I dont know why i just had the sudden urge to be home on new year eve. Well..actually i think i ve wanted to be home every new year eve. idk like when i start a new year i want to be alone, no distraction. My mom ll probably make food if i stay... Or not.. They ll probably be fighting or saying random shit all night and ignore me like always.. But i dont care i just feel like snuggling up on my bed, listen to music or watch a good movie, or be on the phone, and sleep.
Sometimes i do think its not good that i dont try to socialize and meet new pp and all that.. just sometimes...
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Yumemiru.
I had a long dream of my grandma. She beat cancer and still living in vn and my fam came back to visit. We were doing daily things that we used to do. Our house and every detail still looked exactly the same. i planed to come back every break to visit her. Idc how much it would cost. And i planed to study for the citizenship test so maybe we could get her to the state too. But it was time to go to back. But i didnt want to go back. I wanted to stay ... Then i woke up. My heart hurts.
その顔
そった触れて
朝に溶ける
夢見る.
"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you... That's where I'll be waiting" -
その顔
そった触れて
朝に溶ける
夢見る.
"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you... That's where I'll be waiting" -
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Asleep and awake.
The best trust is proven with time, without anyone's knowing.
The perfect trust,
Those moments, when you're emotionally and physically so close to someone, when every movement they make, every word are so sweet and so dear, when you see yourself slowly, slowly giving them all your trust. The kind of trust when you heart and mind finally stop going against each other, no double thought, no subconscious back up plans in the back of your mind. You hear a whisper "okay this is complete". Its perfection overwhelms you.
Sometimes it lasts.
Sometimes the feeling wears off.
Other times, it breaks.
Those are the perfect, worst type of trust.
And sometimes we underestimate the damage we cause, by breaking someone's trust. We destroy the relationship they have with us. We destroy the relationship they have with themselves. We harm the relationships they have in the future.
I had a long dream.. i wish they stop. My head cant take it..
The perfect trust,
Those moments, when you're emotionally and physically so close to someone, when every movement they make, every word are so sweet and so dear, when you see yourself slowly, slowly giving them all your trust. The kind of trust when you heart and mind finally stop going against each other, no double thought, no subconscious back up plans in the back of your mind. You hear a whisper "okay this is complete". Its perfection overwhelms you.
Sometimes it lasts.
Sometimes the feeling wears off.
Other times, it breaks.
Those are the perfect, worst type of trust.
And sometimes we underestimate the damage we cause, by breaking someone's trust. We destroy the relationship they have with us. We destroy the relationship they have with themselves. We harm the relationships they have in the future.
I had a long dream.. i wish they stop. My head cant take it..
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Im feeling low these days. There s really no specific reason.. or is there.. I tried to occupy myself with things, but at the end of the day i still feel a little empty.
I made up reasons to blame my mood on. At first i said its bc most of my girl friends are all busy brainstorming about presents for their bf and the bfs' families. Secret santa and white elephants and stuffs, while I dont really have to buy any present. This is probably the first xmas i dont even bother to think of buying presents. My own fam doesnt even mind. Im just so numb to every xmas activities this years. And my best friend s been whining about not having a bf to share xmas with every time we talk. But honestly i couldnt hang on to that reason for too long cause im actually glad i dont have to go thru all that troubles while my finance is bad atm.
So i told myself im feeling low bc i ve been lazy to work out and my fat is showing. Its kind of true.. I seriously think i have an eating disorder psychologically... I ll go in details some other times..
There were many more things in my poor head awhile ago but i now lost my train of thoughts bc my tummy is growling.
Goodnight.
I made up reasons to blame my mood on. At first i said its bc most of my girl friends are all busy brainstorming about presents for their bf and the bfs' families. Secret santa and white elephants and stuffs, while I dont really have to buy any present. This is probably the first xmas i dont even bother to think of buying presents. My own fam doesnt even mind. Im just so numb to every xmas activities this years. And my best friend s been whining about not having a bf to share xmas with every time we talk. But honestly i couldnt hang on to that reason for too long cause im actually glad i dont have to go thru all that troubles while my finance is bad atm.
So i told myself im feeling low bc i ve been lazy to work out and my fat is showing. Its kind of true.. I seriously think i have an eating disorder psychologically... I ll go in details some other times..
There were many more things in my poor head awhile ago but i now lost my train of thoughts bc my tummy is growling.
Goodnight.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
In God we trust.
Im lying in bed, thinking of the family members of the deceased and how they all skip sleep tonight... and probably many more nights. Its hard to describe how at the same time at two different places, two different lives go on. Im here in my warm comfy bed, theyre probably out there grieving on the ground, or on their children' bedroom floor, or on the hospital floor... Who knows.. Arent i glad that im alive?... To some, being alive is simply bliss.
People say pain makes you stronger.
Maybe sometimes it doesnt make you stronger.
Maybe sometimes it just hurts.
I heard lots of pp say stuffs like if God exists, why would he let this happen to the innocent children... Personally i think we shouldnt blame God for the bad things that happen in life.. None of them is done by God but by human. But thank him for all the good things we've received.
God blesses.
Dont loose faith.. In the darkest hours, even when every cell on your body opposes, still grip on to even a thin string of faith.. It will lead you through.
People say pain makes you stronger.
Maybe sometimes it doesnt make you stronger.
Maybe sometimes it just hurts.
I heard lots of pp say stuffs like if God exists, why would he let this happen to the innocent children... Personally i think we shouldnt blame God for the bad things that happen in life.. None of them is done by God but by human. But thank him for all the good things we've received.
God blesses.
Dont loose faith.. In the darkest hours, even when every cell on your body opposes, still grip on to even a thin string of faith.. It will lead you through.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
DAY 2 - Where youd like to be in 10 years
As in location, somewhere bright, warm, green, dry, some rainy days, snows in winter, chilly in spring, somewhere i can see the sky, less noise, quiet .. Etc..
I ve always want to travel to korea and japan, or pretty much everywhere, all the states, Europe, italy, spain, france, denmark-the happiest place in the world, dubai-where locates the tallest building in the world, ... I would love to stay in korea and japan for awhile, just trying to adapt to the life there and explore.
Lastly i want to come back to vietnam too. My bestfriend and i still need to visit mimosa hill where we once were, yelling at the of our lungs lying next to each other and taking all the burdens in the world off our shoulders. Yeah we need to go back one more time. Its been almost 10 years.
10 years sound very .. enormous..
As in position, i wanna be where my parents, brother and family are, my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, and where my close friends are. But it seems to be an unclear future.
I want to have a job i enjoy doing. If i can learn lots of money it ll be great. I want to take my parents to travel around. Get my dad a great camera, a boat and a badminton court (lol the court is a bit too much). Go hiking with my mom and we ll be sitting on the top of the mountain looking at a beautiful sight in warm sunlight. I wanna take my mom to korea and japan with me too. She can try fishcakes on the street. I wanna go to Taiwan or Thailand to see sky lantern festival with her.
...
I just really hope i can sit my parents down one day and tell them i can now take full care of them so they can rest. I just hope they re still around and healthy when im able to do so.
I also want at least 2 dogs. And a big house.
Lasty i want my own happy family :)
The other day i told my friend that i wanted 2 dogs for wedding presents from the guy and she said im easy. Lol maybe. I ve never really looked into wedding routines and stuffs so i dont know specifically what the bride or the bride family wants for the wedding. i ve never felt like i need properties from people, not even my own parents. Before i get married i wanna make sure im rich haha. House, vacations, furnitures, housewares, i can afford them on my own. There r things i cant do by myself. there will be time when i need a shoulder, someone who isnt going to give up, someone s willing to give me their time.. 50 years?.. Is 50 years too much for ask for?.. I just think time is the most uncertain thing in the world. Its sth we prove as we walk down the road, not sth to promise.. Some people say love is the most uncertain thing. I dont agree. I dont think you can unlove someone. Lost love is still love, in another form. I dont know what love really is, but i know lots of things that look like love, but they arent. I think we live in a culture where we dont love each other, but we re afraid to be alone, or we re afraid to see them with someone else. So we call it love and stick with each other. Of course that doesnt mean for all, but yeah..
Im off topic again.
I think people underestimate the power they have to make themselves happy. There r boundaries theyre afraid to cross and routines theyre afraid to be left out of, because of the age or self image or whatever.
In 10 years i wanna see myself happy :)
I ve always want to travel to korea and japan, or pretty much everywhere, all the states, Europe, italy, spain, france, denmark-the happiest place in the world, dubai-where locates the tallest building in the world, ... I would love to stay in korea and japan for awhile, just trying to adapt to the life there and explore.
Lastly i want to come back to vietnam too. My bestfriend and i still need to visit mimosa hill where we once were, yelling at the of our lungs lying next to each other and taking all the burdens in the world off our shoulders. Yeah we need to go back one more time. Its been almost 10 years.
10 years sound very .. enormous..
As in position, i wanna be where my parents, brother and family are, my grandparents, my uncles and aunts, and where my close friends are. But it seems to be an unclear future.
I want to have a job i enjoy doing. If i can learn lots of money it ll be great. I want to take my parents to travel around. Get my dad a great camera, a boat and a badminton court (lol the court is a bit too much). Go hiking with my mom and we ll be sitting on the top of the mountain looking at a beautiful sight in warm sunlight. I wanna take my mom to korea and japan with me too. She can try fishcakes on the street. I wanna go to Taiwan or Thailand to see sky lantern festival with her.
...
I just really hope i can sit my parents down one day and tell them i can now take full care of them so they can rest. I just hope they re still around and healthy when im able to do so.
I also want at least 2 dogs. And a big house.
Lasty i want my own happy family :)
The other day i told my friend that i wanted 2 dogs for wedding presents from the guy and she said im easy. Lol maybe. I ve never really looked into wedding routines and stuffs so i dont know specifically what the bride or the bride family wants for the wedding. i ve never felt like i need properties from people, not even my own parents. Before i get married i wanna make sure im rich haha. House, vacations, furnitures, housewares, i can afford them on my own. There r things i cant do by myself. there will be time when i need a shoulder, someone who isnt going to give up, someone s willing to give me their time.. 50 years?.. Is 50 years too much for ask for?.. I just think time is the most uncertain thing in the world. Its sth we prove as we walk down the road, not sth to promise.. Some people say love is the most uncertain thing. I dont agree. I dont think you can unlove someone. Lost love is still love, in another form. I dont know what love really is, but i know lots of things that look like love, but they arent. I think we live in a culture where we dont love each other, but we re afraid to be alone, or we re afraid to see them with someone else. So we call it love and stick with each other. Of course that doesnt mean for all, but yeah..
Im off topic again.
I think people underestimate the power they have to make themselves happy. There r boundaries theyre afraid to cross and routines theyre afraid to be left out of, because of the age or self image or whatever.
In 10 years i wanna see myself happy :)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
30 DAY CHALLENGE
Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favourite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.
---------------
Day 1 -
I have no mood today so i ll keep it short.
Single and failing to mingle.
Muahaha.
Ive been single most of my life so im very comfortable being single. I admit there r times when im surrounded by couples and i feel a bit awkward. Or when my pillow pet is in the washing machine and i need someone to cuddle with..
Now im all busy with school and personal life so it kinda distracts me from the thought of everyone is in a relationship but me. I think the issue with me is that im not easily attracted to people. like i dont like people, not in that way. I look at people like im looking as seashells. Im like the passive type, i just let time do its job of revealing what s inside the shell little by little.
I once liked a guy, sth about him reminded me of my dad. I guess that was why I always felt familiar with him. But i was silly. I learnt so much from it.
At times i feel like i see lots of things that others miss, or maybe they dont want to accept it. Some other time i feel like i see nothing at all. I think it would be great if you can meet someone who has the same mind as yours, same sorts of thoughts, ..
Im off topic, but anyways, single life is good.
Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.
Day 15 - Your favourite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 - Your beliefs.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 - Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 - Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.
---------------
Day 1 -
I have no mood today so i ll keep it short.
Single and failing to mingle.
Muahaha.
Ive been single most of my life so im very comfortable being single. I admit there r times when im surrounded by couples and i feel a bit awkward. Or when my pillow pet is in the washing machine and i need someone to cuddle with..
Now im all busy with school and personal life so it kinda distracts me from the thought of everyone is in a relationship but me. I think the issue with me is that im not easily attracted to people. like i dont like people, not in that way. I look at people like im looking as seashells. Im like the passive type, i just let time do its job of revealing what s inside the shell little by little.
I once liked a guy, sth about him reminded me of my dad. I guess that was why I always felt familiar with him. But i was silly. I learnt so much from it.
At times i feel like i see lots of things that others miss, or maybe they dont want to accept it. Some other time i feel like i see nothing at all. I think it would be great if you can meet someone who has the same mind as yours, same sorts of thoughts, ..
Im off topic, but anyways, single life is good.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
60 seconds [acoustic version] - Sunggyu.
"사랑에 빠지는 데 걸린 시간 60초, 그리고 이별하는 데 걸린 시간 60초" -
"60 seconds is all it takes to fall in love, and 60 seconds is all it takes to say goodbye." -
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I havent writen for a few days. I wanted to write sth but everytime i found myself staring at the blank page putting feelings into words and forcing words to come out.
Its getting really cold lately. I just barely recovered from a cold. And bc of the cold last week i left really lifeless, but my friends were really nice they took care of me and comforted me. I appreciated very much. But they fed me too much -_- since im almost alright now i may start working out again this week. its just too cold.
These last few days i had lots of fun. Finally had some spare time to dine out and catch up with friends. (Im lying i have tons of craps to do i just pretent i had time). i also caught up with TA and ceci. Bought some new clothes. Cleaned my room a bit etc..
Everyone is planning for their grad and it scares me. Im way behind... I switched to volunteer at pharmacy dept and it made me realize how much i dont want to remember all the med brand names... I dont even know what do to now. I guess i ll figure it out somehow..
"If you dont know where youre going, any road will take you there." -
A friend of mine was drunk the other day and she talked to me bout our friendship and i felt a lil bit awkward but insas glad she could let it out of her head. Even though i dont have much faith or expectation in friendship anymore, i do feel thankful and appreciate that she still wanna be my friend. I dont know how long it ll last this time but i ll just enjoy it while it lasts and i wont have any regret later. I dont really express my feels to people. I hope they can see it through what i do for them.
... Its just that im often the person everyone replaces once they find sth better... So yeah .. Idk.
While i was stocking meds on the shelf, i realized my life is too short not to buy things i love and travel to new places. So i have a full shopping cart im bout to order, and im planning to go to klamath fall after finals. I usually like travelling by myself. Im not sure why. Maybe bc i like to think and relax in my own world. When i travel with other people i have my guard up so i cant really let my thoughts get lost in space. It doesnt mean i dont trust my friends or anything. I just have a very distinct world of my own. But traveling w friends are great too cuz you can share the moments w others pp.
My friend is getting a kitten tomorrow. Im so excited. Idk how she s gonna name it but when im alone with the kid imma call it Haru. Means spring. Haru ah~ :D eonni is very excited to meet you! Eonni s gonna call you Haru and its a secret okie?
I was also thinking of Domo, Mochi, Maru, Miru, ...Myunggie haha, but no, andwae == no Myunggie, ... Sunny- son of Sun hahaha, mochi is really cute tho. My counselor has a dog named cookie. My dog was Mino.
Its 3am and i cant sleep...
Its getting really cold lately. I just barely recovered from a cold. And bc of the cold last week i left really lifeless, but my friends were really nice they took care of me and comforted me. I appreciated very much. But they fed me too much -_- since im almost alright now i may start working out again this week. its just too cold.
These last few days i had lots of fun. Finally had some spare time to dine out and catch up with friends. (Im lying i have tons of craps to do i just pretent i had time). i also caught up with TA and ceci. Bought some new clothes. Cleaned my room a bit etc..
Everyone is planning for their grad and it scares me. Im way behind... I switched to volunteer at pharmacy dept and it made me realize how much i dont want to remember all the med brand names... I dont even know what do to now. I guess i ll figure it out somehow..
"If you dont know where youre going, any road will take you there." -
A friend of mine was drunk the other day and she talked to me bout our friendship and i felt a lil bit awkward but insas glad she could let it out of her head. Even though i dont have much faith or expectation in friendship anymore, i do feel thankful and appreciate that she still wanna be my friend. I dont know how long it ll last this time but i ll just enjoy it while it lasts and i wont have any regret later. I dont really express my feels to people. I hope they can see it through what i do for them.
... Its just that im often the person everyone replaces once they find sth better... So yeah .. Idk.
While i was stocking meds on the shelf, i realized my life is too short not to buy things i love and travel to new places. So i have a full shopping cart im bout to order, and im planning to go to klamath fall after finals. I usually like travelling by myself. Im not sure why. Maybe bc i like to think and relax in my own world. When i travel with other people i have my guard up so i cant really let my thoughts get lost in space. It doesnt mean i dont trust my friends or anything. I just have a very distinct world of my own. But traveling w friends are great too cuz you can share the moments w others pp.
My friend is getting a kitten tomorrow. Im so excited. Idk how she s gonna name it but when im alone with the kid imma call it Haru. Means spring. Haru ah~ :D eonni is very excited to meet you! Eonni s gonna call you Haru and its a secret okie?
I was also thinking of Domo, Mochi, Maru, Miru, ...Myunggie haha, but no, andwae == no Myunggie, ... Sunny- son of Sun hahaha, mochi is really cute tho. My counselor has a dog named cookie. My dog was Mino.
Its 3am and i cant sleep...
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Uri Myungsoo's drama's OST by Infinite :D this OST makes me so happy MUAHAHAHA the lyric is so relevant lol!! not sure if theyre singing about a guy's crush on his girl, or it sounds much more like a fangirls' crush song lol
jk its not. but it's cute anyway :D
"They say to stop looking because it's not gonna happen anyway
They say that it's a waste of time in my short life
They call me a fool but who cares?
When I look at you, the world stops
When you smile, my heart stops
I can't say anything but my heart grows larger
Everyone tells me to forget you
They say it's all a fantasy,
that it's a lingering attachment,
that it's an obsession
No one knows you
But I'm like this,
I'm like this because it's you,
I'm like this again
Even if everyone says no, I only have you."
~~~~
definitely a fan girl song hahaha
Monday, October 29, 2012
Good morning new week C: !
So much to do this week eekkkk ><
Busy busy bee!
Tummy please stop hurting ㅠㅠ
I am sooo goddamn late ㅠㅠ but i dont want to get off my warm comfy hed ㅠㅠ
Can i go see arena tour please ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
인피니트 화이팅!!! 명수 화이팅!!!~~
KRYSTAL HWAITINGG~~ AJA !
>ㅇ^___________^ㅇ<
Busy busy bee!
Tummy please stop hurting ㅠㅠ
I am sooo goddamn late ㅠㅠ but i dont want to get off my warm comfy hed ㅠㅠ
Can i go see arena tour please ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
인피니트 화이팅!!! 명수 화이팅!!!~~
KRYSTAL HWAITINGG~~ AJA !
>ㅇ^___________^ㅇ<
I called Meo happy birthday tonight. I had a pretty unpleasant day but the call made me happy. I think people should talk more often and text less. We talked about being 21, how crazy where we ve come to so far. We talked about guys, girls, gay, crushes, sex, birth control, parties, drunk minds and heart talks, trust and cheat, babies, married, divorce. We talked about all the crazy shits we used to talk about, like the old days. We realized how things have changed. Back then we didnt have to worry about whom to trust. Everyone played their cards open. Now they call us adults and suddenly everything changes. I never think being 21 is much different from being some sort of age. I think We re kids with lessons learned. And happiness changes people. And pain changes people. And thats pretty much it.
Have you ever had those moment when you just force close your eyes and convince yourself in a second that you were back to those teenage years? My teenage life kind of suck. But it was also amazing. they say high school isnt the place to find your husband or your forever love, its where to find your bridemaids. I guess i found mine :)
Nostalgia.
Back then we called ourselves TQVD, and the meaning of that name, only we know ㅂㅅㅂ
Tammie was like my emotional side. Meo was like my wild side. Vinhan was like my inner fantasy side. when i was with them i felt complete. sometimes i think thats still who i am right now, emotional, crazy, dreamer.. Okay dreamers makes me feel a bit nauseous lol lets stick with fangirl hahaha.
When i was little i wrote some letters to the adult me that i have no idea where they are now. it was 12 years ago i think. jesus christ 12 years. wow.. :)
Im turning 21 very soon. I dont consider myself an adult. bc i never like titles. I like pp with deep thoughts, kind hearts, modest and matture way of thinking and behaviors. Anyone like that earns my respect. This post is like a drunk post i have NO idea whats going on okay goodnight bye.
And happy birthday. Lobe u.
Back then we called ourselves TQVD, and the meaning of that name, only we know ㅂㅅㅂ
Tammie was like my emotional side. Meo was like my wild side. Vinhan was like my inner fantasy side. when i was with them i felt complete. sometimes i think thats still who i am right now, emotional, crazy, dreamer.. Okay dreamers makes me feel a bit nauseous lol lets stick with fangirl hahaha.
When i was little i wrote some letters to the adult me that i have no idea where they are now. it was 12 years ago i think. jesus christ 12 years. wow.. :)
Im turning 21 very soon. I dont consider myself an adult. bc i never like titles. I like pp with deep thoughts, kind hearts, modest and matture way of thinking and behaviors. Anyone like that earns my respect. This post is like a drunk post i have NO idea whats going on okay goodnight bye.
And happy birthday. Lobe u.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
As much as i hate myself for not study a thing the whole day, i spent 4 hrs straight reading Perks of Being a Wallflower, and im still very much in shock cause of the twist in the ending... I ll probably write more bout the book tmr. Im exhausted now.
I didnt have enough sleep yesterday, like 4hrs or so. I woke up early for volunteer. Finally got my official badge done this morning, which didnt turned out so bad.
These days i find myself having problems with self-esteem and emotion again. And there might be various reasons im not sure. It might be the fact that a hs friend of mine officially to be the first of us to get married, or that my other friend is pregnant w her first born, or that everyone else seems happy where they are except me, or that i have friends who keep bringing up questions randomly like "when r you getting yourself a guy" "everyone s settling down" and stuffs like that... Peer pressure it is. Even though i wouldnt do anything out of my way just to have pp think that i can fit in, peer pressure did puzzled me a lot.
I know very well that it s not true, that those are more like the pressure i put on myself.
The freaky part is that im not just that. It doesnt stop there. Im not this emotionally-unstable girl all the damn time. Lots of other times i dont give a care about anything. And i really mean it, as if im so sure that i ll go to sleep tonight and never wake up again tmr. I dont feel a thing, like somebody numbs my sense. Other times im delightful and passionate. some other times im honestly at peace with my life.
Its like my body is on a constant battle with itself. I dont know what parts of me are true, or im none of them, or im all of them. I feel like im living 2 selves at once.
I dont even make sense right now.
I dont wanna go back there again. feeling so bad for the girl i see in the mirror.
----
Lets just stop this kind of talk here.
I went to work today doing absolutely nothing but watching shows.
I dont think i have anorexia physically, but mentally im not so sure. This whole eating work out thinspo thing r freaking me out.
I wanna go to places where i can see stars. I wanna build a tent and fall asleep inside.
I didnt have enough sleep yesterday, like 4hrs or so. I woke up early for volunteer. Finally got my official badge done this morning, which didnt turned out so bad.
These days i find myself having problems with self-esteem and emotion again. And there might be various reasons im not sure. It might be the fact that a hs friend of mine officially to be the first of us to get married, or that my other friend is pregnant w her first born, or that everyone else seems happy where they are except me, or that i have friends who keep bringing up questions randomly like "when r you getting yourself a guy" "everyone s settling down" and stuffs like that... Peer pressure it is. Even though i wouldnt do anything out of my way just to have pp think that i can fit in, peer pressure did puzzled me a lot.
I know very well that it s not true, that those are more like the pressure i put on myself.
The freaky part is that im not just that. It doesnt stop there. Im not this emotionally-unstable girl all the damn time. Lots of other times i dont give a care about anything. And i really mean it, as if im so sure that i ll go to sleep tonight and never wake up again tmr. I dont feel a thing, like somebody numbs my sense. Other times im delightful and passionate. some other times im honestly at peace with my life.
Its like my body is on a constant battle with itself. I dont know what parts of me are true, or im none of them, or im all of them. I feel like im living 2 selves at once.
I dont even make sense right now.
I dont wanna go back there again. feeling so bad for the girl i see in the mirror.
----
Lets just stop this kind of talk here.
I went to work today doing absolutely nothing but watching shows.
I dont think i have anorexia physically, but mentally im not so sure. This whole eating work out thinspo thing r freaking me out.
I wanna go to places where i can see stars. I wanna build a tent and fall asleep inside.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
the silly things i do
i tore up when i saw you cried.
i thought i was so over this. i didnt expect myself to be this way. in those moments my heart felt so young again. my heart felt as whole as it ever was. and it's all thank to you.
cry as much as you want.. and cry where i can see you..
i thought i was so over this. i didnt expect myself to be this way. in those moments my heart felt so young again. my heart felt as whole as it ever was. and it's all thank to you.
cry as much as you want.. and cry where i can see you..
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Update.
Its been almost a month since i got back to school. Longest yet quickest month ever. Classes r okay. I was being productive for the first 3 weeks and now laziness is catching up. These days feel weird... as if all my strength is sucked out of me. I ve been kind of emo. I feel like my life is kind of tasteless. But at the same time i still enjoy much everyday. Maybe bc this is my forth year that i sometimes feel like missing out. Sometimes i thought it would be nice to have someone special to laze around with, or just to take a rest next to each other in solid silence. Too bad myungpoop is out of reach, and my man with his broken gps is too busy working. Aren't we perfect together? you and your long time dead gps. Me and my blind as heck eyesight. Tsk tsk.
Moving on.
Im so tired today. I say im tired everyday out of habit, even though im not that tired. but today im real tired physically and mentally. i checked out this abs workout class yesterday and i cant even walk right today. I had this weird form of walking the whole day. took me 5 times as long to move from 1 place to another. :( its even so hard to get up or sit down.
wentto roxy to catch up with some friends earlier. Its been a while since we last dined out. it was very enjoyable. Im addicted to their sausage gravy!
i even lost interested in editting pictures and playing piano. this is not me... Or maybe this is me... at my downside.
It would be nice sometimes to have someone pick you up when youfall. Carry you on their back and sing you a song or tell you a bedtime story. . when i was talking to a friend of mine late at night awhile back, he told me a bedtime story that his dad used to told him when he was little. It was random and unexpected story. i liked it. My mind was calm and my heart was at rest. It felt nice to have sth out of my daily routines. I like the lil things.
My head hurts. My whole body is hot.
My hippo is staring at me all smiley.
I wish i had more blood flow... My circulation is so weak i freeze up every winter.
Im craving for greentea muffin. Gotta get some tmr.
Its 11 and i have hw undone.
Today should be my last day of procrastination.
aja!
I havent caught up with ANY of infinite activities lately im so depressed! Theyre one of the rare things that keep me motivated.
I promised myself im not hitting the mall till i get butt. Sad* i want new pants.
I ve switched to twitter more recently, since blogger is .. kind of too formal for random diary posts.
I have skiped church for almost 2 months?
there was this one hot guy in my microbio lab but he didnt show up anymore...
i ve just found out im highly attracted to guys that play piano well... Or those who own pets.. Lol not sure if its the guy or the pet that im attracted too..
okay..that was pretty lengthy. I should get off my bed and wash off my make up and maybe eat sth.. Or do hw..
Moving on.
Im so tired today. I say im tired everyday out of habit, even though im not that tired. but today im real tired physically and mentally. i checked out this abs workout class yesterday and i cant even walk right today. I had this weird form of walking the whole day. took me 5 times as long to move from 1 place to another. :( its even so hard to get up or sit down.
wentto roxy to catch up with some friends earlier. Its been a while since we last dined out. it was very enjoyable. Im addicted to their sausage gravy!
i even lost interested in editting pictures and playing piano. this is not me... Or maybe this is me... at my downside.
It would be nice sometimes to have someone pick you up when youfall. Carry you on their back and sing you a song or tell you a bedtime story. . when i was talking to a friend of mine late at night awhile back, he told me a bedtime story that his dad used to told him when he was little. It was random and unexpected story. i liked it. My mind was calm and my heart was at rest. It felt nice to have sth out of my daily routines. I like the lil things.
My head hurts. My whole body is hot.
My hippo is staring at me all smiley.
I wish i had more blood flow... My circulation is so weak i freeze up every winter.
Im craving for greentea muffin. Gotta get some tmr.
Its 11 and i have hw undone.
Today should be my last day of procrastination.
aja!
I havent caught up with ANY of infinite activities lately im so depressed! Theyre one of the rare things that keep me motivated.
I promised myself im not hitting the mall till i get butt. Sad* i want new pants.
I ve switched to twitter more recently, since blogger is .. kind of too formal for random diary posts.
I have skiped church for almost 2 months?
there was this one hot guy in my microbio lab but he didnt show up anymore...
i ve just found out im highly attracted to guys that play piano well... Or those who own pets.. Lol not sure if its the guy or the pet that im attracted too..
okay..that was pretty lengthy. I should get off my bed and wash off my make up and maybe eat sth.. Or do hw..
Monday, October 22, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Just thoughts
Im a slow healer. It may take me a year or two to let go of sth i have to. But when i say i let go i mean it. There are times when sth reminds me of the past, i recall old memories once in a while, who doesnt? But i know those memories obediently stay in the past, and that they wont find a way to creep in my present.
Like a old habit. Like going back to the old apartment. It must feel nice and secured knowing what is where, if the AC works, how much to turn the bathtub knob so the water wont get too hot or too cold, how fast the oven heats up, which door makes creepy noise at night, the softness of your bed, that warm smell on your pillow... Moving to a new place must be exciting yet tiring. You look around over all and sign the paper. Packing is tiring. Carrying the luggages is tiring. Unloading is tiring. Re-organizing everything is tiring. Then you start to get used to the new place. This door is so light, unlike my door at my old apartment. This floor is cold, unlike my old carpet. This room feels weird i cant sleep... Dont we all do that unconsciously? Comparing... Bc everyone wants to have the best choice. everyone wants sth that s worth investing in. Bc there s always sth to compare to...
Im afraid of people who don't know their boundary between the past and the present. I struggle to find where i stand in their lives. Its hard bc they dont surely know the answer either. Sometimes Im important bc im the one standing next to them at the moment. Sometimes im not bc they ve sunk deep into their past. They confuse themselves and people around them. Sometimes they hurt themselves and people around them, unintentionally? yes. maybe. .
I dont know what to do with these people. Idk if i should blame on them or hate them, maybe i should, since theyre silly to make things more complicating to themselves, and they drag me in. But then i feel sorry for them... youre just as confused as i am. youre as hurt as i am. i cant really hate you... i dont want to. should i back off and walk away? maybe. But then i feel for myself.
i sometimes think relationships r like apartments. You compromise and settle down. After awhile you move to a new place bc some situations come up, and you hope the new place is at least not worse than the old place. Some other times youre forced to move out. you lay in the new strange room thinking of how comfy and familiar it could have been if you were back.
one day you find a house you love and buy it, or maybe you re told to settle down. eventually you call it home. You lay in your bedroom at home recalling those times living in apartments. Being home must be nicer bc you can claim its yours. Or maybe being home is just tiring bc there r a lot more to take care of.
...
its hard to be at two places at once. When parts of you keep coming back, the rest of you here isnt a whole anymore. Like an apartment with no door. No one wants to live in an apt with no door.
People who don't know their boundary between the past and the present.
They go back and forth silently in their hearts and minds, without anyone knowing.
Like a old habit. Like going back to the old apartment. It must feel nice and secured knowing what is where, if the AC works, how much to turn the bathtub knob so the water wont get too hot or too cold, how fast the oven heats up, which door makes creepy noise at night, the softness of your bed, that warm smell on your pillow... Moving to a new place must be exciting yet tiring. You look around over all and sign the paper. Packing is tiring. Carrying the luggages is tiring. Unloading is tiring. Re-organizing everything is tiring. Then you start to get used to the new place. This door is so light, unlike my door at my old apartment. This floor is cold, unlike my old carpet. This room feels weird i cant sleep... Dont we all do that unconsciously? Comparing... Bc everyone wants to have the best choice. everyone wants sth that s worth investing in. Bc there s always sth to compare to...
Im afraid of people who don't know their boundary between the past and the present. I struggle to find where i stand in their lives. Its hard bc they dont surely know the answer either. Sometimes Im important bc im the one standing next to them at the moment. Sometimes im not bc they ve sunk deep into their past. They confuse themselves and people around them. Sometimes they hurt themselves and people around them, unintentionally? yes. maybe. .
I dont know what to do with these people. Idk if i should blame on them or hate them, maybe i should, since theyre silly to make things more complicating to themselves, and they drag me in. But then i feel sorry for them... youre just as confused as i am. youre as hurt as i am. i cant really hate you... i dont want to. should i back off and walk away? maybe. But then i feel for myself.
i sometimes think relationships r like apartments. You compromise and settle down. After awhile you move to a new place bc some situations come up, and you hope the new place is at least not worse than the old place. Some other times youre forced to move out. you lay in the new strange room thinking of how comfy and familiar it could have been if you were back.
one day you find a house you love and buy it, or maybe you re told to settle down. eventually you call it home. You lay in your bedroom at home recalling those times living in apartments. Being home must be nicer bc you can claim its yours. Or maybe being home is just tiring bc there r a lot more to take care of.
...
its hard to be at two places at once. When parts of you keep coming back, the rest of you here isnt a whole anymore. Like an apartment with no door. No one wants to live in an apt with no door.
People who don't know their boundary between the past and the present.
They go back and forth silently in their hearts and minds, without anyone knowing.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
"Memories are nice, but that's all they are." - Rikku
Im afraid of people who dont know the boundary between their past and present..
Monday, October 8, 2012
Late night studying.
yes i should be studying right now T_T ... not here blogging
my headache is killing me. my sinus hurts so bad... to the point that i wish i dont have a head... hahaha silly.
autumn is finally here. my head always hurts when seasons change. but autumn color is the best! *im not gonna talk talking about how im gonna grab take my camera and run around portland to take fall pictures bc it looks like i never will ...*
i ve been feeling sick these 2 weeks.
flu season.
food-craving season.
late night max season.
emo season.
...
2012 is coming to the end. i ve started to ask myself what i ve done this year.
...
...
these few days i ve been a bit self-conscious about my height... i should wear heels more often.. then there's my tall friend patting my head T_T and said "it's okay it's okay you cute little midget T_T my mom 's like half size of my dad it's okay" :DDDDD ........... T_T
if only i was a few inches taller :<
*whatever*
...
cant i be taller ...
slow jam for tonight: Infinite - With...
The first time i heard the song, i sounded kind of sad. But now i has this familiar, sweet, heartwarming feeling. i like the lyric a lot too :)
... it just feel so familiar..nostalgically. :)
and btw,
... i was happy, but i didnt really realize being able to meet you and seeing you make everything so much better :)
you're so hard working, youre my motivation and inspiration. i dont care if others say im silly. and i dont care if things will change. as of today, i know it's real :)
it's always the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times in my life :)
사랑은
*Finally, I am sitting across from you, talking about things that only we understand.
I’ll be better, I’ll say it more, I’ll love you more.
We walked here together, we cried together.
You’re the only one that I could never forget.
I will never be alone with you.
Like an oldtime habit, I look for you first
and you are always there.Good days and bad days will come.
Though I get weak sometimes and go to you
Will you understand me without a word?
함께 걸어왔고 같이 울었었지
좋은 날이 오고 힘든 날이 와도
가끔 나 약해질 때도 너를 찾아 와도
아무런 말 없이 날 이해해 줄래?
with you... :)
my headache is killing me. my sinus hurts so bad... to the point that i wish i dont have a head... hahaha silly.
autumn is finally here. my head always hurts when seasons change. but autumn color is the best! *im not gonna talk talking about how im gonna grab take my camera and run around portland to take fall pictures bc it looks like i never will ...*
i ve been feeling sick these 2 weeks.
flu season.
food-craving season.
late night max season.
emo season.
...
2012 is coming to the end. i ve started to ask myself what i ve done this year.
...
...
these few days i ve been a bit self-conscious about my height... i should wear heels more often.. then there's my tall friend patting my head T_T and said "it's okay it's okay you cute little midget T_T my mom 's like half size of my dad it's okay" :DDDDD ........... T_T
if only i was a few inches taller :<
*whatever*
...
cant i be taller ...
slow jam for tonight: Infinite - With...
The first time i heard the song, i sounded kind of sad. But now i has this familiar, sweet, heartwarming feeling. i like the lyric a lot too :)
... it just feel so familiar..nostalgically. :)
and btw,
... i was happy, but i didnt really realize being able to meet you and seeing you make everything so much better :)
you're so hard working, youre my motivation and inspiration. i dont care if others say im silly. and i dont care if things will change. as of today, i know it's real :)
it's always the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times in my life :)
사랑은
*Finally, I am sitting across from you, talking about things that only we understand.
I’ll be better, I’ll say it more, I’ll love you more.
We walked here together, we cried together.
You’re the only one that I could never forget.
I will never be alone with you.
Like an oldtime habit, I look for you first
and you are always there.Good days and bad days will come.
Though I get weak sometimes and go to you
Will you understand me without a word?
함께 걸어왔고 같이 울었었지
좋은 날이 오고 힘든 날이 와도
가끔 나 약해질 때도 너를 찾아 와도
아무런 말 없이 날 이해해 줄래?
with you... :)
Saturday, October 6, 2012
blogger staffs need to move that "delete" button far far far away from the "edit" button, especially when im using my tiny tiny ipod to write. omfg. why does it happen all the time. where the f is my post? in the trashcan! where did i leave my eyes at? geez *frustrated* Statistically, out of all my "no longer avai" posts, 10% was deleted by me, intentionally, and 90% was deleted also by me but it's bc im blind as f
Monday, October 1, 2012
sometimes i wonder when someone says my name, what comes across their mind?
i wonder what kind of impact i 've left on someone's life
or there's none at all
sometimes i wish i've left some good memories to someone, or that i wish they remember sth good... idk... anything... my intention, how i made them laugh, how i spent a lil extra time on them bc i knew they needed it, how i sat with them in silence...
i wish they remember it more than they remember the bad memories i left, that i couldnt do sth they needed, that i couldnt be someone they wanted.
i wonder what kind of impact i 've left on someone's life
or there's none at all
sometimes i wish i've left some good memories to someone, or that i wish they remember sth good... idk... anything... my intention, how i made them laugh, how i spent a lil extra time on them bc i knew they needed it, how i sat with them in silence...
i wish they remember it more than they remember the bad memories i left, that i couldnt do sth they needed, that i couldnt be someone they wanted.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
second day back to school.
im feeling this term :) but still there r plenty of works to do and the memorization part is gonna kill me for sure.
i dropped off the photos to chi Thuy this morning and seems like they like it. im so relieved *sobs*
i still have a lot to learn, esp editing skills.
the area where their house locates is so so nice. it's also close to my grandma's. i should of stop by to visit her while i was there. cant wait till this week's over and hopefully after i get parts of my school works done, i may have a bit of spare time to go around and take pictures.
im so into taking pics these days, not bc i got paid *lol*, but it feels really refreshing and easeful, in my case, doing something that catches your whole interest and concentration. all the problems and burden magically disappear when i *snap snap snap*. my mind goes blank and all that presents is that very moment i try to capture.
editing is tiring, honestly. my whole body sores. but i'll learn from it i guess.
i dropped off the photos to chi Thuy this morning and seems like they like it. im so relieved *sobs*
i still have a lot to learn, esp editing skills.
the area where their house locates is so so nice. it's also close to my grandma's. i should of stop by to visit her while i was there. cant wait till this week's over and hopefully after i get parts of my school works done, i may have a bit of spare time to go around and take pictures.
im so into taking pics these days, not bc i got paid *lol*, but it feels really refreshing and easeful, in my case, doing something that catches your whole interest and concentration. all the problems and burden magically disappear when i *snap snap snap*. my mind goes blank and all that presents is that very moment i try to capture.
editing is tiring, honestly. my whole body sores. but i'll learn from it i guess.
"Your first 10,000 photographs are your worst." - Henri Cartier-Bresson.
Monday, September 24, 2012
off.
he's off.
and even after all this time, i look at him and silently pray to an invisible god that he may be at peace, that he's now healed, and that he's now strong and courageous enough to have faith in himself if he ever falls again.
because those are all the things i couldnt do.
i wasnt able to do it for him
i wasnt able to do it for myself
...
i asked myself once if it was just another bandaid to cover up the wound
but it looked like the wound was slowly healing under that bandaid
then i asked myself again if i should have found that magic bandaid instead of leaving that cut opened
i felt sorry. so much.
i was sorry i couldnt put that many stuffs in one small fragile container.
...
i, too, wanted to be at peace with myself. but i wasnt. it took me months and months, and i'm still not.
i feel scared all the time.
...
and on top of everything, im scared my state will scare people away,
just like how i scared myself away from people...
and even after all this time, i look at him and silently pray to an invisible god that he may be at peace, that he's now healed, and that he's now strong and courageous enough to have faith in himself if he ever falls again.
because those are all the things i couldnt do.
i wasnt able to do it for him
i wasnt able to do it for myself
...
i asked myself once if it was just another bandaid to cover up the wound
but it looked like the wound was slowly healing under that bandaid
then i asked myself again if i should have found that magic bandaid instead of leaving that cut opened
i felt sorry. so much.
i was sorry i couldnt put that many stuffs in one small fragile container.
...
i, too, wanted to be at peace with myself. but i wasnt. it took me months and months, and i'm still not.
i feel scared all the time.
...
and on top of everything, im scared my state will scare people away,
just like how i scared myself away from people...
Saturday, September 22, 2012
9.22.12 - received my first payment for shooting family portrait for a customer :D
It may also be the last one LoL anyway im happy.
... *was*
T_T
it takes a long long time to edit the pics and im so tired. I need a different way to do this editting part man. How can i go through every single pic everytime +_+ there r like 500 of them... (were 1200 pics)... Im still no where near done.
*faint*
School is official one day away. Aigoo.
Đói...
Cái dvd khỉ m chờ t vô học bài vởi ngập đầu đi rồi m hãy tới
Sáng sớm thiếu ngủ quờ quạng hất rớt cái cup xuống chân cái bụp. bùm. bể. bầm. tím. đi cà nhắc.
Số con rệp.
Ai nhắc korean bbq làm t thèm japchae lúc nửa đêm hic.
Hôm nay tui viết tiếng việt.. Random mãn tính.
It may also be the last one LoL anyway im happy.
... *was*
T_T
it takes a long long time to edit the pics and im so tired. I need a different way to do this editting part man. How can i go through every single pic everytime +_+ there r like 500 of them... (were 1200 pics)... Im still no where near done.
*faint*
School is official one day away. Aigoo.
Đói...
Cái dvd khỉ m chờ t vô học bài vởi ngập đầu đi rồi m hãy tới
Sáng sớm thiếu ngủ quờ quạng hất rớt cái cup xuống chân cái bụp. bùm. bể. bầm. tím. đi cà nhắc.
Số con rệp.
Ai nhắc korean bbq làm t thèm japchae lúc nửa đêm hic.
Hôm nay tui viết tiếng việt.. Random mãn tính.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Started with laugh and ended with tears.
I left the house at 9:30am and came back at 7pm. It could have been a good day...
I talked to tammie and we cried our hearts out.
3:30am
Im lying in bed feeling more scared, anxious and lonelier than ever. things went so wrong. Im just so scared to make a move. If only i had some courage... I need courage...
I wonder for how long i can keep going on like this.
Everything around me is so messy.
"Jesus talk the wheel
Take it from my hands cause i cant do this on my own.
Save me from this road im on."
I talked to tammie and we cried our hearts out.
3:30am
Im lying in bed feeling more scared, anxious and lonelier than ever. things went so wrong. Im just so scared to make a move. If only i had some courage... I need courage...
I wonder for how long i can keep going on like this.
Everything around me is so messy.
"Jesus talk the wheel
Take it from my hands cause i cant do this on my own.
Save me from this road im on."
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
how to know when sth has a huge impact on my life
it's when i have a scary dream about it.
...
i hate dreaming. it makes me feel like my mind is never at rest. sometimes im scared of my own mind...
i took a nap earlier and dreamed of going to IKEA. ive been remodeling my room recently so i guess that was why IKEA came up. while at IKEA, i visited my forever favorite pudding on rice store, which is indeed located near PSU in real life. i ve also been craving for pudding recently. turned out that the whole store was then switched into an ice cream store. i saw colorful ice cream everywhere and they looked so so pretty. but i was so disappointed that all my pudding were gone. so i decided to tried all the ice cream looking for my favorite cinamon pudding flavor. but i couldnt find it... bc they were all ice cream :| ...
i walked out of IKEA into an open empty parking lot. the sun was going down. the sky cast a gloomy color on the parking lot. i have a small fear of open empty space and dark places. so i slowly walked around sobbing in lost and in disappointment of no pudding.
then i woke up...
such a failed dream...
but it was scary T_T
all the lameness aside, my parents and i took my brother to OSU this morning. i couldnt help but showed a little jealousy that he can move on but i can't. but at least my mom was being understanding.
these few days im spending most of my time remodeling the room. we bought new furniture and i need to get rid of the stuffs i never touch for years, which take like 70% of my properties :|
anyway there r still lots to be done. im a lil frustrated with my skin condition right now that i have to avoid going out as much as possible. being home isnt boring but i feel kinda lonely having no one to talk to. my bf is back in school and she's not much of a texting person. my other friends have their own fun to enjoy and forget my existence. haha just kidding. but seriously :| *sadly wait for some attention :<*
im a very bipolar person i admit. when no one talks to me, i complain. when they talk to me, im like "so you rmb me now? go away" *ignore text* *derp face*. when i know its no prob to text pp first, i end up not texting anyone.. its all bc im lazy... then i complain bout having no one to talks to.
im just a moody spoiled brat.
good news is that this only happens for at most 24 hours.. per month...? lets just say i go through some low battery periods once in a while.
...
i hate dreaming. it makes me feel like my mind is never at rest. sometimes im scared of my own mind...
i took a nap earlier and dreamed of going to IKEA. ive been remodeling my room recently so i guess that was why IKEA came up. while at IKEA, i visited my forever favorite pudding on rice store, which is indeed located near PSU in real life. i ve also been craving for pudding recently. turned out that the whole store was then switched into an ice cream store. i saw colorful ice cream everywhere and they looked so so pretty. but i was so disappointed that all my pudding were gone. so i decided to tried all the ice cream looking for my favorite cinamon pudding flavor. but i couldnt find it... bc they were all ice cream :| ...
i walked out of IKEA into an open empty parking lot. the sun was going down. the sky cast a gloomy color on the parking lot. i have a small fear of open empty space and dark places. so i slowly walked around sobbing in lost and in disappointment of no pudding.
then i woke up...
such a failed dream...
but it was scary T_T
all the lameness aside, my parents and i took my brother to OSU this morning. i couldnt help but showed a little jealousy that he can move on but i can't. but at least my mom was being understanding.
these few days im spending most of my time remodeling the room. we bought new furniture and i need to get rid of the stuffs i never touch for years, which take like 70% of my properties :|
anyway there r still lots to be done. im a lil frustrated with my skin condition right now that i have to avoid going out as much as possible. being home isnt boring but i feel kinda lonely having no one to talk to. my bf is back in school and she's not much of a texting person. my other friends have their own fun to enjoy and forget my existence. haha just kidding. but seriously :| *sadly wait for some attention :<*
im a very bipolar person i admit. when no one talks to me, i complain. when they talk to me, im like "so you rmb me now? go away" *ignore text* *derp face*. when i know its no prob to text pp first, i end up not texting anyone.. its all bc im lazy... then i complain bout having no one to talks to.
im just a moody spoiled brat.
good news is that this only happens for at most 24 hours.. per month...? lets just say i go through some low battery periods once in a while.
i like it when i text someone goodnight before i sleep and even though it may be 2 3am in the morning and that my text wakes them up from their deprived sleep time, they always say goodnight back :) even when they can't even read what they're typing :p
that just makes me happy :)
-------------
“Sometimes we don’t know how precious people are when they’re really close to us, but the closer we are we need to take care of each other more..." - GrandpaGyu
that just makes me happy :)
-------------
“Sometimes we don’t know how precious people are when they’re really close to us, but the closer we are we need to take care of each other more..." - GrandpaGyu
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Busy bee
Its gonna be a long day tmr yet i cant sleep, and my tummy is growling.
Migraine is back these few days. Its getting hot again, right when i thought fall was coming.
Lately i ve felt the urge to smoke again. Its been too long. Cool summer nights are just so relaxing. It must be nice to lie down looking at stars, feel the chills on my skin as the scent slowly penetrates my brain. Maybe it ll put me to sleep faster than all this tossing n turning.
Migraine is back these few days. Its getting hot again, right when i thought fall was coming.
Lately i ve felt the urge to smoke again. Its been too long. Cool summer nights are just so relaxing. It must be nice to lie down looking at stars, feel the chills on my skin as the scent slowly penetrates my brain. Maybe it ll put me to sleep faster than all this tossing n turning.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Amber.
"That s why people leave each other. They get close and they get selfish."-
I ve always hear things like "dont leave when it gets hard. Leave when youre doing all your best and nothing changes." but in real life people leave because its the easy way out, because it s easier to give up than to fight for what they want.
Everytime that happens to me, it reminds me of my bf and how lucky i am to have her around still. I read a survey a few days ago. They asked why are you bf with your bf? And i remember writing its because she didnt give up on me.
I didnt understand her at the time. I didnt know what about me that could be able to make her hold on for so long. I still havent figured that out now. Looking back on those years, our teenager life wasnt the typical teen life you often see here in the states. But we fought a lot. My bf and i barely have anything in common but the fact that we both had big ego and were oversensitive. So we fought to become bf.
There s a quote sth like everyone is gonna end up hurting you, just find the person who s worth suffering for. Then she s that person of mine, and im hers.
She held on me when i gave up. She stayed wheno i chased her away. She looked for me when i ran off. And when we both gave up, somehow we found our way back to each other. We always joke around that maybe the reason its hard for both of us to find the second soulmate, if that exists, is that we ve both already found one. Cheesy greasy cheesy greasy.
Everyone goes through failed relationship everyday. Some people must have underestimate the power of time. It may be bc of the right and wrong doing. Whose fault this time and who jhurts the other next time.
But it doesnt always have to be like that. Bc i ve seen it with my own eyes, that serenity and time added up can fill the cracks.
And i think no one can understand that better than old married couple.
I lost my train of thoughts.. anyway that s me and my bf 's love theory. In real life she s an ass bc she never replies my text on time. And that she always has to eat her yummy food in front of the webcam while im starving on the other side of the computer screen.
There s a quote sth like everyone is gonna end up hurting you, just find the person who s worth suffering for. Then she s that person of mine, and im hers.
She held on me when i gave up. She stayed wheno i chased her away. She looked for me when i ran off. And when we both gave up, somehow we found our way back to each other. We always joke around that maybe the reason its hard for both of us to find the second soulmate, if that exists, is that we ve both already found one. Cheesy greasy cheesy greasy.
Everyone goes through failed relationship everyday. Some people must have underestimate the power of time. It may be bc of the right and wrong doing. Whose fault this time and who jhurts the other next time.
But it doesnt always have to be like that. Bc i ve seen it with my own eyes, that serenity and time added up can fill the cracks.
And i think no one can understand that better than old married couple.
I lost my train of thoughts.. anyway that s me and my bf 's love theory. In real life she s an ass bc she never replies my text on time. And that she always has to eat her yummy food in front of the webcam while im starving on the other side of the computer screen.
Looking for Alaska.
I just finished the book, which appears like a labyrinth itself.
the ending was too deep and powerful to handle.. and here i am lying in my dark room awestrucked by its whole idea.
The labyrinth of suffering.
4am.
the ending was too deep and powerful to handle.. and here i am lying in my dark room awestrucked by its whole idea.
The labyrinth of suffering.
4am.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
i ordered itttttttttttt :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD but i have to wait :( until it gets here imma go cry some more in my corner...
soooooo amazingggggggggggggggggggggggg~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
It is true that one should not speak while theyre angry... *looking at my angry blog and pissed off all over again. Its freaking 9am and my parents, who lost all their common sense and manners to their children, decided to wake everyone up with their lovely voices, because it is such a hard challenge to close the fucking bedroom door or to talk in the private room. It must always be the open living room to make sure everyone can hear them. And shamelessly order their children around later. How do you fuck with someone's sleep then ask them to do stuffs for you after? does anyone in this household know their manners anymore? What the fuck. If you just think for yourself and dont care about others around you then go to a jungle and live with monkeys or some shit. This is why noone in this family respects each other. Grandma cant you just take me w you? Or like do sth. Please do something to my parents to knock them back to their rightselves. Like can you just appear once in a while at night with a ghostly pale angry face and scare the crap out of them while pointing at me so they would never ever dare to poke me again.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Anxiety.
Woke up to the sound of my neighbor's children playing swings in the backyard.
So cheerful and carefree, their laugh.
I ve been dreaming again. Long, blurry, tangled dreams... It nevers go away completely does it?
So cheerful and carefree, their laugh.
I ve been dreaming again. Long, blurry, tangled dreams... It nevers go away completely does it?
Monday, September 3, 2012
The forgotten.
I ve been running away for too long that I lost my way back.
Now i think i understand a bit why some people cut. People who selfharm arent like people anymore. I dont mean theyre sick or just different... They re like another "kind"... That kind of "difference". And to think that the physical pain may ease the emotional pain a little bit for a few second, when the razer shoves in... It s not that they dont let others help them, they just cant hear very well, or they hear nothing at all. Because theyre not our kind, they cant hear our words. All they hear is the voices inside their heads. And thoughts can scar deeper than anything. Maybe all they can hear is just their own voices screaming every second for help. And since we re not their kind, we dont understand their silent screams either.
I never want to fall back to depression again.
I didnt know how i got there. I didnt know what was happening. I didnt know how i got out. It was like going through an invisible tsunami. I didnt see it but i could feel it every second. The only thing i was awared of was that something changed in me, the kind of change that is unable to described but can only be experienced.
I ve read somewhere that a human heart goes through seasons, like trees shredding leaves in winter or after the storm. Eventually in time, the trees are harshly bended, more and more branches leave. But while nature grows back with new skins and leaves, that of the heart never grows back.
Now i think i understand a bit why some people cut. People who selfharm arent like people anymore. I dont mean theyre sick or just different... They re like another "kind"... That kind of "difference". And to think that the physical pain may ease the emotional pain a little bit for a few second, when the razer shoves in... It s not that they dont let others help them, they just cant hear very well, or they hear nothing at all. Because theyre not our kind, they cant hear our words. All they hear is the voices inside their heads. And thoughts can scar deeper than anything. Maybe all they can hear is just their own voices screaming every second for help. And since we re not their kind, we dont understand their silent screams either.
I never want to fall back to depression again.
I didnt know how i got there. I didnt know what was happening. I didnt know how i got out. It was like going through an invisible tsunami. I didnt see it but i could feel it every second. The only thing i was awared of was that something changed in me, the kind of change that is unable to described but can only be experienced.
I ve read somewhere that a human heart goes through seasons, like trees shredding leaves in winter or after the storm. Eventually in time, the trees are harshly bended, more and more branches leave. But while nature grows back with new skins and leaves, that of the heart never grows back.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Such a tiring day.
I finally had a rare peaceful morning. Knitting and enjoying my Infinite on the big screen TV, till the parents came home from osu and everything turned into a battlefield and like always, ended up with tears and screams and curses.
How many times do we have to go through all this again and again till they realize they re destroying us all?...
My head hurts so much.
Out of all the things i ve been through my whole life, no such damage can be compared to what my parents have brought us.
I finally had a rare peaceful morning. Knitting and enjoying my Infinite on the big screen TV, till the parents came home from osu and everything turned into a battlefield and like always, ended up with tears and screams and curses.
How many times do we have to go through all this again and again till they realize they re destroying us all?...
My head hurts so much.
Out of all the things i ve been through my whole life, no such damage can be compared to what my parents have brought us.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
It's been exactly 1 year... Deja vu...
Wow i ve never realized this till a few sec ago... Now that i think about it, at 2 total different places and for total different reasons, this day last year we were both bawling our eyes out, crying at the top of our lungs. And i didnt even know your existance!! But then i met... And now... !! ... *moment of recognition*..............
OMG I cant tidbhichdisjtbsodbrksjciebdif ><
This fate is so interesting... And it makes everything so much better omg im so bipolar hahahaha *emo mode failed
OMG I cant tidbhichdisjtbsodbrksjciebdif ><
This fate is so interesting... And it makes everything so much better omg im so bipolar hahahaha *emo mode failed
Thursday, August 30, 2012
I plant a seed and it becomes a flower :)
Out of sight, out of mind. As expected.
Even tho i saw this coming, im still a bit sad.
Like always.
That was fast. Thought it would of last a bit longer. Summer hasnt even ended yet.
I said i'd learn from my mistake, but again and again im tripping over the same thing.
We shouldnt have gotten closer in the first place.
You shouldnt have paid that much attention to me in the first place.
I should have kept my distance in the first place.
I knew it was wrong in the first place, but it was hard to say no, since it was sth i wanted too.
But since i made silly mistake now im going to put things back to where it should be.
I guess this is a relief too. I ve wasted lots of time but i ve gained sth valuable.
Let it ends here then.
Even tho i saw this coming, im still a bit sad.
Like always.
That was fast. Thought it would of last a bit longer. Summer hasnt even ended yet.
I said i'd learn from my mistake, but again and again im tripping over the same thing.
We shouldnt have gotten closer in the first place.
You shouldnt have paid that much attention to me in the first place.
I should have kept my distance in the first place.
I knew it was wrong in the first place, but it was hard to say no, since it was sth i wanted too.
But since i made silly mistake now im going to put things back to where it should be.
I guess this is a relief too. I ve wasted lots of time but i ve gained sth valuable.
Let it ends here then.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
A voice from the past.
Our paths they did cross, though I can not say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.
And who ll hear the echoes of stories never told...
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye.
And who ll hear the echoes of stories never told...
Best feeling.
When you go home after a long day out, take off your 5 inch heels, take out the dry contact lens, get all your hair and bangs up in a tight bun, remove the foundation sticking on your face, remove the thick eyes make up, give your oily sweaty face a niceeee rub with your favorite cleanser, and feel the "clean and clear" effect of your smooth bare skin, toss your tight bra and tight jeans in the laundry basket, put on your loose comfy pj, grab phone and ipod, turn on the cute cotton ball stringlights and turn off the room light, jump in bed, untie the bun, all snuggled up under the blanket, feel the heavy weight of your back and head against the soft pillows, play some soft piano songs and start cuddling with you wifi ;p
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Money money money.
The other day i went w my friend's fam to a wedding store to help the bride-to-be pick a dress for her dance at the party. Usually when i see pp spending hella money on sth they want, i told myself how much of a cheap ass i am... :| that one dress costs 250 sth and 180 sth after discount. I wondered if i would just get my dress from f21 or macy if i ever get married... When i was little i LOVEDDD to grow up to do wedding design, whether its clothing or decoration or flowers ... The whole wedding thing is just so fascinating!!
I asked the groom how much they people usually spend to plan on the wedding and he said around 25000 +_+ then i asked the bride if she s excited but she said she s exhausted rather than excited :<
*daydreaming*
I want my wedding at a cherry blossom field, or somewhere that has flowers and water. My dad n i will ride a white horse jk :)))) can i not have bridemaids... we ll play canon in D, salut d'amour and memories of lightwaves :D
My mom ll cry so bad :< then i ll be like omma omma my house is like 5 mins away from your house dont cry you can come over to tonight :))) then she s gon yell at me for speaking nonsense :))). My dad ll cry too :< and im gonna laugh at him :))) jk
I think im gonna bawl my eyes out omg :<
..
This blog is just lame n forever alone.... What am i doing ...
I asked the groom how much they people usually spend to plan on the wedding and he said around 25000 +_+ then i asked the bride if she s excited but she said she s exhausted rather than excited :<
*daydreaming*
I want my wedding at a cherry blossom field, or somewhere that has flowers and water. My dad n i will ride a white horse jk :)))) can i not have bridemaids... we ll play canon in D, salut d'amour and memories of lightwaves :D
My mom ll cry so bad :< then i ll be like omma omma my house is like 5 mins away from your house dont cry you can come over to tonight :))) then she s gon yell at me for speaking nonsense :))). My dad ll cry too :< and im gonna laugh at him :))) jk
I think im gonna bawl my eyes out omg :<
..
This blog is just lame n forever alone.... What am i doing ...
Friday, August 17, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The line.
Im lying on the hard carpet floor at the beach house trying to sleep. Its kinda hot in here so i left the door leading to the balcony slightly open and lied next to it. From here i can hear the strong wind blowing outside, and the silence of the night.
The atmosphere is so good here.
Just a few minutes ago i was dozing off thinking of how we were going to leave early tomorrow bc my mom has to work. I originally wanted to stay longer, i missed the sound of the waves hitting the shore. Then, for a short moment i thought to myself oh its okay to leave early since she s probably waiting too. We can go home and see her soon.
...
Quickly after that, my heart silently dropped a bit as i realized how silly it was.
I have always love going to the beach, even if i have nothing to do here.
Back then, she never once came w us to the beach. We took it as her normal self and went by ourselves. And i always came home knowing she was waiting with sth yummy at home. I was used to the fact the she didnt go anywhere much w us that i didnt really question why. Now i wonder what it was like for her to be home by herself for 4 5 days.
After she s gone, i dont get that feeling anymore. Im sure my parents love me a lot. Theyre not perfect, or they could have done better.. but i appreciate as much as what they could do for me and my brother.
... But i couldnt feel it again.
that feeling like im home, or im coming home...
that feeling when she was still around so i could fall asleep soundly, knowing that i would hear her voice when i woke up
saying that doesnt mean i dont sleep well haha.. I sleep like a pig w a full tummy in fact.
its just not the same...
I ve read somewhere that people dont grow up, we just grow old; we re just kids with lots of lessons learned.
I do think i ve matured a lot compared to before, just banging myself around a lot in order to learn... But at times i feel like im just merely a lost child trapped in a 20 year old body and mind.
I, too, get scared sometimes.. I get scared all the time...
I, too, want to feel protected
and i sometimes crave for that feeling
...so much that i long for her even though years has passed by...
Maybe thats why its so comfortable lying down and look at the sky, as if she casts a huge soft blue blanket over me.
...
Its 3am already.
I guess sometimes when im at the blurry line between dreamland amd reality, i feel as if anything is possible, anything can happen, im as free as a child and time doesnt exist. In that short moment, my long forgotten desires, the things that are impossible...
maybe they can happen...
The atmosphere is so good here.
Just a few minutes ago i was dozing off thinking of how we were going to leave early tomorrow bc my mom has to work. I originally wanted to stay longer, i missed the sound of the waves hitting the shore. Then, for a short moment i thought to myself oh its okay to leave early since she s probably waiting too. We can go home and see her soon.
...
Quickly after that, my heart silently dropped a bit as i realized how silly it was.
I have always love going to the beach, even if i have nothing to do here.
Back then, she never once came w us to the beach. We took it as her normal self and went by ourselves. And i always came home knowing she was waiting with sth yummy at home. I was used to the fact the she didnt go anywhere much w us that i didnt really question why. Now i wonder what it was like for her to be home by herself for 4 5 days.
After she s gone, i dont get that feeling anymore. Im sure my parents love me a lot. Theyre not perfect, or they could have done better.. but i appreciate as much as what they could do for me and my brother.
... But i couldnt feel it again.
that feeling like im home, or im coming home...
that feeling when she was still around so i could fall asleep soundly, knowing that i would hear her voice when i woke up
saying that doesnt mean i dont sleep well haha.. I sleep like a pig w a full tummy in fact.
its just not the same...
I ve read somewhere that people dont grow up, we just grow old; we re just kids with lots of lessons learned.
I do think i ve matured a lot compared to before, just banging myself around a lot in order to learn... But at times i feel like im just merely a lost child trapped in a 20 year old body and mind.
I, too, get scared sometimes.. I get scared all the time...
I, too, want to feel protected
and i sometimes crave for that feeling
...so much that i long for her even though years has passed by...
Maybe thats why its so comfortable lying down and look at the sky, as if she casts a huge soft blue blanket over me.
...
Its 3am already.
I guess sometimes when im at the blurry line between dreamland amd reality, i feel as if anything is possible, anything can happen, im as free as a child and time doesnt exist. In that short moment, my long forgotten desires, the things that are impossible...
maybe they can happen...
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Life gets so tiring sometimes...
I feel kinda bad everytime i think like that. There r probably people at my age that are going through worse.
...
if only that fact could make me feel any better...
...
and to add more stress in my piles of stress, i think my tolerance to my parents is at its end. to the point that i get paranoid hearing their voices or just knowing that theyre home... there r times i feel like im about to go through an emotional outburst as soon as they raise their voice at me or at each other. my self esteem drops to the ground. my head hurts constantly and my chest always feels so heavy.
I think i need a hug T^T
...and some bubble tea... Its so hot ô tô kê!...
...
if only that fact could make me feel any better...
...
and to add more stress in my piles of stress, i think my tolerance to my parents is at its end. to the point that i get paranoid hearing their voices or just knowing that theyre home... there r times i feel like im about to go through an emotional outburst as soon as they raise their voice at me or at each other. my self esteem drops to the ground. my head hurts constantly and my chest always feels so heavy.
I think i need a hug T^T
...and some bubble tea... Its so hot ô tô kê!...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Hôm trc diện áo mới xách máy đi lang thang qua trường thì thấy ai quen quen
đi thoáng qua nhanh lắm mà cũng spot đc.. Ko biết do số hay do xui.
Gọi lại nc vài câu vội vã, cười vui vẻ
2 con ng quen mà lạ
Cách 1 mùa hè
Cũng vẫn 2 ng
Nhưng nó khác biết bao nhiêu...
Chào cười
Quay lưng đi rồi mới thấm
Hình như mới hôm qua...
wow.. Đi đc 1 chặng dài quá rồi
Đi đc một năm rồi..
Hồi ấy tự bảo.. Một ngày đc 1 mile
Qua đc 1 ngày quay lại sẽ thấy 1 mile ahead
1 mile away.
Bao nhiêu miles rồi nhỉ...?
Thời gian đôi khi sao mà bạc quá :)...
Cũng ngày hôm ấy đi lên cái park cũ
Cũng 1 năm rồi mới vòng lại đây
Cũng như hôm lên rockybutte ấy...
Lần trc đi ko có hoa, b giờ hoa nở đẹp thật
Cũng con đường, ghế gỗ, bậc thang..
Nhưng mà cũng xa lắm rồi
Đi qua cái ống nhòm tự dưng thấy xót
Sao mà quen thuộc quá
Ko phải mới hôm qua thôi sao...:)
Yêu thương chắc ko phải
Chỉ là ko ngờ mình đi đc xa thế này thôi...
Ngày ấy cứ nghĩ ko cao huyết áp thì cũng suy tim mà chết :))
Hoá ra vẫn sống nhăn, bình thường khoẻ mạnh :))
Chắc chỉ có sứt mẻ 1 tẹo
Nhưng lâu lâu nhìn lại tự nhắc
Này cái chỗ mẻ đó đi đâu mất rồi.. Bây giờ nó thế nào.. Nó có bình an ko..
Ngày ấy
Đã trọng thương còn đòi làm hiệp sĩ :))
Để đứa vô tội này té lây
Bầm tím..
Lớn rồi
Cái tật nhìn cảnh nhớ ng hình như ko bỏ đc
Nhớ người
Nhớ quá khứ
Nhớ mình của ngày xưa
Hồi ấy ngày cũng làm đêm cũng ngủ
Nằm mơ cả mấy tháng trời
Giống như sợ mình quên đêm nào cũng phải nhắc cho nhớ..
Sáng cũng thức dậy
Nằm nhìn nắng len lõi qua rèm
Vẽ lên tường vệt vàng vệt trắng
Nhớ cái mùi nắng
Nhớ nhạc david choi
"im just listening to the clock go ticking..."
Nhớ cả cái mùi xịt phòng lavender
Bây giờ nghe thấy mùi ấy là nhăn mặt
...
Ừ thì những thứ nhắc mình nhớ thì cũng nên gói lại cất đi
Đôi khi nằm nghĩ ng với ng chắc cũng như sợi chỉ
Sợi này móc sợi kia chằng sợi nọ
Móc lâu thì rối
Chằng mạnh thì đứt
Sợi nào gỡ đc cũng hằn vết nhăn nheo
Nhiều lần thì thành lưới
Nhân quả chắc cũng bám vào cái lưới ấy mà đi.
Đôi khi cũng tự trách mình
Nhìn ít 1 chút
Quan tâm ít 1 chút
Cho ít 1 chút
Ích kỷ 1 chút
thì có phải đỡ khổ hơn ko
Chắc vậy thật
Nhưng chắc sẽ ko đc bình an như bây giờ
Cho đi hết rồi
Đau thật
Khó khăn thật
Nhưng qua khúc quanh ấy hình như sẽ thấy bình an
Thấy vẫn trọn vẹn như lúc ban đầu.
Rồi cũng nghe lời các bậc tiên nhân học tha thứ
Tha thứ ng đã khó
Tha thứ mình còn khó hơn
Đôi khi tưởng đã làm đc rồi
Nhưng gặp lại
Đâu đó trong lòng vẫn thấy 1 chút nhói, 1 chút xót xa, 1 chút uất ức nặng lòng
Thế mới biết là làm chưa đc
Rồi cũng có ngày
Nhìn ng nhìn cảnh
Thở dài
Nhưng thấy bình an
ko nuối ko gợi lại nữa
Thấy nó đã nằm yên trong quá khứ rồi
Sẹo có xấu
Cũng đã hết ghét nhìn
Nhìn nó như nhìn 1 cái gì đó đã qua
Thấy như mình đã đi đâu xa hơn phía trc.
Từ bé tới giờ
Hình như việc khó nhất từng làm
The hardest lesson to learn
Is to look at a person as a whole
The good and bad sides
The many faces
The unknowing
not just how good or bad I experienced with them.
Its cheesy but
To accept someone's ugly side depspite how well they treat you is love,
And to accept someone's good side despite how badly they hurt you is forgiveness.
Thats sth i wanna believe in...
Thôi zồi ==' nói 1 hồi lại nói linh tinh...
đi thoáng qua nhanh lắm mà cũng spot đc.. Ko biết do số hay do xui.
Gọi lại nc vài câu vội vã, cười vui vẻ
2 con ng quen mà lạ
Cách 1 mùa hè
Cũng vẫn 2 ng
Nhưng nó khác biết bao nhiêu...
Chào cười
Quay lưng đi rồi mới thấm
Hình như mới hôm qua...
wow.. Đi đc 1 chặng dài quá rồi
Đi đc một năm rồi..
Hồi ấy tự bảo.. Một ngày đc 1 mile
Qua đc 1 ngày quay lại sẽ thấy 1 mile ahead
1 mile away.
Bao nhiêu miles rồi nhỉ...?
Thời gian đôi khi sao mà bạc quá :)...
Cũng ngày hôm ấy đi lên cái park cũ
Cũng 1 năm rồi mới vòng lại đây
Cũng như hôm lên rockybutte ấy...
Lần trc đi ko có hoa, b giờ hoa nở đẹp thật
Cũng con đường, ghế gỗ, bậc thang..
Nhưng mà cũng xa lắm rồi
Đi qua cái ống nhòm tự dưng thấy xót
Sao mà quen thuộc quá
Ko phải mới hôm qua thôi sao...:)
Yêu thương chắc ko phải
Chỉ là ko ngờ mình đi đc xa thế này thôi...
Ngày ấy cứ nghĩ ko cao huyết áp thì cũng suy tim mà chết :))
Hoá ra vẫn sống nhăn, bình thường khoẻ mạnh :))
Chắc chỉ có sứt mẻ 1 tẹo
Nhưng lâu lâu nhìn lại tự nhắc
Này cái chỗ mẻ đó đi đâu mất rồi.. Bây giờ nó thế nào.. Nó có bình an ko..
Ngày ấy
Đã trọng thương còn đòi làm hiệp sĩ :))
Để đứa vô tội này té lây
Bầm tím..
Lớn rồi
Cái tật nhìn cảnh nhớ ng hình như ko bỏ đc
Nhớ người
Nhớ quá khứ
Nhớ mình của ngày xưa
Hồi ấy ngày cũng làm đêm cũng ngủ
Nằm mơ cả mấy tháng trời
Giống như sợ mình quên đêm nào cũng phải nhắc cho nhớ..
Sáng cũng thức dậy
Nằm nhìn nắng len lõi qua rèm
Vẽ lên tường vệt vàng vệt trắng
Nhớ cái mùi nắng
Nhớ nhạc david choi
"im just listening to the clock go ticking..."
Nhớ cả cái mùi xịt phòng lavender
Bây giờ nghe thấy mùi ấy là nhăn mặt
...
Ừ thì những thứ nhắc mình nhớ thì cũng nên gói lại cất đi
Đôi khi nằm nghĩ ng với ng chắc cũng như sợi chỉ
Sợi này móc sợi kia chằng sợi nọ
Móc lâu thì rối
Chằng mạnh thì đứt
Sợi nào gỡ đc cũng hằn vết nhăn nheo
Nhiều lần thì thành lưới
Nhân quả chắc cũng bám vào cái lưới ấy mà đi.
Đôi khi cũng tự trách mình
Nhìn ít 1 chút
Quan tâm ít 1 chút
Cho ít 1 chút
Ích kỷ 1 chút
thì có phải đỡ khổ hơn ko
Chắc vậy thật
Nhưng chắc sẽ ko đc bình an như bây giờ
Cho đi hết rồi
Đau thật
Khó khăn thật
Nhưng qua khúc quanh ấy hình như sẽ thấy bình an
Thấy vẫn trọn vẹn như lúc ban đầu.
Rồi cũng nghe lời các bậc tiên nhân học tha thứ
Tha thứ ng đã khó
Tha thứ mình còn khó hơn
Đôi khi tưởng đã làm đc rồi
Nhưng gặp lại
Đâu đó trong lòng vẫn thấy 1 chút nhói, 1 chút xót xa, 1 chút uất ức nặng lòng
Thế mới biết là làm chưa đc
Rồi cũng có ngày
Nhìn ng nhìn cảnh
Thở dài
Nhưng thấy bình an
ko nuối ko gợi lại nữa
Thấy nó đã nằm yên trong quá khứ rồi
Sẹo có xấu
Cũng đã hết ghét nhìn
Nhìn nó như nhìn 1 cái gì đó đã qua
Thấy như mình đã đi đâu xa hơn phía trc.
Từ bé tới giờ
Hình như việc khó nhất từng làm
The hardest lesson to learn
Is to look at a person as a whole
The good and bad sides
The many faces
The unknowing
not just how good or bad I experienced with them.
Its cheesy but
To accept someone's ugly side depspite how well they treat you is love,
And to accept someone's good side despite how badly they hurt you is forgiveness.
Thats sth i wanna believe in...
Thôi zồi ==' nói 1 hồi lại nói linh tinh...
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
nản
lâu rồi mới khóc vì tủi thân...
bgiờ thì ko ai lo ko ai back up cho nữa...
đi đâu làm gì cần gì cũng một mình im lặng mà làm...
bthường cũng quen rồi ko sao..
lâu lâu lại dở hơi nhìn em nhìn cháu nhìn bạn bè ng khác có ng anh chị em trong nhà giỏi đc nhờ, có ba má giỏi đc hưởng phần nào, có bạn bè thân thích đc giúp đỡ...
mình ng thân thì ko nhờ đc, ng nhờ đc thì ko thân...
đã vậy còn phải lo take care ng khác...
tui cũng thân con gái cũng tướng nhỏ xíu cũng biết mệt biết sợ
đâu phải im lặng tự kiếm tiền tự lo tự sống mà thành superman...
ai mệt chẳng muốn có ng dựa, ốm chẳng muốn có ng chăm...
mà ko có cũng ko sao, chỉ cần đừng coi như cái máy, muốn gì cũng phải báo error ko thì ko để ý tới...
ko lẽ giờ đổi cách sống như ng của xã hội có tí gì là bắc loa la lên hay fb ầm ầm cho ng khác biết...
đúng là ng ta nói 1 ng đứng kế bên 1 ng tối nay sẽ tự sát mà chắc cũng ko hay biết..
vui thì cười hí hí một mình
buồn thì ngồi dòm trời một mình
khóc thì chui vào xe một mình
cũng may ko ai thấy ko chắc tưởng con điên chỉ vì ko mua đc laptop mà bưng mặt khóc =='
bgiờ thì ko ai lo ko ai back up cho nữa...
đi đâu làm gì cần gì cũng một mình im lặng mà làm...
bthường cũng quen rồi ko sao..
lâu lâu lại dở hơi nhìn em nhìn cháu nhìn bạn bè ng khác có ng anh chị em trong nhà giỏi đc nhờ, có ba má giỏi đc hưởng phần nào, có bạn bè thân thích đc giúp đỡ...
mình ng thân thì ko nhờ đc, ng nhờ đc thì ko thân...
đã vậy còn phải lo take care ng khác...
tui cũng thân con gái cũng tướng nhỏ xíu cũng biết mệt biết sợ
đâu phải im lặng tự kiếm tiền tự lo tự sống mà thành superman...
ai mệt chẳng muốn có ng dựa, ốm chẳng muốn có ng chăm...
mà ko có cũng ko sao, chỉ cần đừng coi như cái máy, muốn gì cũng phải báo error ko thì ko để ý tới...
ko lẽ giờ đổi cách sống như ng của xã hội có tí gì là bắc loa la lên hay fb ầm ầm cho ng khác biết...
đúng là ng ta nói 1 ng đứng kế bên 1 ng tối nay sẽ tự sát mà chắc cũng ko hay biết..
vui thì cười hí hí một mình
buồn thì ngồi dòm trời một mình
khóc thì chui vào xe một mình
cũng may ko ai thấy ko chắc tưởng con điên chỉ vì ko mua đc laptop mà bưng mặt khóc =='
Có nhiều thứ, tưởng đã quên rồi
hình như lại không phải.
Có nhiều thứ, giá mà không biết tới
chắc sẽ nhẹ lòng hơn nhiều lắm...
nhưng mà cũng tham lam quá...
nếu cho trở lại thêm lần nữa
chắc vẫn muốn biết, muốn thấy, muốn nghe
hết tất cả...
Những thứ mà hồi ấy không ngờ đến
Nếu
Sợ cái từ ấy quá :)
Nhổ cái răng sâu đi, biết đau sao vẫn chạm lưỡi vào...
Muốn làm ng tốt đôi khi sao mà khó quá
Muốn sống yên với lòng sao cũng khó quá
Không phải :)..
hình như cũng qua thật rồi...
Hình như đã qua thật rồi :)
hình như lại không phải.
Có nhiều thứ, giá mà không biết tới
chắc sẽ nhẹ lòng hơn nhiều lắm...
nhưng mà cũng tham lam quá...
nếu cho trở lại thêm lần nữa
chắc vẫn muốn biết, muốn thấy, muốn nghe
hết tất cả...
Những thứ mà hồi ấy không ngờ đến
Nếu
Sợ cái từ ấy quá :)
Nhổ cái răng sâu đi, biết đau sao vẫn chạm lưỡi vào...
Muốn làm ng tốt đôi khi sao mà khó quá
Muốn sống yên với lòng sao cũng khó quá
Không phải :)..
hình như cũng qua thật rồi...
Hình như đã qua thật rồi :)
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Hwaiting~~!
I have exactly 1 month till the wedding! Need to strictly stick to my diet and work out routine like last time :D ! I can do it!! Krystal Hwaiting~!!!!!! *insert background music* (￣▽￣)
........
why do i love food so much...
Food-nim... annyeong T^T byebye T^T
.......
On the other hand, i think im having heat stroke =="
I feel like a steamed seal lying on a rock ... ==•
urg my digestion is bad too. Aigoo summer.
........
why do i love food so much...
Food-nim... annyeong T^T byebye T^T
.......
On the other hand, i think im having heat stroke =="
I feel like a steamed seal lying on a rock ... ==•
urg my digestion is bad too. Aigoo summer.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Another friend of mine is leaving for good tomorrow. We're not close anymore and we dont really talk that much. But why does farewell always make me feel so sad?...
so Farewell But Not Goodbye :)
I met her during my freshman year. damn, it's been 3 years...
I think Im a bit too sensitive about the "time concept"... and "goodbyes" and "farewell" slap that reality to my face, that time never stops ticking and there are moments that are never the same as they once were.
so Farewell But Not Goodbye :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
 |
| The Happiest picture. |
I have a soft spot for old lonely-looking people. I always wonder where they come from, why are they here doing whatever theyre doing, what are they thinking... then i wonder what their life was like, what did they do for a living, what did they want to grow up into when they were little, what did they do when they were at my age, who was in their life... then... if they have children, where are their children that they're here by themselves being alone in the crowd, does anyone else see them...?
In a few minutes, hundreds of questions passed through my mind. Then i felt ashamed quickly after i realized i was feeling sorry for them. I dont know... what am I to feel sorry for people?... was it bc i was sitting their nicely dressed and that im young and healthier? those things will go away one day anyway... then how great am i that i can look at someone and assume that they're miserable... time is such a concept created by people...
I wasnt sure if that was the saddest or happiest thing i've ever seen. Their appearances looked so sad, but they looked so carefree and happy. They walked slow, looked and pointed at the sand castles and mumbled to each other in broken words. Im sure they didnt even need words... The old woman held the old man's arm to help him walk when he was too slow. They walked around once or twice in the crowd, not giving a care about the world. They smiled at the things they see and smiled at each other. And when I saw those dry and deep wrinkles tracing down their smiles, I thought to myself: "... such a pretty thing to see"... Honestly, my eyes got wet for awhile.... if that's not so weird ==".... I guess I would look happy too if I ever carry that appearance yet still have a loyal friend around. I wonder what it's like to have a companion like that to walk with for a long journey...
*lost in thoughts*....
anyway, those were just thoughts happening in my head... maybe they were just merely.. two people... right, just two people at a sand festival.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
"Look for the dream that keeps coming back, it is your destiny." -
Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I need to stick to an exercise routine ==
Why am i craving for crepes so much why ==
Banh trang too... Pudding too...
What kind of diet is this..
Sweets-craving diet
I hate chu y u so pretty ㅠㅠㅠ
myungsoo go away ...
Im so greedy and jealous sometimes :| bad krystal bad!
krystal dont be like this :< dont be selfish and petty :<
live humbly and kindly :<
Aigoo i need to leave to the mountain and meditate ==
krystal ninja
Bashaaa
i feel like ordering circle lens again. Those r prettyyy.
I kinda wanna do 30 day no make up challenge too. Daebak~~ i can wash my face and rub my eyes any time :D ~~
however... =))))
hate chu cat, u round face cute lil thing
Go away ㅠㅠ
Its so hot in my room ==
I get weird when its too hot URGG.
Cant stand the heat (＞人＜;)
Am i ever not weird ㅠㅠ
I bought a plain light-yellow shirt from urban the order day for $30. I must have been out of my mind (￣▽￣)
the reason is that it looks exactly like myungsoo shirt in their 120629 Performance...
（ーー；）k imma go return it... This is not right... （ーー；）
myungsoonami =="
jinjja shireo >< myungsooshi bballi ga >< take your cat too ><
Talking of infinite, my CD album hasnt arrived yet argg
Neither is my baybi :< baybi when r you coming home :<
Bogoshippeo (T ^ T)
i need to run again. Summer is revealing my fat (￣▽￣)
SSERIOUSLY ITS LIKE A SAUNA IN HERE (＞人＜;)
...i want a collection of colorful pants like that...
In The Summer~~~ Hobaby xD Namu Dino Yeollie Sungjonggie Grandpa Derpsoo~~
Why am i craving for crepes so much why ==
Banh trang too... Pudding too...
What kind of diet is this..
Sweets-craving diet
I hate chu y u so pretty ㅠㅠㅠ
myungsoo go away ...
Im so greedy and jealous sometimes :| bad krystal bad!
krystal dont be like this :< dont be selfish and petty :<
live humbly and kindly :<
Aigoo i need to leave to the mountain and meditate ==
krystal ninja
Bashaaa
i feel like ordering circle lens again. Those r prettyyy.
I kinda wanna do 30 day no make up challenge too. Daebak~~ i can wash my face and rub my eyes any time :D ~~
however... =))))
hate chu cat, u round face cute lil thing
Go away ㅠㅠ
Its so hot in my room ==
I get weird when its too hot URGG.
Cant stand the heat (＞人＜;)
Am i ever not weird ㅠㅠ
I bought a plain light-yellow shirt from urban the order day for $30. I must have been out of my mind (￣▽￣)
the reason is that it looks exactly like myungsoo shirt in their 120629 Performance...
（ーー；）k imma go return it... This is not right... （ーー；）
myungsoonami =="
jinjja shireo >< myungsooshi bballi ga >< take your cat too ><
Talking of infinite, my CD album hasnt arrived yet argg
Neither is my baybi :< baybi when r you coming home :<
Bogoshippeo (T ^ T)
i need to run again. Summer is revealing my fat (￣▽￣)
SSERIOUSLY ITS LIKE A SAUNA IN HERE (＞人＜;)
...i want a collection of colorful pants like that...
In The Summer~~~ Hobaby xD Namu Dino Yeollie Sungjonggie Grandpa Derpsoo~~
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I dont know whats going on with me recently.
I stay up so late. I cant sleep well at night and wake up every morning with a heavy rock on my chest.
I feel insecured most of the time.
My faith is shaking.
Im fed up with myself.
...
that feeling when you miss a step on a ladder and lose balance, in a milisecond you think youre about to fall but youre actually not sure if youre gonna fall... That feeling, why do i feel like that every second...
I think i really need to shut off and find my balance again.
I stay up so late. I cant sleep well at night and wake up every morning with a heavy rock on my chest.
I feel insecured most of the time.
My faith is shaking.
Im fed up with myself.
...
that feeling when you miss a step on a ladder and lose balance, in a milisecond you think youre about to fall but youre actually not sure if youre gonna fall... That feeling, why do i feel like that every second...
I think i really need to shut off and find my balance again.
Friday, July 6, 2012
"Feelings that come back, are feelings that never went away."-
He once asked me how some ex-couples could completely cut off connection, turn off the phone and avoid each other. He said it was a bit unfair if one of them still wanted to keep the friendship or at least keep in touch, but the other chose to act like strangers or nothing ever happened before. I said I dont know. Maybe sometimes when you know there is no possible way to close your heart with someone atm, you'll force to close your eyes and ears, so that you wont see and you wont hear.
"But you didn't do that though... You didn't run away. You stayed." - he said.
I stayed because everyone is different and everyone has different way to deal with things. In return, it took every-single-cell of me to brace up and endure it. I'm the type of person that would drive the next day even when I was almost killed in a car accident yesterday, and that I would swim the next day even when i was almost drown yesterday. What I fear the most is that if I stayed away from the water for awhile, I would never dare to return to it. If I rested at home for awhile, I would never dare to get in the car again.
But eventually when a better time came, I ran away without anyone noticing. I ran for my life. I closed my eyes and I closed my ears, and patiently I waited to close that gap in the past.
The talk reminded me of sth I had a random thought of before, when I was lying on a bench at my school park late at night. When you fall in love with someone, you give away a piece of your heart and never take it back, even if you walk a separate way later on. Then there may be times when you guys come across each other again, and in a millisecond you will recognize that person as all he ever was to you, all the time passing by, all memories. Most people dont realize or believe that, because it's so quick and blurry. Some does, because the human's brain and heart are designed that way.
Because in a milisecond, you heart recognizes that tiny lost piece that you gave away.
"But you didn't do that though... You didn't run away. You stayed." - he said.
I stayed because everyone is different and everyone has different way to deal with things. In return, it took every-single-cell of me to brace up and endure it. I'm the type of person that would drive the next day even when I was almost killed in a car accident yesterday, and that I would swim the next day even when i was almost drown yesterday. What I fear the most is that if I stayed away from the water for awhile, I would never dare to return to it. If I rested at home for awhile, I would never dare to get in the car again.
But eventually when a better time came, I ran away without anyone noticing. I ran for my life. I closed my eyes and I closed my ears, and patiently I waited to close that gap in the past.
The talk reminded me of sth I had a random thought of before, when I was lying on a bench at my school park late at night. When you fall in love with someone, you give away a piece of your heart and never take it back, even if you walk a separate way later on. Then there may be times when you guys come across each other again, and in a millisecond you will recognize that person as all he ever was to you, all the time passing by, all memories. Most people dont realize or believe that, because it's so quick and blurry. Some does, because the human's brain and heart are designed that way.
Because in a milisecond, you heart recognizes that tiny lost piece that you gave away.
 |
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
rambling~
sometimes i write stuffs that i have no idea why write it the day after. i wonder if it was me or pms that wrote the blog last night... my face is breaking out >_<
went around 23rd w a friend today to get some air :) it was nice.
i saw this person on the street car and she was as gorgeous as always. reminded me of how low self-esteem she made me feel awhile back. and then she reminded me of someone else.
flashback flashback flashback
sigh*
anyway, the sun was out. i love sunlights on a chilly day :)
tried matcha boba at this new place,
went to a pretty park with a water fountain,
there were 2 japanese baby boys swimming and playing in the water. they were adorable n_______n
saw clouds scattered above the glittering river like tiny cotton balls<3
went home to raw salmon on the table xD
exo on my dash~~~ luhan~ chanyeol~ i cant' =_=...
myungsoo on my dash~~~ gotta love myungsoo's side profile it's just perfect. anio there isnt a thing about him that isnt perfect! myungsoo's imperfection is that he's perfect! jk! but seriously! =_= genetics is a troll!
why is it 12 :30 already T_T i still wanna stay up T_T
probably gonna see some firework tmr w the bio/physic crew~~ *throw hearts* xD
infinite ranking king's new ep is tmr i cantttt wait to see their new dorm n______n God blesses subbers!
that's it for now.. gonna go rewatch hunger games now ^^ goodnight world~~~
went around 23rd w a friend today to get some air :) it was nice.
i saw this person on the street car and she was as gorgeous as always. reminded me of how low self-esteem she made me feel awhile back. and then she reminded me of someone else.
flashback flashback flashback
sigh*
anyway, the sun was out. i love sunlights on a chilly day :)
tried matcha boba at this new place,
went to a pretty park with a water fountain,
there were 2 japanese baby boys swimming and playing in the water. they were adorable n_______n
saw clouds scattered above the glittering river like tiny cotton balls<3
went home to raw salmon on the table xD
exo on my dash~~~ luhan~ chanyeol~ i cant' =_=...
myungsoo on my dash~~~ gotta love myungsoo's side profile it's just perfect. anio there isnt a thing about him that isnt perfect! myungsoo's imperfection is that he's perfect! jk! but seriously! =_= genetics is a troll!
why is it 12 :30 already T_T i still wanna stay up T_T
probably gonna see some firework tmr w the bio/physic crew~~ *throw hearts* xD
infinite ranking king's new ep is tmr i cantttt wait to see their new dorm n______n God blesses subbers!
that's it for now.. gonna go rewatch hunger games now ^^ goodnight world~~~
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
out of sight, out of mind.
i dont feel very well tonight...
i always try to believe that everything happens for a reason and to change me in a better way. I didnt see this coming at first, but i took the chance to see where it would lead me to. i went with the flow. but recently i've been wondering if these changes are good or bad or both...
im scared of the uncertainty.
and what scares me the most
im used to be on my own most of the time and i rarely feel lonely. but these few days i do.
i know it's something that can't be avoided but i still dont like seeing pp whom im close with come and go
im easily upset.
sometimes, i admit, im a bit scared that they ll leave when they find sth more actracting.
i never try to be close with anyone.
it's not a positive thing to do i guess.. but at least im safe. and that's not a positive excuse either
it's just that
i've seen how bad it could get, and i tried so hard to make it through, i never wanna revoke that shadow inside my heart again.
i missed that feeling when someone patted my head saying 'i ll take care of that for you' 'dont be scared, im here' ...'youre safe' 'i ll keep you safe'.
i just feel like crawling back to my shell to find my balance again.
i always try to believe that everything happens for a reason and to change me in a better way. I didnt see this coming at first, but i took the chance to see where it would lead me to. i went with the flow. but recently i've been wondering if these changes are good or bad or both...
im scared of the uncertainty.
and what scares me the most
im used to be on my own most of the time and i rarely feel lonely. but these few days i do.
i know it's something that can't be avoided but i still dont like seeing pp whom im close with come and go
im easily upset.
sometimes, i admit, im a bit scared that they ll leave when they find sth more actracting.
i never try to be close with anyone.
it's not a positive thing to do i guess.. but at least im safe. and that's not a positive excuse either
it's just that
i've seen how bad it could get, and i tried so hard to make it through, i never wanna revoke that shadow inside my heart again.
i missed that feeling when someone patted my head saying 'i ll take care of that for you' 'dont be scared, im here' ...'youre safe' 'i ll keep you safe'.
i just feel like crawling back to my shell to find my balance again.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Day #2: DBSK - Evergreen
...
Few years ago, my parents came back to the States bringing a gift from my old time friend. She wrote me a letter rambling about all the random things in her mind: bad and good times, But sometimes in the randomness, we spilled out our deepest thoughts and feelings. Idk if people usually do that. It's like parts of us were scared of the real world waiting ahead. We found our steps trembling on the road we aimlessly traveled. So we expressed it through random jokes to make it lessscaryreal, and at the same time, to accept it.
She wrote sth about the lyric Evergreen. My favorite line is 다시는 나의 곁에서 눈물 흘리지 않도록"So you will never cry again by my side." This song wasnt much special when I first heard it. But the more i listened the more it grew on me. It reminded me of how much time passed by and how fast things changed.
But if we could preserve something till the very end...
I cried for a good hour reading her letter. I felt like I spent years putting a huge puzzle together and dropped it all at one. I neither knew where I was nor where to start again. It was like all the good and dearest memories slipped through my fingers. I felt lost, stuck between two places, one I for sure wasn't a part of, the other one I no longer belonged to. During that time, all I had was memories.
...
Few years ago, my parents came back to the States bringing a gift from my old time friend. She wrote me a letter rambling about all the random things in her mind: bad and good times, But sometimes in the randomness, we spilled out our deepest thoughts and feelings. Idk if people usually do that. It's like parts of us were scared of the real world waiting ahead. We found our steps trembling on the road we aimlessly traveled. So we expressed it through random jokes to make it less
She wrote sth about the lyric Evergreen. My favorite line is 다시는 나의 곁에서 눈물 흘리지 않도록"So you will never cry again by my side." This song wasnt much special when I first heard it. But the more i listened the more it grew on me. It reminded me of how much time passed by and how fast things changed.
But if we could preserve something till the very end...
I cried for a good hour reading her letter. I felt like I spent years putting a huge puzzle together and dropped it all at one. I neither knew where I was nor where to start again. It was like all the good and dearest memories slipped through my fingers. I felt lost, stuck between two places, one I for sure wasn't a part of, the other one I no longer belonged to. During that time, all I had was memories.
Evergreen,
persistence,
the long lasting,
timeless.
persistence,
the long lasting,
timeless.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
challengeeee~~ Day 1
k im doing this thing out of boredom and since it's out of boredom i doubt i can keep up w it lol but anywayyy
Challenge Time~~~ Post 1 song each day that has a personal meaning behind it!
Day #1: Malgopy - 사랑하기 좋은 날 / Saranghagi Joheun Nal / Good Day to Love
This is gonna be so random Lol it's just my recent favorite song. The reason is that last month I came across this fancam of Myungsoo greeting his fans when Infinite arrived at SBS Hope Concert.
"Derpsoo 야~~ 누나 너를 너무 좋아해." ~(￣▽￣~;)
I thought the chorus was really cute n_____n. So I tried hard to find the name of the song since no one ever mentioned it in the cmmt or the video ㅠ_ㅠ and there was literally like 2 sentences of the songs ㅠ_ㅠ. I had to replay it like ahundredfew times and worked my broken hangul on google and somehow this full version showed up. Anyway, it's a cute happy song that can always put me in a good mood even during my crappiest moment C: I've been playing this in the morning when i just wake up and during shower to keep me awake ㅋㅋㅋㅋ~
It's my current ringtone too btw.
Challenge Time~~~ Post 1 song each day that has a personal meaning behind it!
Day #1: Malgopy - 사랑하기 좋은 날 / Saranghagi Joheun Nal / Good Day to Love
This is gonna be so random Lol it's just my recent favorite song. The reason is that last month I came across this fancam of Myungsoo greeting his fans when Infinite arrived at SBS Hope Concert.
"Derpsoo 야~~ 누나 너를 너무 좋아해." ~(￣▽￣~;)
I thought the chorus was really cute n_____n. So I tried hard to find the name of the song since no one ever mentioned it in the cmmt or the video ㅠ_ㅠ and there was literally like 2 sentences of the songs ㅠ_ㅠ. I had to replay it like a
It's my current ringtone too btw.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
I went back to that place today. The waterfall was running again. New leaves bloomed and covered all in soft tones of green. I watched them sway lightly in the wind as I lied down on the block. The clear blue sky casted a warm shiny glow on everything underneath it. I closed my eyes for a second.
They all look the same now, just like before. Everything's still here. It's just the people that are gone. One's gone as if this place was just a resting shelter, nothing less, nothing more. One has walked a circle and is now back to the same spot just like in the beginning,
365 days away.
"Dont cry because it's over, smile before it happened" -
junior year went by in a blink of the eye :| why so fast...
oh hi summer,
this whole thing scares me, early twenties, 3rd year in college, future, choices, the unknowing...
a friend of mine left to VN for good this morning @7am. we were supposed to hang out yesterday but plan was cancelled. we pretty much texted throughout the night reminding each other of random memories. i had micro bio at 8 and i decided to pull an allnight or else i could never wake up and make it to the airport at 7. but our timing didnt match so i ended up leaving to school. I think we first met during my freshman year. He was always a lil bit more special I wasnt sure why. I guessed it was the vibe we got, well, at least for me. We didnt really talk for a while though. life. I promised him a long time ago that i would get a license and drive him around, and we made jokes out of that promise everytime, since it took me forever to actually schedule for a driving test. Now i have it and he's not around anymore. I last see him when he was at work making boba, he didnt even charge my taro :) never knew it was the last time we saw each other. He called while changing plane, right after i was done with the test.
Out of all emotion, i think nostalgia is the one i feel the most. I live on memories.
...It's a weakness, isnt it?
oh hi summer,
this whole thing scares me, early twenties, 3rd year in college, future, choices, the unknowing...
a friend of mine left to VN for good this morning @7am. we were supposed to hang out yesterday but plan was cancelled. we pretty much texted throughout the night reminding each other of random memories. i had micro bio at 8 and i decided to pull an allnight or else i could never wake up and make it to the airport at 7. but our timing didnt match so i ended up leaving to school. I think we first met during my freshman year. He was always a lil bit more special I wasnt sure why. I guessed it was the vibe we got, well, at least for me. We didnt really talk for a while though. life. I promised him a long time ago that i would get a license and drive him around, and we made jokes out of that promise everytime, since it took me forever to actually schedule for a driving test. Now i have it and he's not around anymore. I last see him when he was at work making boba, he didnt even charge my taro :) never knew it was the last time we saw each other. He called while changing plane, right after i was done with the test.
Im never good with goodbyes.
Out of all emotion, i think nostalgia is the one i feel the most. I live on memories.
...It's a weakness, isnt it?
"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let's us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved."
- Don Draper, "Mad Man", The Wheel (2007).
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
my tummy is hurting so bad...
i've been sticking with such a strict diet for 2 months hoping it would get better and it did. the heartburn came a lot less regularly. but i stopped taking pills 2 weeks ago cause i couldnt handle the side effect anymore, and my diet messed up. it's finals week so i've been in need of lots of sugar and energy for brainstorming. i feet so stupid now for allowing myself to get fraps like 6 times these 2 weeks, while i wasn't supposed to consume that much sweet and caffeine 그리스탈 너 멍청야...
aigoo =_=
serve me right =_= 근대 이제 어떡해하지 ㅠㅠㅠ 너무 아파 죽엤다 ㅠㅠㅠ
my deceased grandma had a tumor in her stomach.. i had a fear that i would end up having the same problem...
i just hate feeling weak ㅂ_ㅂ. i hate seeing myself sick ㅂ_ㅂ
my upper half is numb with pain ㅂ_ㅂ there goes studying for physic final tomorrow.
derpsoo to brighten up the night ㅂ_ㅂ
i've been sticking with such a strict diet for 2 months hoping it would get better and it did. the heartburn came a lot less regularly. but i stopped taking pills 2 weeks ago cause i couldnt handle the side effect anymore, and my diet messed up. it's finals week so i've been in need of lots of sugar and energy for brainstorming. i feet so stupid now for allowing myself to get fraps like 6 times these 2 weeks, while i wasn't supposed to consume that much sweet and caffeine 그리스탈 너 멍청야...
aigoo =_=
serve me right =_= 근대 이제 어떡해하지 ㅠㅠㅠ 너무 아파 죽엤다 ㅠㅠㅠ
i just hate feeling weak ㅂ_ㅂ. i hate seeing myself sick ㅂ_ㅂ
my upper half is numb with pain ㅂ_ㅂ there goes studying for physic final tomorrow.
derpsoo to brighten up the night ㅂ_ㅂ
Monday, June 11, 2012
sometimes i feel like im in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with myself...
anyway... new short term goal: ~(￣▽￣~;) long wavy black hair!!should i get permanent japanese perm hmmm C:
honestly i ve always wanted to do sth more different w my hair, not just commonly dye it brown or red.. I wanna try sth like brown-orange-blonde dip dye or blue/burgundy highlights... 2 tone platinum blonde/brown, raccoon highlights lol, shave the back a lil bit and get patterns, or just chop it all off and go blonde.
i have always found the perfect time to have ideas or to trying things out, like last night i decided to repair some system config and IE, which i nevelr use, while i was supposed to study for finals, and now all snuggled up in my cozy blanket talking about hair while im supposed to get my lazy butt to review for my bio final coming in 5 hours.
anyway... new short term goal: ~(￣▽￣~;) long wavy black hair!!should i get permanent japanese perm hmmm C:
honestly i ve always wanted to do sth more different w my hair, not just commonly dye it brown or red.. I wanna try sth like brown-orange-blonde dip dye or blue/burgundy highlights... 2 tone platinum blonde/brown, raccoon highlights lol, shave the back a lil bit and get patterns, or just chop it all off and go blonde.
i have always found the perfect time to have ideas or to trying things out, like last night i decided to repair some system config and IE, which i nevelr use, while i was supposed to study for finals, and now all snuggled up in my cozy blanket talking about hair while im supposed to get my lazy butt to review for my bio final coming in 5 hours.
Friday, June 8, 2012
I made a promise to myself awhile ago that I need to stand my ground and stop letting people/life/whatever pushing me around, and that I should just surround myself with people and things that make me happy. Life has been a lot better since then.
Im comfortable doing things that I enjoy by myself. Why wasting time being around people that you cant even enjoy your time with just for the social sake?
Im comfortable doing things that I enjoy by myself. Why wasting time being around people that you cant even enjoy your time with just for the social sake?
Thursday, May 31, 2012
R.I.P Map :'(
My friend's dog, Map, passed away in April, and I didn't know that till like an hour ago.. I wanted to say sth but I ended up not saying anything. Idk.. I didnt want to remind him.
I remember Map being allplayfulhyper when I first saw him, always running and waving his tail, standing up and reaching his front legs to my legs (yes, scratched my arms/legs all over everytime). Cookie, however, was being cutely shy. After few minutes of patience, she slowly came closer and let me gently scratch her back. Map, too, loved to be scratched on the head and around the ears. He loved playing fetch, always looked so eager and happy waiting for my friend to throw whatever so he could run after it. But my friend's mom told me that map could be really disobedient at times and that he hated her cause she yelled at him everytime :) ... :( it must have been devastating for her, for all of them...
*these ninjas are chopping onions around me again*
Talking of his mom, once in awhile when something relevant suddenly reminded me of my friend or his mom, I wondered how she was doing. Back then I always found her story touching and respectable how she worked hard with all kind of jobs and took care of the family at the same time, and how she fought against sickness. Hope she has been well.
My parents have grown old too and become much less as healthy as before, while I was busy out there trying to figure out all these youth and dreams thingy, careers, future, relationship, life's purposes and stuffs.
Sigh*
I should go to bed now before I start hating on myself for sleeping so late every night.
G'night map :) good boy.
Why didn't I see that post on my feeds sooner :( ? I stumbled on his fb today and unconsciously scrolled through his timeline till I saw a picture of map. My heart dropped to the ground... :'( the last time I saw him in September, he was still jumping around and waving his fluffy tail as he saw us walking to the front yard...
...
I first know of my friend's dogs Cookie and Cream/Map when he told me about how cookie was going to have puppies. Soon after that, while we were at work, he showed me a photo that apparently looked like a bunch of tiny furry balls snugging together >"< cuteness overloaded!!! It's been a while I dont remember everything in detail, but I think they had 7 in total but 1 couldnt make it.
I was so excited holding them for the first time, I hadn't held a pet for years ㅠ_ㅠ. I got a lil teary as I remembered holding my dog ever since she was just a tiny little burnt bun. We basically grew up together for 11 years. Anyway, one of them was obviously fatter than the rest and another one was so lazy/sleepy that he barely moved ( *￣▽￣)σ . I think I still have a picture of them somewhere. I fed the fat one once and watched him munching his cracker and the tip of my finger ^^ I wonder how they look now, they must have grown a lot :)
I was so excited holding them for the first time, I hadn't held a pet for years ㅠ_ㅠ. I got a lil teary as I remembered holding my dog ever since she was just a tiny little burnt bun. We basically grew up together for 11 years. Anyway, one of them was obviously fatter than the rest and another one was so lazy/sleepy that he barely moved ( *￣▽￣)σ . I think I still have a picture of them somewhere. I fed the fat one once and watched him munching his cracker and the tip of my finger ^^ I wonder how they look now, they must have grown a lot :)
I remember Map being all
*these ninjas are chopping onions around me again*
Talking of his mom, once in awhile when something relevant suddenly reminded me of my friend or his mom, I wondered how she was doing. Back then I always found her story touching and respectable how she worked hard with all kind of jobs and took care of the family at the same time, and how she fought against sickness. Hope she has been well.
My parents have grown old too and become much less as healthy as before, while I was busy out there trying to figure out all these youth and dreams thingy, careers, future, relationship, life's purposes and stuffs.
Sigh*
I should go to bed now before I start hating on myself for sleeping so late every night.
G'night map :) good boy.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
"Even a falling star still shines." — Tablo.
~ oh hey it's been a year C:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late night slow jam~ Kyuhyun singing I was once by your side - Toy SHINee during Super Show 3 in Seoul C: His voice is just precious, one of my most favorite kpop vocals.
The guitar cover was beautifully done. It's one slow melody to listen to while lying in the school park with my eyes closed and feel the warm sunlight tracing on my face, or those summer nights where i used to lie in the front yard looking up to the sky, feeling the cool breeze and letting my mind wander among the stars.
When I was 8 or 9, I used to sneak into the astronomy aisle at the bookstore and sat there looking at sky maps all afternoon. My dream job once was being an astronomist since I loved stars so much. I used to have tons of dream job and they switched every year (っ=ˆヮˆ=)っ ~ ♥. I found interest in many different things starting off at invisible super woman to kinder garden teacher, nun *lol*, gardener, florist, vet, pastry chef, barista, interior designer, secret agent or a gangster ~(￣▽￣~;)As life got busier and sometimes uglier, just like those early memories, the habit of looking up at all the beautiful things above eventually faded. Not until the last few years of my teenager life, when I actually lived life slower, that I was able to remember what childhood felt like. One July night, I was outside my grandma's house leaning my back on the car's trunk and staring into space, until my eyes spotted a familiar triangle shape on the night sky. For the first time in a long long time, I had that exciting and thrilling feeling again as I was trying to tell them apart. The one I saw was Summer Triangle.
"To-do-list-before-i-die": watch a meteor shower! C:
"If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.” - Bill Watterson, "Calvin & Hobbes"