mom has to work. I originally wanted to stay longer, i missed the sound of the waves hitting the shore. Then, for a short moment i thought to myself oh its okay to leave early since she s probably waiting too. We can go home and see her soon.
...
Quickly after that, my heart silently dropped a bit as i realized how silly it was.
I have always love going to the beach, even if i have nothing to do here.
Back then, she never once came w us to the beach. We took it as her normal self and went by ourselves. And i always came home knowing she was waiting with sth yummy at home. I was used to the fact the she didnt go anywhere much w us that i didnt really question why. Now i wonder what it was like for her to be home by herself for 4 5 days.
After she s gone, i dont get that feeling anymore. Im sure my parents love me a lot. Theyre not perfect, or they could have done better.. but i appreciate as much as what they could do for me and my brother.
... But i couldnt feel it again.
that feeling like im home, or im coming home...
that feeling when she was still around so i could fall asleep soundly, knowing that i would hear her voice when i woke up
saying that doesnt mean i dont sleep well haha.. I sleep like a pig w a full tummy in fact.
its just not the same...
I ve read somewhere that people dont grow up, we just grow old; we re just kids with lots of lessons learned.
I do think i ve matured a lot compared to before, just banging myself around a lot in order to learn... But at times i feel like im just merely a lost child trapped in a 20 year old body and mind.
I, too, get scared sometimes.. I get scared all the time...
I, too, want to feel protected
and i sometimes crave for that feeling
...so much that i long for her even though years has passed by...
Maybe thats why its so comfortable lying down and look at the sky, as if she casts a huge soft blue blanket over me.
...
Its 3am already.
I guess sometimes when im at the blurry line between dreamland amd reality, i feel as if anything is possible, anything can happen, im as free as a child and time doesnt exist. In that short moment, my long forgotten desires, the things that are impossible...
maybe they can happen...
