You told me friends don't leave each other, only lovers do. I don't think it's quite true. You have friends you've drifted away from, don't you? I have some too. People come and go all the time. We shouldn't put feelings on a scale, or under labels. It doesn't make it hurt any less. Feeling is just feeling. Love is just love. We don't know what a person's heart may feel. Sometimes what we see is what they choose to show us. Don't take people for granted.

I didnt realize it till now, that i do have one secret. 

To those nights.

"To those thoughts, the ones that you, when you are drunk, keep to yourself, or within your car, or within your texts."

Sometimes i really think i may end up alone and die alone.

Im so used to being alone to the point i have doubted if i deserve to be with anyone. 

But lately things start to make sense a tiny bit. I met someone who proved me that im capable to love, that i can reach out to touch someone's heart, and maybe, if im lucky, their souls. The people i ve met, the lessons i ve learned... they all start to fall into places, very, very slowly...

There are definitely greater things waiting ahead.

...

Lately i ve gotten very tired of the dark cloud in my head. I let my feeling get ahead of me. Its been a long long war. 

...

In the end, its family i run back to. What am i gonna do if... 

Ignorance is bliss?

...

"How do you let go of something so thorougy woven through your soul?"

...

"Treat the world as if nothing is in your possession." -

Eventually, I become more and more afraid of losing what's never been mine...
I wish I could have done sth about it already...
Everyday I tell myself I'm going to see the end of it one day...
Everyday I learn to let go...

Ngủ ko ngon... Ngủ chập chờn.. Mơ linh tinh.. Sáng dậy trong lúc nửa tỉnh nửa mơ tim vừa nặng vừa mệt... Đập bùm bụp... Dạo này đâm ra yếu tim... Sao càng lớn mình càng lo âu nhiều ta ...

"... to think of whats holding you together."

Omma dậy bò xuống giường vươn vai, thấy con gái nằm chèo queo 1 đống, cười hí hí 

"sao con dậy r hả?" 

"con ngủ ko yên.. Mệt tim..."

lại cười hí hí

"Eh? Hnay có vụ này nữa hả? Giống cô Hồng m r hả?"

*tung tăng ra khỏi phòng*

...

Tammie txt... 2 con early birds cùng mệt tim ...

sleepless nights

My mother s playing Winter Sonata OST right now. Too much feels it hurts my  stomach. 

These days i ve felt like im walking around blindfolded, bumping into many stuffs, covering my ears from too much noise, yet still afraid to take the blindfold off to find it all empty around me.  

Whose fault is it... 

Youre not the only one who's suffering.

I am, too.





Someone lies to me once, the rest of his words becomes my questions.







If i can have a choice... nostalgia is still better than regrets... i rather make lots and lots of good memories than nothing at all.








I laughed a lot yesterday, spent time hiking with a few friends. The scenery was gorgeous. The friends were dear. We sat on the windy hill looking out to the ocean bay. There s always something about the ocean that draws into me, how generous and persistent it seems.

If we make the best memory of today, noltagia ll chill me to the bone one day. If we make no memory at all, regrets ll hit me hard one day. Either way it ll hurt. Is it better to make the best memory or make no memory at all?

In the end, it's family we run back to.

Because as we get older, we live fast.

Sometimes we go through life so fast we miss the time spent holding on to each other's hand.

I ve been feeling unease lately. I have splitting headache frequently, and my tummy is upset i cant eat normally without feel nauseous. To make it worse, there r thousands strings pulling my stomach and it sucks. You know that feeling when you think of sth unpleasant and it just knocks you in the stomach. 

I spent the evening snuggled up to my mother's laps just to get some warmth. I love skinship... esp when im feeling low...  

I asked my mother if friendship is such a periodic thing. 

"Do you have a bestfriend or a closefriend?"

She quickly replied with a name. I recognize the woman. I last saw her when i was five. My mother must havent seen her friend in years. 

"Do you talk to her often?"

"No."

I told my mother my feels, how ceci got married and i wondered if she catched up with friends often, how sentimental i am, friendship of the young adults, marriage and family, priority shifts... 

"You guys are still dreamers", she said, "You still idealize things. Once you settle down, you ll spend all energy for your family."

I guess she's mostly right.

"Mom dont we all go through phases in order to grow up...? Thats what we should do?... When im at your age i ll probably look at my kids and think the same thing you said. But just because sth doesnt last forever doesnt mean it wasnt meaningful while it did last.. It doesnt mean it wasnt inportant, does it...? Sometimes im having such a hard time sorting out my relationships with people.. I didnt have much faith in people or friendship in general. The wonderful yet scary thing about a person's heart is that it can change, no matter what. I guarded myself like a top secret. The older i get the more i realize i need focus on myself... But sometimes i place my happiness on such unpredictable things like friendship and love. And i find myself running back to family when things get tough. Its where i were once a child. Children follows their hearts so easily... Adults are held back by constant pain and dissappointment..

I dont want to be selfish... 

My head hurts and my heart is so heavy at times. I think a lot bc im afraid of being unprepared. The advantage of thinking a lot is that eventually you have to force yourself to learn how not to let your thoughts negatively control your action and your life. My thoughts are in a separated world of their owns. I learn not to complicate things... But still... I guess one of the hardest lesson i ll ever learn is to let go and take a step back when time comes. 

...

"Mom are you happy?"

She always says yes. The person who laughs less than i do and often looks tired, always replies with a yes. I think her secret is that she trusts herself no matter what others do... 

I hear your voice.

_{"If I disappear… I’d like it if you never knew, and instead thought that I was living well somewhere, studying hard, hanging out with friends, dreaming of becoming a police officer. I’d like you to believe that I was living well that way. If I disappear… I’d like it if you didn’t cry. I’d like you to be happy. And once in a while… just once in a while… I’d like you to remember me."}

<sub>"I think she still thinks a day will come when our time ends, it doesn’t matter if she thinks that way. Even if that end comes, I will find her again and when we start over, we will be happy again."



"Even after 10 years passed, I recognized you. Even after I losed my memory and erased you, I loved you again. Even if another 10 years pass, if I lose my memory again, I’m going to find you and love you again."</sub>

I must have hated getting wet so much... :(

..that sometimes i walk around with an umbrella over my head

... waiting for it to rain..

:(

“Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”
- Jon Krakauer. Into The Wild.

The birds r singing

Im lying on nina s bed

Its 4:09 am

Why r they singing

My eyes r so wet

I dont 

Know

If im crying for its bc of the makeup remover

The birds just stopped singing

The clock is ticking patiently

Someone's phone is vibrating

They re singing again. 

I like sleeping nxt to someone

Im not sure if i put too much eyedrops

or tears that keep falling

“She waited for the train to pass. Then she said, “I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.”

- Haruki Murakami.

I had a dream last night where everything was alright. But things can never be alright for long, arent they? I got lost in the rain. Everyone was filming a movie around me but they couldnt hear me. Ryan Higa was there, Harry and Hermione were there. Harry was mad bc Hermione ignored him for her actor partner. My package was soaked. My grandma said everyone left her alone at home so she bought herself a galaxy S but she gave it to me as a gift. At that point i knew i was dreaming. I could feel sth grabbing my heart so tightly it hurt... I should go visit her today... Then the filming crew moved to a pretty vintage house. I think i was Ryan Higa in my dream.. Ryan left the house noticing some dogs being chained in a corner. He later on realized the house was surround with crazy wolves so he started running back. Ryan being chased by many wolves. But since i was him in my dream, i was the one being chased. I ran for life and i could barely breathe.
Then i woke up with my heart pounding so hard it gave me a chill.
And i got this terrifying empty feeling i once had 2 summers ago...  I almost forgot how it felt... that lavender smell...
I turned in bed and snuggled close to my mom. Her tummy was warm and i felt an instant relief. But it couldnt last for too long before thoughts started rushing through my head. I struggled back to sleep and woke up again. Mom has left for work. The quiet morning i beg for every other day is now terrifying me. My left chest is aching. My tummy is aching. My heart is still pounding so hard i almost thought i could hear the sound it makes.

Why do i always have dreams of being chased and attacked...
I miss miru around. If only she were here, everything would be a bit better.
Nội ơi con xin lỗi. Con sai rồi. Con xấu.

My life doesn't make sense.

I am 22 year olds. 

When you were my age... how were you...?

"I want the fairy tale."

Blurred... 

"To those nights..."

Sometimes I wonder what is going on in someone's mind when theyre drunk. What are they keeping to themselves? What are they screaming out so loud but no one can hear? What is in those unsent texts?...

When it rains, I often lay in my car listening to the sounds of falling raindrops, soothing, comforting, ...

Persistent...

Its raining. I love the rain. I had a bit too much to drink.

Grandma can you hear my prayer?...

My heart is so heavy.

This version is perfection. His voice just pulls at my heartstring.

My biggest fear is my parents leaving me while i have yet to offered them all i could. I want to give them the world.

Everyday i feel like im living two lives at once. One second im just an original kid, easily amused, easily happy. I find joy at the simplest thing. click. Im now this sad person i dont even understand, and im not sure if i want to. I dont think sad is the right word.
I told myself I wasnt suicidal, or at least I didnt think I was. I admit I've had thoughts about it. Now and then while I was driving on the freeway bridge, I thought to myself "what would i be if i braked" "would everything stop?" It would be nice if everything could stop. I dont know if people sometimes think the way i do... Doesnt everyone want to end their lives at some points in their lives? ... Or maybe it's just me. Still, they were simply just thoughts. I just didnt have any will to live, even when I knew i had all reasons to. I think that's my problem. I was just so numb to everything. That feeling comes back once in awhile. But recently it comes back too often. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way to stretch out all my thoughts and feeling, would i be submitted into mental hospital?
I really think being happy is a choice. It's all in the mind isnt it.... But I'm not happy. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not happy with my surroundings. More than anything I'm not happy with myself. But at the same time I am happy. I'm happy listening to my old westlife tracks. I'm happy to see my cat. I'm happy snuggling in my blanket with my mom. I'm happy when i see a sunflower...

I'm a full box of paradox.

When i was little i wanted to grow up to be happy. Now that i'm 21, i'm neither grown or happy.

I realized "people change" doesnt necessarily mean that they're no longer the ones we used to know. Maybe they just change back into their old selves, the ones we've never known of. And who they were as we've known them for was just simply another mask they put on in order to get something from you, even when it was with caring and good intention. Maybe people change because what they need from you also change.
If i put it in a negative way, it simply means that "you cant give me what i want/ i dont need it from you anymore, so... whatever." with a meaningless sorry.
Some days i really think no one is honestly being nice to you without a purpose, whatever it is, good or bad, when they cant get it from you they ll change their methods.

Every decision i make is a wrong one.

There are days i'm good and kind.
There are days i'm thoughtless, rude, indifferent, and isolated, and a mess.
And every decision i make is a wrong one.

... so i drove home and curled up on the couch feeling like crying more than ever.

Day 7: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Sagittarius -

기다려.

"ㄱ...가지마..."

"가! 가라고 이 바보야.."


"기다려. 나 다시 올께."




"... 많이 기다렸습니다.보고싶었습니다."

Just our nights...

"Should I be patient, or should I make chances?"...

"After a painful love, I thought I understood the world... Why did I pretend like I knew everything?..." - Wang
"Your hands are always cold like this." -


I felt like writing a lot tonight, now no right word comes out.
My parents had a huge fight again earlier. They smashed my brother's room door and it hit my piano badly. I haven't checked on the piano, but i supposed the door would fell out very soon. I think it's my first time seeing their fight this bad, physically. They usually just hit or throw small stuffs. My heart stopped for a second. I was startled and, like always, i burst out in tears. Then I covered my mouth and rushed back to my room so they wouldnt hear me. I didnt know what to do... I missed them after a long finals week staying at my friend's place at school, and 3 days camping. Now i'm back just to watch their same old drama.
I felt so sorry for my mom. She satisfied so much and tried really hard to make my sick dad comfortable. But he took her for granted. I also felt so bad for my dad. He's married someone who got too frustrated over years that she's prepared to fight everytime. Is my house a battle ground and my parents are warriors... Then i felt bad for my brother, who's always quiet and does his own things alone. I bet he has a different world somewhere else with his friends, the world he never wants his family to come close. I guess that's what happens after many confusing teenage years watching his parents fighting again and again.
Then i felt bad for myself. I felt like i haven't done well enough to make this family a better place to stay.
I guess that's one of the reason why i always feel so sad deep down and blame my myself all the time. I spent years expecting too much of myself yet done so little.
During finals week i felt like depression hit me again. It's that same feeling, the feeling of having no feeling at all. lifeless, clueless, terribly lost, aimlessly drifting here and there. I was on the phone with Tammy, and for a second i recalled that feeling during that time. Within a second, it was so hard to breath, like air was sucked out off my lungs and blood was drawn out from my body. I snapped back to reality and gasped for air in the dark room. Do i sound really dramatic... People who's gone through depression know it's much worse than any word can tell...

I want to spend a long time on my own to find my balance again... it worked last time it should work this time...
but i dont know anymore
why am i so afraid all the time...
im so afraid all the time...

Just got back from camping this afternoon. It was funnnnnn i like it a lotttt :D. I met new friends, learnt more bout camping, walked and drew on the sand, breathed the ocean air, saw the skyline and sunset. The nicest thing was that i could take all the heavy thoughts and feelings off my mind for awhile and lived as if i could really be happy even though headaches were around..
Gotta sleep now.. Add more tmr

Sometimes I wonder how things would turn out if i could just go easy on everything and do what everyone else is doing. Still i cant seem to figure out one solid reason to initiate things i have none interest in.


I dont think i miss you at all... but the memories of you...
if that makes any sense...

This, too, shall pass?...

"What are you supposed to do with all the love you have for somebody if that person is no longer there? What happens to all that leftover love? Do you suppress it? Do you ignore it? Are you supposed to give it to someone else?"
— Maggie O’Farrell, After You’d Gone



There is this thing I hold dear to my heart, yet it's so.. so far from the reach of my hand...
Is this deja vu all over again?
But this time, a little clearer, a little wiser,
Is it true
that ignorance is bliss
that happiness in intelligent people are the rarest thing

Children are afraid of imaginary objects that adults dont, yet so courageous of the real things we're afraid to touch, the things we always find excuses not to try out.
My professor once explained why time seems to pass by much faster as we grow old. When we were kids, growing up was like an adventure. There are so much knowledge and concepts to explore, and the process of learning new things day by day makes time appear longer, and fascinating. As we grow, the more we know about the world, the less surprising and fun life becomes. In order to stay young at mind, always learn something new everyday. And if growing up is an adventure, growing old is, now, like a habit of repeated routines.

And I wonder if that's what I've spent all these years trying to achieve, to grow old with the heart of a child.

"Some people die at twenty-five and aren't buried till they're seventy-five"

- Benjamin Franklin

"Some people are old at eighteen and some are young at ninety. Time is a concept human created."

- Yoko Ono

"I dreamed a thousand new path. I woke and walked my old one."

- Chinese proverb

"Sometimes it seems to me that that’s all my life has been, a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have."

— Amanda Hocking, Ascend

"I turned to one side and played a soft song on the phone hoping it would distract and sooth my mind.

Personally, i think the hardest part after a break up is that it was the last thing on my mind before i fell asleep and the first thing i remembered when i was just barely awake. Its like my body knew it stucked in some kind of a neverending circle, and everytime i woke up was another round, another same round... I slept a lot. Someday i wished i didn't wake up. I thought sleep was the safe zone, the time-out break, but it wasn't. Sleep was when reality failed and dreams took over. Those dreams haunted me. I hate dreaming.
Every early morning, when the world was most quiet, when i could hear my mind the loudest, consciousness was my own enemy."

...



This midterm week needs to be over asap. I'm barely on the edge of pulling myself together.

Im sleeping with my mom tonight.. I feel sick in the stomach. These days i ve been feeling so weak and tired all day, moody, stressed out of upcoming exams, stuffs... And above all i feel so unease at heart.

Its so cold in her room...
I miss my dog... Today my friend said sth about adopted dogs and cats that reminded me of my dog. Those were harmless words. But her words were very sad, at least to me they were. And tears spilled out before i realized, and i missed my dog... Back then when we had to give her away, i had a thought of her ending up in some poor adoption shelter. That happened very often... She was old. She was a very normal breed, the type people wouldnt notice... I heard she was doing fine though, that she gave birth a few times. My grandma took her home from the next door neighbor when i was in 2nd grade, summer 1997 or 1998 i think...

Its true that you can forget the doings but you can never forget the feelings. But there r certain memories i dont allow myself to touch... I got exhausted from the nostalgia, regrets and tears. Sometimes i think of those first few years after i moved to the states and a big part of me shut off. 5 years arent long at all. And even now i could barely see myself visible...

All this sickness and studying really drains me out..

I feel like throwing up

Its like when you re with your best friend you have all the confidence in the world to be yourself but when youre with someone you like you re always self-conscious bout whatever youre saying and doing :(

Day 6: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

Since i dont find much interesting things about myself, i ll just write 30 random facts...

1. Everyone who knows me believes that im a kpop freak, but piano/instrument is still my most favorite type of music, because there s no word.
2. I have a list of things to do before i die and the first one is to see a sky lantern festival.
3. Cute socks make me happy.
4. My dream wedding location is in the middle of a cherry blossom park.
5. Myungsoo
6. My current most favorite song is Wind Crest The 3 Trails from FF X-2
7. I like books and quotes. I like Haruki Murakami's style of writing.
8. Sometimes i drank so that i could cry. But tears didnt come out and i felt like crying so bad. I used to cry a lot as a kid and teenager. I cry easily.

4am
I decided not to know anymore. I should care less. It's not my business. It shouldn't be my business. I did all i could. I can't please everyone. When it ends, it ends, even if that means that i'll have to be by myself again.

...

What a night...

"Sadness touches everyone, even the ones who shouldn't feel sad at all..."
"There's so much pain, and sadness, and emptiness, it never stops..."
Some nights I just feel so lost inside of myself.

"What is she best at?"

"running away."

Sometimes i wonder if he and i ever stand in the same memory..
And if that ever happened, i wish he remembered the good things i had done instead of the fool i was.. Like i have always tried to remember his kind wounded heart instead of all things that were wrong.

Other pp play piano as if their fingers are streams flowing softly. Why do i play piano like im forcing myself to poop ??????

Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life.

Like right now, my headache is killing me...
Jk.
I've never felt like ending my own life. I think i was close, but not to that point yet. I think i wasnt born to end my life half way. I rather finish what i start. There were multiple times i forgot how to feel, or times i felt like a dead person living.. And everything was dead black. But there s more to life than just the pain, isnt it?... No matter how original my life is, im meant to make sth out of it.. right...?
And to imagine someone ending their own life is beyond my imagination. Some say pp die not bc theyre sad but bc they need to stop the pain somehow. Some say pp die bc they want to feel again. I would like to hear what they really think, i want to listen for a long long time, even though im not sure that would help me understand anything.
The mind can be such a terrible place.




“In a sense, I’m the one who ruined me: I did it myself.”
— Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

I love my camera very much. I also love myungsoo very much. I love the fact that myungsoo loves his camera very much. I think i love myungsoo a lil bit more than my camera.

Happy Snake Year~~~~~ :DDDD

Snakes are so cool I like snakeee~~~

Rose.

"An 87 Year Old College Student Named Rose

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me
with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?”

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze.
“Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked.
She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…”
“No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.We became instant friends. Every day for the
next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine”
as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and
she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was
introduced and stepped up to the podium.

As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell
you what I know.”

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, “We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop
playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day.

You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing
older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.

If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.
Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those
with regrets.”

She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.”

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died
peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s
never too late to be all you can possibly be .When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they’ll really enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS
OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give."

-

"What is she like?"
...
"The ocean... It's never ending, is it? No matter how long you stare at the ocean, it doesn't seem to be enough, like there's always something out there that's beyond what you can see or feel, like every wave is never the same wave and as they come closer and closer, they tie onto your gaze and draw you back. If I could I would try to hold the ocean. Sometimes Im frustrated because I can't seem to wrap my arms around her."

Late night study jam.

Lately I've been back to my obsession with Final Fantasy piano collection. 1:47-2:17 is my fav part. the first time i listened to this piano piece i thought it was beautiful and my mind started wandering back on the whole game scene. but starting at 1:47 i could immediately recall the part when Tidus looked down at his arms as crystal neon blue waves started running through his body, and then he told Yuna he had to go back T_T, that he couldnt take her to Zanarkand with him.. *SOBS* T_T. Words can not describe how incredible and inspiring and beautiful Nobuo Uematsu's compositions are >_<. I might die of happiness and overwhelming if i could attend one of his live concert one day. d(￣ ￣)

Day 4: Your view on religion.

I believe in karma.
I believe someone's watching over you.
I believe in the law of the universe.



“Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.” - Robert Louis Stevenson.

Day 3: Your view on drug and alcohol.

I dont like excessive alcohol. it doesnt even taste good. I dont know how people pick up something that tastes bad to be a social symbol. Why didnt they choose sth like sushi .. The only thing i like about drinking is that it makes me feel a bit more carefree when im tipsy. But when people overdo it and turn into idiots, it gets boring. Whats so great about a person who lose control and consciousness of what he/she s doing and throw up all over him/herself...
My dad used to say stuffs like if you step into the real world, make business and socialize with pp, you need to drink bc everyone does. Peer pressure..? but they drink so much for gods sake... now he s gradually come into an age period where he finally realizes what drinking and smoking have done to him all these years...
im not really the types who would bother to say that alcohol is bad for you bc you may get cancer this and that. i understand clearly, all those chemical reactions and consequences happening in your body the second the first shot goes down your throat. maybe im just a science nerd... but there really are such knowledge that is hard to ignore when you already know it...

thats my personal view on alcohol, and that is as far as im concerned. people can drink whatever and till whenever they want for all i care. i just hope they stay in their rooms and not causing any trouble for others.

on the other hand, i like weed. i like the smell of raw weed leaves. i did it for awhile, moderately. I think all kinds of smoke is not good for the lungs.


i have no knowledge on drugs. never tried nor i ever want to. ive not been very healthy since birth so i have had to take lots of med ever since i was little. i think i have enough of those stuffs in my bloodstream already so i dont have any interest in drugs, no...

What does it feel like being a guy and having girls think that youre attractive?
...
Its been awhile since i last drank alcohol. I went home and climbed on the back of my mom s car and lied there breathing in as much fresh air as i could, with music blasting from my headphone. It felt really nice. It sounds lonely tho. I didnt feel lonely, even though i could have. I felt great, nostalgic, but great, carefree, comfortable in my own skin, as if time stopped for a few minutes and everything else disappeared. There were only me and the cold winter air, maybe some stars, foggy night sky...
If one day i become rich, i may get myself a convertible so once in awhile, I ll sneak out at night and drive to wherever that doesnt have lots of street lights and snuggle up in the backseat with my husband.........ky in a huge blanket, chilling out and looking at stars.

I need to sleep now.

Give you time.

Sometimes I feel like my life doesn't make sense.

자세히 보아야
예쁘다
오래 보아야
사랑스럽다
너도 그렇다.
- [풀꽃 / 나태주]


"It’s only pretty if you take a look at it closely.
You have to look at it for a long time, to realize that it’s lovely.
You, too… are like that."
- 고남순 - 학규2013




I think this poem is beautiful. It's even more meaningful if you actually watch the drama and understand the situation.

I should of write more. I had too many things in my head and too much feels but so little time to put them in some sorts of words.
Without knowing, the first month of 2013 is rushing by. Time has such little patience.

I was foolish. Im still a fool.

Hello Again.

It snowed today :)
I went to troudale this morning and it snowed a lil bit after i got off the car. But after awhile i looked out the door and it was snowing a lot! The falling snowflakes were so pretty.

I was very happy.
I dreamed of grandma the night before, then it snowed the day after. I knew she could hear me.

I am very hungry right now...


------


It s 2013 now. Wow.. just wow...
a year passed by in a blink of the eyes.
2012 was a very meaningful year.. I overcame depression and social anxiety. It was terrible. Such life changing experience. I forgave. I let go. I feared. I reminisced on friendships and knew who my true friends are. I got in touch with my inner self.. even though i think im still a bit lost.. I found a balance. I had faith, even with shaking legs and hands. I MET MYUNGSOO IN FEBRUARY AND INFINITE IN APRIL!!!!!!!!ARGHGGGGG ... I got to try taking photos.. Sth i ve always been really into since i was little. I said hello. I said goodbye. I saw the world from above. I got closer with some people. I drifted away from some people. I had my patience. I learned the reasons behind things that came to my life. I got my license. I bought my first music band dvd and cd lol. There are so much more but i cant list them all. I hope i ve grown a lil bit.

I spent the yearend snuggled up in my mom's comfy bed and rewatching our fav classic drama winter sonata. My dad was drunk and fought with my mom so i didnt want her to be upset or alone on new year eve so i stayed home. since I didnt go count down with people, i felt a bit lonely so my friend and i decided to count down on skype, but we, instead, spent the very first minutes of 2013 complaining about our life hahaha great start... Jk. To be honest have many things that upset me tonight, i guess im really sensitive and its not helping at all. But having a company is always nice. I should count my blessings instead of thinking about troublesome stuffs. I hope this year i can care less. The less i care the happier i ll be. I still have many things to say but im sleepy. So goodnight :) and hello 2013!

Myungsoo ah jalja~~ Infinite jalja~