Im a slow healer. It may take me a year or two to let go of sth i have to. But when i say i let go i mean it. There are times when sth reminds me of the past, i recall old memories once in a while, who doesnt? But i know those memories obediently stay in the past, and that they wont find a way to creep in my present.
Like a old habit. Like going back to the old apartment. It must feel nice and secured knowing what is where, if the AC works, how much to turn the bathtub knob so the water wont get too hot or too cold, how fast the oven heats up, which door makes creepy noise at night, the softness of your bed, that warm smell on your pillow... Moving to a new place must be exciting yet tiring. You look around over all and sign the paper. Packing is tiring. Carrying the luggages is tiring. Unloading is tiring. Re-organizing everything is tiring. Then you start to get used to the new place. This door is so light, unlike my door at my old apartment. This floor is cold, unlike my old carpet. This room feels weird i cant sleep... Dont we all do that unconsciously? Comparing... Bc everyone wants to have the best choice. everyone wants sth that s worth investing in. Bc there s always sth to compare to...
Im afraid of people who don't know their boundary between the past and the present. I struggle to find where i stand in their lives. Its hard bc they dont surely know the answer either. Sometimes Im important bc im the one standing next to them at the moment. Sometimes im not bc they ve sunk deep into their past. They confuse themselves and people around them. Sometimes they hurt themselves and people around them, unintentionally? yes. maybe. .
I dont know what to do with these people. Idk if i should blame on them or hate them, maybe i should, since theyre silly to make things more complicating to themselves, and they drag me in. But then i feel sorry for them... youre just as confused as i am. youre as hurt as i am. i cant really hate you... i dont want to. should i back off and walk away? maybe. But then i feel for myself.
i sometimes think relationships r like apartments. You compromise and settle down. After awhile you move to a new place bc some situations come up, and you hope the new place is at least not worse than the old place. Some other times youre forced to move out. you lay in the new strange room thinking of how comfy and familiar it could have been if you were back.
one day you find a house you love and buy it, or maybe you re told to settle down. eventually you call it home. You lay in your bedroom at home recalling those times living in apartments. Being home must be nicer bc you can claim its yours. Or maybe being home is just tiring bc there r a lot more to take care of.
...
its hard to be at two places at once. When parts of you keep coming back, the rest of you here isnt a whole anymore. Like an apartment with no door. No one wants to live in an apt with no door.
People who don't know their boundary between the past and the present.
They go back and forth silently in their hearts and minds, without anyone knowing.
