2048

Im crying so much

I have 2 homes but none of them makes me feel loved

I want to go very far away

Limits.

I had a long tiring day with head-exploding unnecessary fights. I just want to break things or throw everything away. I just want to go somewhere new and be something else.  

My mother is not happy with me

and probably never will.

...

It makes me feel like I'm some kind of damaged good. 

No matter what I become.

There is so much more about living than a category.

There is so much more about a person than his shell.

She is hurt because she does not understand.

I'm hurt because I understand.

I sometimes envy the people who don't care about their parents.

I sometime wish I don't care about mine or what they think or how they feel or how their marital relationship ruined me.

My parents are my backbone... 

And I tell myself everyday that I need to continue holding myself together even when my backbone doesn't do what it's supposed to do. I need to  function and progress even when my backbone doesn't support me.

Some path you have to walk alone. 

The familiar

You think you're slowly learning to understand and accept someone, until you realize they have always been looking for someone else in you. It's a bitter mixture of betrayal, disappointment, self-loathing, and a bit loneliness. 

But you remind yourself "this is not the first person and this is not the first time", you will be okay. Dont take negative things to heart. Dont let it make you bitter. 

I care a little too much about people. I have always been. I see myself in their shoes a little too often, Im not sure why I do that, it comes a bit natural like an old habit, maybe more often than I should, so I go an extra mile doing things for them the way I hope someone would do for me, to make them a little more comfortable. I grew up like that and I live my life like that. It's both a blessing and a curse, because people like me don't get noticed. We get taken for granted. We get mistaken for the things we don't do over all the things we have done. 

I didnt do well on my exam today. I feel really bad.

Keep Breathing

I
Want
To
Change
The
World
,
Instead
I
Sleep
.

Trust.

I never trust anyone or anything.

People will continue to disappoint you just like how you will disappoint them. Why trying...?

I build walls around me to keep them away

I prefer to be alone. I don't feel lonely. 

I find comfort in solitude.

I find my balance in solitude.

I find contentment and simple joy in solitude.

Once in a while, someone came along and I slowly learnt to break down my walls to let them through

Then from time to time I build those walls back up.

I want know how to learn to trust people again, especially those who hurt your feelings without knowing,

Those who push you away a little more without knowing,

Those who make you love them a little less without knowing,

Those who make you feel lonely without knowing,

Those who damage you enough to make you take a step back without knowing,

Those who probably deserve a second chance ,

Those who probably need you to not give up on them,

Those who happen to hurt you on the process of mending themselves,

I want to learn to trust someone again after all that.

But the walls are thick and steady, and I just want to sleep.

Free

Dont forget to count your blessing, not your problems. 

Days like this you only want to hide away from the world.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself, no matter what. 

Save your own life. 

Some path you have to walk alone.

My whole life I cared about people who wouldnt care about me, I paid attention to people who wouldnt pay attention to me, I prioritized people who would drop me the second they found something they thought was better. 

Growth is when you give people your best, and it's still not enough for them.. for many reasons.. good ones, selfish ones, sad ones, and also those that are lost in translation... but you have learnt to stop apologizing. You have learnt to accept the sadness from both sides. You have also learnt that nobody is meant to live the life that is not their own.

I made a friend super happy today, and I feel good! :D 

Btw here s a pic of Matt being the gorgeous human he is😱 Im on the 5th book "city of lost souls" now and I just cant even😭 "emotionalrollercoasterneverstops

I woke up 30' ago, thought i had slept pass 8 and had a mini heart attack, but it turned out to be 0625.

I dislike early morning in a way. The dim rays of light creeping through the window curtain somehow makes me feel strangely vulnearable. 

I have so much uncertainly in me over the past few weeks... All the courage I clumsily collected have seemed to slip right through my fingers as soon as I picked them up. 

Early morning asks me the same question over and over again: When will my life start to make sense? 

SOBS

Matthew Daddario 😭😭😭😭😭

Where do they find this perfect cast?😭😭😭😭😭 

I am having a reflux and my stomach is killing me😭😭😭😭😭

I have finished City of Bones, Ashes, and Glasses over the week I went to DC and yesterday I started on Bane Chronicles and now I have too much FEELSSSSS😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 

#emotionalbreakdown #mentalbreakdown #SOBS

Why Malec why😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ugr what are books and why do they do this to me😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I hate books why do they exist😭😭😭😭😭😭 

Oh man I wish I own the whole collections... that physical touch of paper on my fingertips😭😭😭😭 the smell of paper..😭😭😭

Cant wait to read them all..

Back to work tomorrow..

Is there an alternate dimension where everyone lives happily in bed with an endless magical bookshelf?😭😭😭😭

I also encountered this flawless human being called Matthew Daddario and damn.. talk about good gene😱😱😱 

And I need to finish Bane Chronicles😭

And the remains of Mortal Instruments😭

And Infernal Devices😭 

And so many more sequels😭

And so many other books😭

Bottom line is that I have too much feels and Im an emotional wreck and can I stay forever in bed under my blanket sobbing and reading to my heart's content #somebodyhelps #thethingsbooksdotoyou

The world kept moving on; I alone was at a standstill. 

- HM, A Wild Sheep Chase

I think that's what happens when you open up to people, you get judged.

So I taught myself to keep it all inside, hug it to sleep, say hi to it when I wake up, carry it with me to live on, and maybe accept it one day, and maybe I can really let go one day. 

And maybe I can be at peace with myself again one day. 

And maybe I can be at peace with myself  even if it's still next to me one day. 

I hope one day all these sadness will sort themselves out...

"I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

- F .Scott Fitzgerald

I carry its shadow with me in the sunlight.

The older I become, the easier I find it is to let go, truely, completely, sincerely...

Like a child wrapping his favorite toy tight in his arm, afraid to lose it, the older him  places the toy in a glass drawer and look at it from far away, knowing that it's his, but it doesnt belong to him, yet it's a part of him.

Nothing in this world belongs to me, yet every life I have touched, every hand I have hold, and every moment I have spent, are parts of me. No one is able to rip them off me, even myself.

They are not mine. They are parts of me.

They are not the big picture. I am the big picture. 

So I let go

because everything I let go isn't lost.

I am building a firm foundation with the bricks other people have thrown at me.