"I'm so guarded. It destroys me. I dont want to believe anyone wants to be nice to me." - Khloe K.

since im so tired today, imma spoil myself with some 명수
he was nervous haha
and gosh all that flashing ^________^ the cam flashes went on like crayyyyzyyy when myungsoo stood up xD esp when he was talking ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
aigooo nae namja in vest<3 *dead*

second day back to school.

im feeling this term :) but still there r plenty of works to do and the memorization part is gonna kill me for sure.

i dropped off the photos to chi Thuy this morning and seems like they like it. im so relieved *sobs*
i still have a lot to learn, esp editing skills.

the area where their house locates is so so nice. it's also close to my grandma's. i should of stop by to visit her while i was there. cant wait till this week's over and hopefully after i get parts of my school works done, i may have a bit of spare time to go around and take pictures.
im so into taking pics these days, not bc i got paid *lol*, but it feels really refreshing and easeful, in my case, doing something that catches your whole interest and concentration. all the problems and burden magically disappear when i *snap snap snap*. my mind goes blank and all that presents is that very moment i try to capture.
editing is tiring, honestly. my whole body sores. but i'll learn from it i guess.

"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." - Henri Cartier-Bresson.

off.

he's off.

and even after all this time, i look at him and silently pray to an invisible god that he may be at peace, that he's now healed, and that he's now strong and courageous enough to have faith in himself if he ever falls again.

because those are all the things i couldnt do.
i wasnt able to do it for him
i wasnt able to do it for myself


...


i asked myself once if it was just another bandaid to cover up the wound
but it looked like the wound was slowly healing under that bandaid
then i asked myself again if i should have found that magic bandaid instead of leaving that cut opened
i felt sorry. so much.
i was sorry i couldnt put that many stuffs in one small fragile container.



...



i, too, wanted to be at peace with myself. but i wasnt. it took me months and months, and i'm still not.



i feel scared all the time.
...

and on top of everything, im scared my state will scare people away,
just like how i scared myself away from people...

9.22.12 - received my first payment for shooting family portrait for a customer :D
It may also be the last one LoL anyway im happy.
... *was*

T_T
it takes a long long time to edit the pics and im so tired. I need a different way to do this editting part man. How can i go through every single pic everytime +_+ there r like 500 of them... (were 1200 pics)... Im still no where near done.

*faint*

School is official one day away. Aigoo.

Đói...

Cái dvd khỉ m chờ t vô học bài vởi ngập đầu đi rồi m hãy tới

Sáng sớm thiếu ngủ quờ quạng hất rớt cái cup xuống chân cái bụp. bùm. bể. bầm. tím. đi cà nhắc.
Số con rệp.
Ai nhắc korean bbq làm t thèm japchae lúc nửa đêm hic.
Hôm nay tui viết tiếng việt.. Random mãn tính.

Started with laugh and ended with tears.

I left the house at 9:30am and came back at 7pm. It could have been a good day...

I talked to tammie and we cried our hearts out.

3:30am
Im lying in bed feeling more scared, anxious and lonelier than ever. things went so wrong. Im just so scared to make a move. If only i had some courage... I need courage...

I wonder for how long i can keep going on like this.

Everything around me is so messy.


"Jesus talk the wheel
Take it from my hands cause i cant do this on my own.
Save me from this road im on."

어쩌면 아무도 몰라 난 다 알아. 그래서 포기하지마. 지금 안돼.

Knowing there's more beyond the pain of today.
Although the scars from yesterday remain.

how to know when sth has a huge impact on my life

it's when i have a scary dream about it.
...
i hate dreaming. it makes me feel like my mind is never at rest. sometimes im scared of my own mind...

i took a nap earlier and dreamed of going to IKEA. ive been remodeling my room recently so i guess that was why IKEA came up. while at IKEA, i visited my forever favorite pudding on rice store, which is indeed located near PSU in real life. i ve also been craving for pudding recently. turned out that the whole store was then switched into an ice cream store. i saw colorful ice cream everywhere and they looked so so pretty. but i was so disappointed that all my pudding were gone. so i decided to tried all the ice cream looking for my favorite cinamon pudding flavor. but i couldnt find it... bc they were all ice cream :| ...
i walked out of IKEA into an open empty parking lot. the sun was going down. the sky cast a gloomy color on the parking lot. i have a small fear of open empty space and dark places. so i slowly walked around sobbing in lost and in disappointment of no pudding.
then i woke up...
such a failed dream...
but it was scary T_T

all the lameness aside, my parents and i took my brother to OSU this morning. i couldnt help but showed a little jealousy that he can move on but i can't. but at least my mom was being understanding.
these few days im spending most of my time remodeling the room. we bought new furniture and i need to get rid of the stuffs i never touch for years, which take like 70% of my properties :|
anyway there r still lots to be done. im a lil frustrated with my skin condition right now that i have to avoid going out as much as possible. being home isnt boring but i feel kinda lonely having no one to talk to. my bf is back in school and she's not much of a texting person. my other friends have their own fun to enjoy and forget my existence. haha just kidding. but seriously :| *sadly wait for some attention :<*
im a very bipolar person i admit. when no one talks to me, i complain. when they talk to me, im like "so you rmb me now? go away" *ignore text* *derp face*. when i know its no prob to text pp first, i end up not texting anyone.. its all bc im lazy... then i complain bout having no one to talks to.
im just a moody spoiled brat.
good news is that this only happens for at most 24 hours.. per month...? lets just say i go through some low battery periods once in a while.

i like it when i text someone goodnight before i sleep and even though it may be 2 3am in the morning and that my text wakes them up from their deprived sleep time, they always say goodnight back :) even when they can't even read what they're typing :p
that just makes me happy :)


-------------


“Sometimes we don’t know how precious people are when they’re really close to us, but the closer we are we need to take care of each other more..." - GrandpaGyu

Busy bee

Its gonna be a long day tmr yet i cant sleep, and my tummy is growling.

Migraine is back these few days. Its getting hot again, right when i thought fall was coming.
Lately i ve felt the urge to smoke again. Its been too long. Cool summer nights are just so relaxing. It must be nice to lie down looking at stars, feel the chills on my skin as the scent slowly penetrates my brain. Maybe it ll put me to sleep faster than all this tossing n turning.

But bayyyyybiiiiiii there you go again there you go again making me love uuuuu~~~~

Amber.

"That s why people leave each other. They get close and they get selfish."-

I ve always hear things like "dont leave when it gets hard. Leave when youre doing all your best and nothing changes." but in real life people leave because its the easy way out, because it s easier to give up than to fight for what they want.

Everytime that happens to me, it reminds me of my bf and how lucky i am to have her around still. I read a survey a few days ago. They asked why are you bf with your bf? And i remember writing its because she didnt give up on me. 

I didnt understand her at the time. I didnt know what about me that could be able to make her hold on for so long. I still havent figured that out now. Looking back on those years, our teenager life wasnt the typical teen life you often see here in the states. But we fought a lot. My bf and i barely have anything in common but the fact that we both had big ego and were oversensitive. So we fought to become bf.

There s a quote sth like everyone is gonna end up hurting you, just find the person who s worth suffering for. Then she s that person of mine, and im hers.

She held on me when i gave up. She stayed wheno i chased her away. She looked for me when i ran off. And when we both gave up, somehow we found our way back to each other. We always joke around that maybe the reason its hard for both of us to find the second soulmate, if that exists, is that we ve both already found one. Cheesy greasy cheesy greasy.

Everyone goes through failed relationship everyday. Some people must have underestimate the power of time. It may be bc of the right and wrong doing. Whose fault this time and who jhurts the other next time.
But it doesnt always have to be like that. Bc i ve seen it with my own eyes, that serenity and time added up can fill the cracks.
And i think no one can understand that better than old married couple.


I lost my train of thoughts.. anyway that s me and my bf 's love theory. In real life she s an ass bc she never replies my text on time. And that she always has to eat her yummy food in front of the webcam while im starving on the other side of the computer screen.

Looking for Alaska.

I just finished the book, which appears like a labyrinth itself.
the ending was too deep and powerful to handle.. and here i am lying in my dark room awestrucked by its whole idea.

The labyrinth of suffering.

4am.

i ordered itttttttttttt :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD but i have to wait :( until it gets here imma go cry some more in my corner...

soooooo amazingggggggggggggggggggggggg~~~~~~~~~~

:(

CRAPPY DAY

People be taking my words like a joke and messing around. Yet i was worrying they might waste time n money. Fine no need to pay attention to my words anymore, bc i aint give a care anymore. I think i ve reached my limit of unneccessary arguments. They can do whatever the heck they want.

Fucking DVD. Now i ll have to wait 3 weeks for it. This whole thing is so unhealthy i got wrinkles and frowns all over my forehead

It is true that one should not speak while theyre angry... *looking at my angry blog and pissed off all over again. Its freaking 9am and my parents, who lost all their common sense and manners to their children, decided to wake everyone up with their lovely voices, because it is such a hard challenge to close the fucking bedroom door or to talk in the private room. It must always be the open living room to make sure everyone can hear them. And shamelessly order their children around later. How do you fuck with someone's sleep then ask them to do stuffs for you after? does anyone in this household know their manners anymore? What the fuck. If you just think for yourself and dont care about others around you then go to a jungle and live with monkeys or some shit. This is why noone in this family respects each other. Grandma cant you just take me w you? Or like do sth. Please do something to my parents to knock them back to their rightselves. Like can you just appear once in a while at night with a ghostly pale angry face and scare the crap out of them while pointing at me so they would never ever dare to poke me again.

OMG 4:30 AM IN THE MORNING I HAVENT FINISHED MY DRAMA AND I HAVENT SLEPT NEITHER

Anxiety.

Woke up to the sound of my neighbor's children playing swings in the backyard.
So cheerful and carefree, their laugh.


I ve been dreaming again. Long, blurry, tangled dreams... It nevers go away completely does it?

The forgotten.

I ve been running away for too long that I lost my way back.

Now i think i understand a bit why some people cut. People who selfharm arent like people anymore. I dont mean theyre sick or just different... They re like another "kind"... That kind of  "difference". And to think that the physical pain may ease the emotional pain a little bit for a few second, when the razer shoves in... It s not that they dont let others help them, they just cant hear very well, or they hear nothing at all. Because theyre not our kind, they cant hear our words. All they hear is the voices inside their heads. And thoughts can scar deeper than anything. Maybe all they can hear is just their own voices screaming every second for help. And since we re not their kind, we dont understand their silent screams either.



I never want to fall back to depression again.
I didnt know how i got there. I didnt know what was happening. I didnt know how i got out. It was like going through an invisible tsunami. I didnt see it but i could feel it every second. The only thing i was awared of was that something changed in me, the kind of change that is unable to described but can only be experienced.

I ve read somewhere that a human heart goes through seasons, like trees shredding leaves in winter or after the storm. Eventually in time, the trees are harshly bended, more and more branches leave. But while nature grows back with new skins and leaves, that of the heart never grows back.

너무 피곤해. 난 아무도 없어, 내 마음을 아라주는 사람 아무도 없어.
크리스토 멍청이, 힘내서?

another rare peaceful dazzling morning C:

Such a tiring day.

I finally had a rare peaceful morning. Knitting and enjoying my Infinite on the big screen TV, till the parents came home from osu and everything turned into a battlefield and like always, ended up with tears and screams and curses. 
How many times do we have to go through all this again and again till they realize they re destroying us all?...
My head hurts so much.
Out of all the things i ve been through my whole life, no such damage can be compared to what my parents have brought us.

Standing on

It's been exactly 1 year... Deja vu...

Wow i ve never realized this till a few sec ago... Now that i think about it, at 2 total different places and for total different reasons, this day last year we were both bawling our eyes out, crying at the top of our lungs. And i didnt even know your existance!! But then i met... And now... !! ... *moment of recognition*..............

OMG I cant tidbhichdisjtbsodbrksjciebdif ><

This fate is so interesting... And it makes everything so much better omg im so bipolar hahahaha *emo mode failed