As much as i hate myself for not study a thing the whole day, i spent 4 hrs straight reading Perks of Being a Wallflower, and im still very much in shock cause of the twist in the ending... I ll probably write more bout the book tmr. Im exhausted now.
I didnt have enough sleep yesterday, like 4hrs or so. I woke up early for volunteer. Finally got my official badge done this morning, which didnt turned out so bad.
These days i find myself having problems with self-esteem and emotion again. And there might be various reasons im not sure. It might be the fact that a hs friend of mine officially to be the first of us to get married, or that my other friend is pregnant w her first born, or that everyone else seems happy where they are except me, or that i have friends who keep bringing up questions randomly like "when r you getting yourself a guy" "everyone s settling down" and stuffs like that... Peer pressure it is. Even though i wouldnt do anything out of my way just to have pp think that i can fit in, peer pressure did puzzled me a lot.
I know very well that it s not true, that those are more like the pressure i put on myself.
The freaky part is that im not just that. It doesnt stop there. Im not this emotionally-unstable girl all the damn time. Lots of other times i dont give a care about anything. And i really mean it, as if im so sure that i ll go to sleep tonight and never wake up again tmr. I dont feel a thing, like somebody numbs my sense. Other times im delightful and passionate. some other times im honestly at peace with my life.
Its like my body is on a constant battle with itself. I dont know what parts of me are true, or im none of them, or im all of them. I feel like im living 2 selves at once.
I dont even make sense right now.
I dont wanna go back there again. feeling so bad for the girl i see in the mirror.
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Lets just stop this kind of talk here.
I went to work today doing absolutely nothing but watching shows.
I dont think i have anorexia physically, but mentally im not so sure. This whole eating work out thinspo thing r freaking me out.
I wanna go to places where i can see stars. I wanna build a tent and fall asleep inside.
