Monday, October 29, 2012
Good morning new week C: !
So much to do this week eekkkk ><
Busy busy bee!
Tummy please stop hurting γ γ
I am sooo goddamn late γ γ but i dont want to get off my warm comfy hed γ γ
Can i go see arena tour please γ γ γ γ γ γ γ
μΈνΌλνΈ νμ΄ν !!! λͺ μ νμ΄ν !!!~~
KRYSTAL HWAITINGG~~ AJA !
>γ ^___________^γ <
Busy busy bee!
Tummy please stop hurting γ γ
I am sooo goddamn late γ γ but i dont want to get off my warm comfy hed γ γ
Can i go see arena tour please γ γ γ γ γ γ γ
μΈνΌλνΈ νμ΄ν !!! λͺ μ νμ΄ν !!!~~
KRYSTAL HWAITINGG~~ AJA !
>γ ^___________^γ <
I called Meo happy birthday tonight. I had a pretty unpleasant day but the call made me happy. I think people should talk more often and text less. We talked about being 21, how crazy where we ve come to so far. We talked about guys, girls, gay, crushes, sex, birth control, parties, drunk minds and heart talks, trust and cheat, babies, married, divorce. We talked about all the crazy shits we used to talk about, like the old days. We realized how things have changed. Back then we didnt have to worry about whom to trust. Everyone played their cards open. Now they call us adults and suddenly everything changes. I never think being 21 is much different from being some sort of age. I think We re kids with lessons learned. And happiness changes people. And pain changes people. And thats pretty much it.
Have you ever had those moment when you just force close your eyes and convince yourself in a second that you were back to those teenage years? My teenage life kind of suck. But it was also amazing. they say high school isnt the place to find your husband or your forever love, its where to find your bridemaids. I guess i found mine :)
Nostalgia.
Back then we called ourselves TQVD, and the meaning of that name, only we know γ γ γ
Tammie was like my emotional side. Meo was like my wild side. Vinhan was like my inner fantasy side. when i was with them i felt complete. sometimes i think thats still who i am right now, emotional, crazy, dreamer.. Okay dreamers makes me feel a bit nauseous lol lets stick with fangirl hahaha.
When i was little i wrote some letters to the adult me that i have no idea where they are now. it was 12 years ago i think. jesus christ 12 years. wow.. :)
Im turning 21 very soon. I dont consider myself an adult. bc i never like titles. I like pp with deep thoughts, kind hearts, modest and matture way of thinking and behaviors. Anyone like that earns my respect. This post is like a drunk post i have NO idea whats going on okay goodnight bye.
And happy birthday. Lobe u.
Back then we called ourselves TQVD, and the meaning of that name, only we know γ γ γ
Tammie was like my emotional side. Meo was like my wild side. Vinhan was like my inner fantasy side. when i was with them i felt complete. sometimes i think thats still who i am right now, emotional, crazy, dreamer.. Okay dreamers makes me feel a bit nauseous lol lets stick with fangirl hahaha.
When i was little i wrote some letters to the adult me that i have no idea where they are now. it was 12 years ago i think. jesus christ 12 years. wow.. :)
Im turning 21 very soon. I dont consider myself an adult. bc i never like titles. I like pp with deep thoughts, kind hearts, modest and matture way of thinking and behaviors. Anyone like that earns my respect. This post is like a drunk post i have NO idea whats going on okay goodnight bye.
And happy birthday. Lobe u.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
As much as i hate myself for not study a thing the whole day, i spent 4 hrs straight reading Perks of Being a Wallflower, and im still very much in shock cause of the twist in the ending... I ll probably write more bout the book tmr. Im exhausted now.
I didnt have enough sleep yesterday, like 4hrs or so. I woke up early for volunteer. Finally got my official badge done this morning, which didnt turned out so bad.
These days i find myself having problems with self-esteem and emotion again. And there might be various reasons im not sure. It might be the fact that a hs friend of mine officially to be the first of us to get married, or that my other friend is pregnant w her first born, or that everyone else seems happy where they are except me, or that i have friends who keep bringing up questions randomly like "when r you getting yourself a guy" "everyone s settling down" and stuffs like that... Peer pressure it is. Even though i wouldnt do anything out of my way just to have pp think that i can fit in, peer pressure did puzzled me a lot.
I know very well that it s not true, that those are more like the pressure i put on myself.
The freaky part is that im not just that. It doesnt stop there. Im not this emotionally-unstable girl all the damn time. Lots of other times i dont give a care about anything. And i really mean it, as if im so sure that i ll go to sleep tonight and never wake up again tmr. I dont feel a thing, like somebody numbs my sense. Other times im delightful and passionate. some other times im honestly at peace with my life.
Its like my body is on a constant battle with itself. I dont know what parts of me are true, or im none of them, or im all of them. I feel like im living 2 selves at once.
I dont even make sense right now.
I dont wanna go back there again. feeling so bad for the girl i see in the mirror.
----
Lets just stop this kind of talk here.
I went to work today doing absolutely nothing but watching shows.
I dont think i have anorexia physically, but mentally im not so sure. This whole eating work out thinspo thing r freaking me out.
I wanna go to places where i can see stars. I wanna build a tent and fall asleep inside.
I didnt have enough sleep yesterday, like 4hrs or so. I woke up early for volunteer. Finally got my official badge done this morning, which didnt turned out so bad.
These days i find myself having problems with self-esteem and emotion again. And there might be various reasons im not sure. It might be the fact that a hs friend of mine officially to be the first of us to get married, or that my other friend is pregnant w her first born, or that everyone else seems happy where they are except me, or that i have friends who keep bringing up questions randomly like "when r you getting yourself a guy" "everyone s settling down" and stuffs like that... Peer pressure it is. Even though i wouldnt do anything out of my way just to have pp think that i can fit in, peer pressure did puzzled me a lot.
I know very well that it s not true, that those are more like the pressure i put on myself.
The freaky part is that im not just that. It doesnt stop there. Im not this emotionally-unstable girl all the damn time. Lots of other times i dont give a care about anything. And i really mean it, as if im so sure that i ll go to sleep tonight and never wake up again tmr. I dont feel a thing, like somebody numbs my sense. Other times im delightful and passionate. some other times im honestly at peace with my life.
Its like my body is on a constant battle with itself. I dont know what parts of me are true, or im none of them, or im all of them. I feel like im living 2 selves at once.
I dont even make sense right now.
I dont wanna go back there again. feeling so bad for the girl i see in the mirror.
----
Lets just stop this kind of talk here.
I went to work today doing absolutely nothing but watching shows.
I dont think i have anorexia physically, but mentally im not so sure. This whole eating work out thinspo thing r freaking me out.
I wanna go to places where i can see stars. I wanna build a tent and fall asleep inside.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
the silly things i do
i tore up when i saw you cried.
i thought i was so over this. i didnt expect myself to be this way. in those moments my heart felt so young again. my heart felt as whole as it ever was. and it's all thank to you.
cry as much as you want.. and cry where i can see you..
i thought i was so over this. i didnt expect myself to be this way. in those moments my heart felt so young again. my heart felt as whole as it ever was. and it's all thank to you.
cry as much as you want.. and cry where i can see you..
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Update.
Its been almost a month since i got back to school. Longest yet quickest month ever. Classes r okay. I was being productive for the first 3 weeks and now laziness is catching up. These days feel weird... as if all my strength is sucked out of me. I ve been kind of emo. I feel like my life is kind of tasteless. But at the same time i still enjoy much everyday. Maybe bc this is my forth year that i sometimes feel like missing out. Sometimes i thought it would be nice to have someone special to laze around with, or just to take a rest next to each other in solid silence. Too bad myungpoop is out of reach, and my man with his broken gps is too busy working. Aren't we perfect together? you and your long time dead gps. Me and my blind as heck eyesight. Tsk tsk.
Moving on.
Im so tired today. I say im tired everyday out of habit, even though im not that tired. but today im real tired physically and mentally. i checked out this abs workout class yesterday and i cant even walk right today. I had this weird form of walking the whole day. took me 5 times as long to move from 1 place to another. :( its even so hard to get up or sit down.
wentto roxy to catch up with some friends earlier. Its been a while since we last dined out. it was very enjoyable. Im addicted to their sausage gravy!
i even lost interested in editting pictures and playing piano. this is not me... Or maybe this is me... at my downside.
It would be nice sometimes to have someone pick you up when youfall. Carry you on their back and sing you a song or tell you a bedtime story. . when i was talking to a friend of mine late at night awhile back, he told me a bedtime story that his dad used to told him when he was little. It was random and unexpected story. i liked it. My mind was calm and my heart was at rest. It felt nice to have sth out of my daily routines. I like the lil things.
My head hurts. My whole body is hot.
My hippo is staring at me all smiley.
I wish i had more blood flow... My circulation is so weak i freeze up every winter.
Im craving for greentea muffin. Gotta get some tmr.
Its 11 and i have hw undone.
Today should be my last day of procrastination.
aja!
I havent caught up with ANY of infinite activities lately im so depressed! Theyre one of the rare things that keep me motivated.
I promised myself im not hitting the mall till i get butt. Sad* i want new pants.
I ve switched to twitter more recently, since blogger is .. kind of too formal for random diary posts.
I have skiped church for almost 2 months?
there was this one hot guy in my microbio lab but he didnt show up anymore...
i ve just found out im highly attracted to guys that play piano well... Or those who own pets.. Lol not sure if its the guy or the pet that im attracted too..
okay..that was pretty lengthy. I should get off my bed and wash off my make up and maybe eat sth.. Or do hw..
Moving on.
Im so tired today. I say im tired everyday out of habit, even though im not that tired. but today im real tired physically and mentally. i checked out this abs workout class yesterday and i cant even walk right today. I had this weird form of walking the whole day. took me 5 times as long to move from 1 place to another. :( its even so hard to get up or sit down.
wentto roxy to catch up with some friends earlier. Its been a while since we last dined out. it was very enjoyable. Im addicted to their sausage gravy!
i even lost interested in editting pictures and playing piano. this is not me... Or maybe this is me... at my downside.
It would be nice sometimes to have someone pick you up when youfall. Carry you on their back and sing you a song or tell you a bedtime story. . when i was talking to a friend of mine late at night awhile back, he told me a bedtime story that his dad used to told him when he was little. It was random and unexpected story. i liked it. My mind was calm and my heart was at rest. It felt nice to have sth out of my daily routines. I like the lil things.
My head hurts. My whole body is hot.
My hippo is staring at me all smiley.
I wish i had more blood flow... My circulation is so weak i freeze up every winter.
Im craving for greentea muffin. Gotta get some tmr.
Its 11 and i have hw undone.
Today should be my last day of procrastination.
aja!
I havent caught up with ANY of infinite activities lately im so depressed! Theyre one of the rare things that keep me motivated.
I promised myself im not hitting the mall till i get butt. Sad* i want new pants.
I ve switched to twitter more recently, since blogger is .. kind of too formal for random diary posts.
I have skiped church for almost 2 months?
there was this one hot guy in my microbio lab but he didnt show up anymore...
i ve just found out im highly attracted to guys that play piano well... Or those who own pets.. Lol not sure if its the guy or the pet that im attracted too..
okay..that was pretty lengthy. I should get off my bed and wash off my make up and maybe eat sth.. Or do hw..
Monday, October 22, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Just thoughts
Im a slow healer. It may take me a year or two to let go of sth i have to. But when i say i let go i mean it. There are times when sth reminds me of the past, i recall old memories once in a while, who doesnt? But i know those memories obediently stay in the past, and that they wont find a way to creep in my present.
Like a old habit. Like going back to the old apartment. It must feel nice and secured knowing what is where, if the AC works, how much to turn the bathtub knob so the water wont get too hot or too cold, how fast the oven heats up, which door makes creepy noise at night, the softness of your bed, that warm smell on your pillow... Moving to a new place must be exciting yet tiring. You look around over all and sign the paper. Packing is tiring. Carrying the luggages is tiring. Unloading is tiring. Re-organizing everything is tiring. Then you start to get used to the new place. This door is so light, unlike my door at my old apartment. This floor is cold, unlike my old carpet. This room feels weird i cant sleep... Dont we all do that unconsciously? Comparing... Bc everyone wants to have the best choice. everyone wants sth that s worth investing in. Bc there s always sth to compare to...
Im afraid of people who don't know their boundary between the past and the present. I struggle to find where i stand in their lives. Its hard bc they dont surely know the answer either. Sometimes Im important bc im the one standing next to them at the moment. Sometimes im not bc they ve sunk deep into their past. They confuse themselves and people around them. Sometimes they hurt themselves and people around them, unintentionally? yes. maybe. .
I dont know what to do with these people. Idk if i should blame on them or hate them, maybe i should, since theyre silly to make things more complicating to themselves, and they drag me in. But then i feel sorry for them... youre just as confused as i am. youre as hurt as i am. i cant really hate you... i dont want to. should i back off and walk away? maybe. But then i feel for myself.
i sometimes think relationships r like apartments. You compromise and settle down. After awhile you move to a new place bc some situations come up, and you hope the new place is at least not worse than the old place. Some other times youre forced to move out. you lay in the new strange room thinking of how comfy and familiar it could have been if you were back.
one day you find a house you love and buy it, or maybe you re told to settle down. eventually you call it home. You lay in your bedroom at home recalling those times living in apartments. Being home must be nicer bc you can claim its yours. Or maybe being home is just tiring bc there r a lot more to take care of.
...
its hard to be at two places at once. When parts of you keep coming back, the rest of you here isnt a whole anymore. Like an apartment with no door. No one wants to live in an apt with no door.
People who don't know their boundary between the past and the present.
They go back and forth silently in their hearts and minds, without anyone knowing.
Like a old habit. Like going back to the old apartment. It must feel nice and secured knowing what is where, if the AC works, how much to turn the bathtub knob so the water wont get too hot or too cold, how fast the oven heats up, which door makes creepy noise at night, the softness of your bed, that warm smell on your pillow... Moving to a new place must be exciting yet tiring. You look around over all and sign the paper. Packing is tiring. Carrying the luggages is tiring. Unloading is tiring. Re-organizing everything is tiring. Then you start to get used to the new place. This door is so light, unlike my door at my old apartment. This floor is cold, unlike my old carpet. This room feels weird i cant sleep... Dont we all do that unconsciously? Comparing... Bc everyone wants to have the best choice. everyone wants sth that s worth investing in. Bc there s always sth to compare to...
Im afraid of people who don't know their boundary between the past and the present. I struggle to find where i stand in their lives. Its hard bc they dont surely know the answer either. Sometimes Im important bc im the one standing next to them at the moment. Sometimes im not bc they ve sunk deep into their past. They confuse themselves and people around them. Sometimes they hurt themselves and people around them, unintentionally? yes. maybe. .
I dont know what to do with these people. Idk if i should blame on them or hate them, maybe i should, since theyre silly to make things more complicating to themselves, and they drag me in. But then i feel sorry for them... youre just as confused as i am. youre as hurt as i am. i cant really hate you... i dont want to. should i back off and walk away? maybe. But then i feel for myself.
i sometimes think relationships r like apartments. You compromise and settle down. After awhile you move to a new place bc some situations come up, and you hope the new place is at least not worse than the old place. Some other times youre forced to move out. you lay in the new strange room thinking of how comfy and familiar it could have been if you were back.
one day you find a house you love and buy it, or maybe you re told to settle down. eventually you call it home. You lay in your bedroom at home recalling those times living in apartments. Being home must be nicer bc you can claim its yours. Or maybe being home is just tiring bc there r a lot more to take care of.
...
its hard to be at two places at once. When parts of you keep coming back, the rest of you here isnt a whole anymore. Like an apartment with no door. No one wants to live in an apt with no door.
People who don't know their boundary between the past and the present.
They go back and forth silently in their hearts and minds, without anyone knowing.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
"Memories are nice, but that's all they are." - Rikku
Im afraid of people who dont know the boundary between their past and present..
Monday, October 8, 2012
Late night studying.
yes i should be studying right now T_T ... not here blogging
my headache is killing me. my sinus hurts so bad... to the point that i wish i dont have a head... hahaha silly.
autumn is finally here. my head always hurts when seasons change. but autumn color is the best! *im not gonna talk talking about how im gonna grab take my camera and run around portland to take fall pictures bc it looks like i never will ...*
i ve been feeling sick these 2 weeks.
flu season.
food-craving season.
late night max season.
emo season.
...
2012 is coming to the end. i ve started to ask myself what i ve done this year.
...
...
these few days i ve been a bit self-conscious about my height... i should wear heels more often.. then there's my tall friend patting my head T_T and said "it's okay it's okay you cute little midget T_T my mom 's like half size of my dad it's okay" :DDDDD ........... T_T
if only i was a few inches taller :<
*whatever*
...
cant i be taller ...
slow jam for tonight: Infinite - With...
The first time i heard the song, i sounded kind of sad. But now i has this familiar, sweet, heartwarming feeling. i like the lyric a lot too :)
... it just feel so familiar..nostalgically. :)
and btw,
... i was happy, but i didnt really realize being able to meet you and seeing you make everything so much better :)
you're so hard working, youre my motivation and inspiration. i dont care if others say im silly. and i dont care if things will change. as of today, i know it's real :)
it's always the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times in my life :)
μ¬λμ
*Finally, I am sitting across from you, talking about things that only we understand.
I’ll be better, I’ll say it more, I’ll love you more.
We walked here together, we cried together.
You’re the only one that I could never forget.
I will never be alone with you.
Like an oldtime habit, I look for you first
and you are always there.Good days and bad days will come.
Though I get weak sometimes and go to you
Will you understand me without a word?
ν¨κ» κ±Έμ΄μκ³ κ°μ΄ μΈμμμ§
μ’μ λ μ΄ μ€κ³ νλ λ μ΄ μλ
κ°λ λ μ½ν΄μ§ λλ λλ₯Ό μ°Ύμ μλ
μλ¬΄λ° λ§ μμ΄ λ μ΄ν΄ν΄ μ€λ?
with you... :)
my headache is killing me. my sinus hurts so bad... to the point that i wish i dont have a head... hahaha silly.
autumn is finally here. my head always hurts when seasons change. but autumn color is the best! *im not gonna talk talking about how im gonna grab take my camera and run around portland to take fall pictures bc it looks like i never will ...*
i ve been feeling sick these 2 weeks.
flu season.
food-craving season.
late night max season.
emo season.
...
2012 is coming to the end. i ve started to ask myself what i ve done this year.
...
...
these few days i ve been a bit self-conscious about my height... i should wear heels more often.. then there's my tall friend patting my head T_T and said "it's okay it's okay you cute little midget T_T my mom 's like half size of my dad it's okay" :DDDDD ........... T_T
if only i was a few inches taller :<
*whatever*
...
cant i be taller ...
slow jam for tonight: Infinite - With...
The first time i heard the song, i sounded kind of sad. But now i has this familiar, sweet, heartwarming feeling. i like the lyric a lot too :)
... it just feel so familiar..nostalgically. :)
and btw,
... i was happy, but i didnt really realize being able to meet you and seeing you make everything so much better :)
you're so hard working, youre my motivation and inspiration. i dont care if others say im silly. and i dont care if things will change. as of today, i know it's real :)
it's always the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times in my life :)
μ¬λμ
*Finally, I am sitting across from you, talking about things that only we understand.
I’ll be better, I’ll say it more, I’ll love you more.
We walked here together, we cried together.
You’re the only one that I could never forget.
I will never be alone with you.
Like an oldtime habit, I look for you first
and you are always there.Good days and bad days will come.
Though I get weak sometimes and go to you
Will you understand me without a word?
ν¨κ» κ±Έμ΄μκ³ κ°μ΄ μΈμμμ§
μ’μ λ μ΄ μ€κ³ νλ λ μ΄ μλ
κ°λ λ μ½ν΄μ§ λλ λλ₯Ό μ°Ύμ μλ
μλ¬΄λ° λ§ μμ΄ λ μ΄ν΄ν΄ μ€λ?
with you... :)
Saturday, October 6, 2012
blogger staffs need to move that "delete" button far far far away from the "edit" button, especially when im using my tiny tiny ipod to write. omfg. why does it happen all the time. where the f is my post? in the trashcan! where did i leave my eyes at? geez *frustrated* Statistically, out of all my "no longer avai" posts, 10% was deleted by me, intentionally, and 90% was deleted also by me but it's bc im blind as f
Monday, October 1, 2012
sometimes i wonder when someone says my name, what comes across their mind?
i wonder what kind of impact i 've left on someone's life
or there's none at all
sometimes i wish i've left some good memories to someone, or that i wish they remember sth good... idk... anything... my intention, how i made them laugh, how i spent a lil extra time on them bc i knew they needed it, how i sat with them in silence...
i wish they remember it more than they remember the bad memories i left, that i couldnt do sth they needed, that i couldnt be someone they wanted.
i wonder what kind of impact i 've left on someone's life
or there's none at all
sometimes i wish i've left some good memories to someone, or that i wish they remember sth good... idk... anything... my intention, how i made them laugh, how i spent a lil extra time on them bc i knew they needed it, how i sat with them in silence...
i wish they remember it more than they remember the bad memories i left, that i couldnt do sth they needed, that i couldnt be someone they wanted.